The frustrating thing about watching the Golden Globes last night was watching people I know losing to actors and actresses I didn't know from shows I had never heard of. Other than that, I loved it.
The U.S. has seized another Venezuelan oil tanker in the Caribbean. We've got to be getting close to having the complete set!
Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania and the University of Michigan have created the world's smallest, fully programmable, autonomous robots, smaller than a grain of salt. Next, they hope to develop one the size of cracked pepper.
In Southern Germany, 50 sheep escaped from their pen and they all stormed into a local grocery store. Must have been one heck of a sale.
Bill Gates quietly sent nearly $8 billion to the private foundation of his ex-wife, Melinda French Gates, in what amounts to one of the largest divorce-related payouts ever disclosed. You know, Bill-a billion here, a billion there, after a while, it starts to add up!
Taco Bell has introduced their new Volcano Quesarito with Lava Sauce. 5 important words: Know the restroom door code.
And this score just in: Zootopia 2, GLP-1.
There are rumors the White House is drawing up invasion plans for Greenland. They say the trickiest part is going to be getting Gerard Butler to go along with them.
A new study says that dogs pick up the meaning of some words by eavesdropping on their owners. I'm pretty sure that's how my dog learned to swear.
There were some pretty skimpy outfits the other night at the Golden Globe awards. Did you see what some of those actresses were semi-wearing?
Why is that when we see celebrities at events like the Golden Globes and they're not smiling, we assume that it's just because they're so cool? When I'm not smiling, I'm having a lousy day.
I'm old enough to remember when the worst part of winter was ice and it was actual ice.
Both Bill and Hillary Clinton are refusing to testify in a congressional investigation into the Epstein situation...which makes me just want to know what they know even more!
They say the average person has 1400 dreams in a year. That may be true, but I remember just two, in a good year.
Yes, Rose Byne won a Golden Globe award Sunday night, but her sig other, actor Bobby Cannavale, couldn't be there because he was attending a reptile show in New Jersey. Classic case of reptile dysfunction.
Kiefer Sutherland was arrested Monday after getting into an altercation with a ride-share driver in Hollywood. The events occurred in real time.
I'm about as nervous as an Uber driver getting a call from Kiefer Sutherland's house.
63% of men say they've never used a shoehorn. Frankly, I'm not that musically inclined and don't want to waste the time taking lessons.
Over 80% of U.S. households have a spoon or fork still sealed in the clear wrapper from a takeout order in their home right now. I mean, isn't the idea behind ordering fast food to eat it fast? Who has time for utensils?
More than a million Verizon users lost service yesterday. People in New York, Los Angeles and Seattle were asking, "Can you hear me now?" and this time, people actually responded, "No."
Progresso has introduced soup-flavored lollipops called "Soup Drops." Or as the guys in the development lab like to call them, "Suckers!"
The average person will say "I'm fine" over 9,000 times in their life. Most frequently by wives who were just asked by their husbands, "Anything wrong?"
It takes 42 muscles in the human body to make a frown. Basically, my morning exercise routine.
10% of women always carry chocolate this in their purse. That seems incredibly, remarkably, unbelievably low.
From Facebook:
- I know some people pick their nose, but I was born with mine.
- On behalf of cows everywhere, be kind to udders.
- We didn't throw away food just because it was passed the expiration date. We'd smell it. If it smelled OK, we ate it.
- For the record, I'm based on a true story.
- Me: I'm surprised how winded I am from that exercise. Trainer: That was just a tour of the gym.
- Mirrors don't lie and, lucky for you, they don't laugh.
- Me: Welcome to my she shed. Gynecologist: Please stop calling it that.
- I was holding a bottle of Paul Newman salad dressing when my niece asked, "Who's Paul Newman?" I said he was basically the Brad Pitt of my mom's generation. She then asked, "Who's Brad Pitt?" If anyone needs me, I'll be at the senior center, eating applesauce.
- Parenting is hard. I'm trying to teach my son that "vagina" isn't a dirty word, but at the same time convince him that he needs a different name for his hamster.
- The first 70 years of childhood are always the hardest.
- Sorry I can't make it. I contracted mood poisoning. It must have been something I hate.
- A genie asked what my three wishes were going to be. First up, I said, "I want to be rich!" The genie said, "Your first wish has been granted. What's your second wish, Rich?"
- I don't always do the wrong thing, but when I do, it's always the wrongest of all the wrongs that have ever wronged.
- A haiku about my life: I am so tired. Where did all my money go? My back is hurting.
- They're not sins. They're Lucifer Loyalty Points!
- Apparently, "spite" is not a good answer to the question, "What motivates you?"
- If you watch Jaws backwards, it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to people who need them.
- I can't believe it's already been a year since I couldn't become a better person.
- Home is where the bra isn't.
- My self-control is choosing the smaller bag of chips instead of the family size. Baby steps.
- Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else.
- How delusional am I? Every day, I hope I win the lottery despite the fact never bought a ticket.
- If I ever go missing, let me save you some time. Don't bother checking the hiking trails.
- I'm not feeling very worky today.
- Pro Tip: When getting a pat down at airport security, don't moan.
- Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
- I've decided that my 2026 is going to start on February 1st. January was free-trial month.
- The way I can meal prep for the week then order takeout anyway is peak self-sabotage.
- If the Titanic really did "hit an iceberg", how no pieces of the iceberg were ever found in the wreckage?
- 2078 is going to be my year. I can feel it!
- Dairy Queen: Ruining your New Year's Resolutions since 1962.
- I hate when people say, "Bite me!" and then act all surprised.
- I couldn't decide if I wanted bangs or not, so I cut bangs for my daughter and she looks awful. Boy, dodged a bullet there!
- People often ask me, "How do you smuggle candy into the movie theater?" Well, let me just say, I've got a few Twix up my sleeves.
- As I look at my laugh lines in the mirror, I can't help but ask, 'What the hell was THAT funny?'
- I am stepping down from my position as an adult. It turns out it is not for me, but I appreciated the opportunity.
- I wish leg hairs died in the winter like grass does.
- Whenever someone asks about my family, I have to decide if I should tell them the Disney or Jerry Springer version.
- When you get older, "It's too cold" becomes a valid excuse not to leave your house.
- I don't have a filter, but I do have a mute button that malfunctions regularly.
- A shark could definitely swim faster than me, but I could outrun a shark. So, if we did a triathlon, it would come down to who's the better cyclist.
- I'd make a swear jar but I don't have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.
- I don't know whose dog needs to hear this, but just because it crinkles doesn't mean it's your snack!
- Not everyone dislikes you. There are people out there who have never met you!
- I just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
- Barn Owls must have been pretty excited when that first barn was built.
- Am I perfect? No. But do I try my best and keep a positive attitude? Also, no.
- I don't always carry all the groceries in one arm, but when I do, the car keys are in the wrong pocket.
- I've reached the stage of life where explaining myself is exhausting. Go ahead and judge-it's easier.
- You're not truly a parent until you secretly hope your kid's team loses so you can go home sooner.
- You don't actually wash your hands-they wash each other. And you sit there watching, like a creep.
- I don't mean to complain, but 20 years ago should be the 1980s.
- When the weather warms up, I'll be unstoppable. Until then, I remain very stoppable.
- FRIEND: I thought you were doing Dry January. ME: I am. This is dry. It's Sauvignon Blanc.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED A BAD BABYSITTER
- When you offered a tip, she said, "Oh, I've already taken care of it."
- Using an awful lot of prison slang
- She actually just asked, "Would you mind if I threw a small kegger?"
- As you're leaving, she's being featured on the show, "COPS"
- Well, for starters, there's that ankle monitor
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU REALLY NEED TO CLEAN YOUR BATHROOM
- Company tells you that they prefer to go outside
- You'd swear you heard a voice from the toilet that said, "Help!"
- The bathroom mat crunches
- You're credited with being the inspiration for youreallyneedtocleanyourbathroom.com
- Well, let's start with that guy sleeping over there in the corner
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR PERSONAL ROBOT PROBABLY NEEDS A DAY OFF
- Calling Jiffy Lube and making an appointment for a Spa Day this weekend
- Keeps playing sad violin music while folding laundry.
- Auto-corrects your emails to include phrases like "Send help."
- Sighs and says, "Man, I miss the factory..."
- Caught him Googling, "How to cut brake lines
TOP FIVE QUESTIONS THAT SCIENCE JUST CAN'T SEEM TO ANSWER
- If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
- Why do we call it "after dark" when it's really after light?
- Why is a boxing ring square?
- Why do we park on driveways but drive on parkways?
- If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?
Laugh a little, would ya?
