On Monday, I asked my boss if we could get out early for Thanksgiving weekend. He asked, "When are you thinking?" I replied, "This afternoon sounds nice!"
When it comes to money, about 20% of us have consulted our horoscope at least once to make a financial decision. That's such an Aires thing to do.
One in ten men have underwear that's more than 10 years old. I'll bet I have at least a couple of pairs that are old enough to buy booze!
Not only are 2000 UPS drivers threatening to strike, apparently up at the North Pole, the elves are taking part in a work slowdown.
For the record, it would not be cool if you see someone going back for thirds at Thanksgiving to say, "There, there, piggy..."
President Trump pardoned two turkeys yesterday, Waddle and Gobble, keeping the Thanksgiving tradition alive. They were also the first two turkeys ever convicted in a crypto scheme.
9 out of 10 kids used to play jump rope. Now, only 1 in 3 do. In other words, today, they choose to skip it.
21% of people have a fear of cleaning their refrigerator. I actually clean mine at night, while whatever that thing is inside, is sleeping.
Look: you don't want to be here, I don't want to be here, let's just call today "Wednesday" and wrap this week up!
I went to one of our local holiday attractions last night: "Snowflake Lane." Everyone there was offended by everything!
How it goes every year: "It's too early to talk about Christmas." "Stop it. It's too early!" "Look, would you just wait until after Thanksgiving?" "Oh my God, Christmas is coming up! I'm running out of time!"
From Facebook:
- Here's a friendly reminder to turn back your bathroom scales 10 pounds tomorrow night at 1am for Thanksgiving.
- Getting older is one body part after the other saying, "Oh yeah? You think that's bad? Watch this!"
- For those who need to hear this, "Wicked" is not a movie about Boston. There's no Matt Damon, no Mark Wahlberg.
- A police recruit was asked in an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" His response: "Call for backup!"
- In my entire life, I've never seen a commercial for Chinese food. Like they need to advertise.
- Don't believe anything that I post here. Sometimes, my dog steals my phone.
- I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better.
- I'll say it: "Eggnog is just chicken milk!"
- I'm currently accepting silence as my favorite form of communication.
- I don't ignore people. I just mentally put them into airplane mode.
- I regret to inform you that we must all once again figure out what to make for dinner tonight.
- The years have been good to me. It's the weekends that caused the damage.
- If life gives you lemons, ask for bacon. It's worth a shot.
- I have this fear of tsunamis. It comes in waves.
- I enjoy long, romantic walks through Harbor Freight.
- I recently posted a selfie, and 8 people wished me a speedy recovery.
- I couldn't afford to take the kids to Sea World, so I took 'em to the fish market and said, "Shhh. They're sleeping!"
- Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor. Banks-what's your problem?
- It's been four years since my job interview. I'm beginning to suspect they hired someone else.
- My friend, Jesse, has a pet squirrel that brings him tacos. I wish that I had Jesse's squirrel.
- I'm in favor of a law that requires all telemarketers to wear a shock collar that is activated by pressing the pound key.
- Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
- Aside from being exhausted, sarcastic, and running on a fuse shorter than tea light, I am an absolute delight.
- I can't believe Thanksgiving is this week and I still haven't picked out the sweatpants I'm going to wear yet.
- It's really too bad that children don't come with a volume control knob.
- My problem is that I prepare for 50 different worst case scenarios in my head, and then life comes at me with the 51st one that I didn't study for.
- My to-do list keeps adding items like it's trying to win a prize
- My life is basically 50% being tired and 50% pretending not to be tired.
- It's unbelievable how fast a house can go from "I just spent 4 hours cleaning this" to "looks like a crime scene."
TOP FIVE RUNNERS UP TO ELF ON A SHELF
- Shepherd on a Leopard
- Sledding while you're Betting
- Santa on a Manta
- Reindeer on a Dane Beer
- Lizard on a Wizard
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE EATEN TOO MUCH AT THANKSGIVING
- You start sweating gravy
- The cement floor makes creaking noises
- The following day, someone mistakes you twins
- Food not available in your area for several days
- When you get up from dinner, your chair goes with you
TOP FIVE WAYS TO CELEBRATE A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED AMISH CHRISTMAS
- Putting up the outdoor candles
- Elf on a Shelf replaced by Cow on a Plow
- Going for a ride in a one-horse open buggy
- Instead of a barn, having a manger-raising
- Enjoying that holiday classic, "The Little Butter Churn Boy"
Laugh a little, would ya?
