Research says that it takes around a week for each of our bodies to adjust to Daylight Saving Time. So bite me.
I don't know about you, but I'm feeling like I'm missing an hour of sleep somewhere...
And, to be honest, it does feel later sooner.
After that wheel fell off of a United Airlines flight the other day on takeoff, the captain of the flight couldn't resist saying, "You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel."
Alexa, pay my taxes!
Had a real gully-washer over the weekend. My gully has never been so clean!
Not to be argumentative, but you're wrong.
Expelled Congressman George Santos says he's going to run for congress again! I wondered, "Could voters really be that stupid?" But I'm afraid I know the answer...
A new study says that Crossfit is out, and low-impact is back in. I knew I could wait that out. Now, it's low-impact's turn.
The movie "Oppenheimer" took home 7 Academy Awards on Sunday night. John Cena attempted to take one home as well, but had nowhere to hide it.
I mean, when you think about it, the Oscars were easy for John Cena. He didn't have to spend any time at all figuring out what to wear.
Deion Sanders' daughter Deiondra is pregnant, expecting her first child with singer Jacquees. Yes, he's going to be a Grand-Deion-daddy.
Experts say that we should take naps every day, but no longer than 30 minutes. My boss disagrees, every time he catches me.
They say that $2.99 Trader Joe's tote bags are reselling online for upwards of $500. How predatory! I'd sell you mine for only $400. Plus tax, delivery and shipping.
The germiest thing in the office: the coffee pot handle. That's why I always just use a straw.
For a women between the ages of 20-25, their phone goes off on average of 62 times a day. Oh-oh, missed a text while you were listening to that.
One British scientist says that your brain doesn't work as well at 40-thousand feet as it does on the ground. Please, no one tell the pilot.
...yes, they go together like Kate Middleton and Photoshop.
You know, it's been Daylight Saving Time since Sunday and I still haven't saved a single moment.
British singer Lily Allen said she had children to "complete" her but having them "totally ruined" her career. No "Mother of the Year" award this year.
Is Chicken-Fried Chicken redundant?
Archeologists say that they've discovered the world's oldest lipstick, found in southeastern Iran and upwards of 4,000 years old. My guess is that it was found between the cushions of a 4,000-year-old couch.
Oh, great! They're going to ban TikTok. Now, what am I gonna do with all these Tide pods?
How did they describe large hail before baseball was invented?
They're doing a study on the three main AI programs out there-Chat GBT, Gemini and Perplexity, to find out which one is the best. Do you really need a study? Why wouldn't you just ask them?
Nooo! The CFO of Costco says that their $1.50 hot dog and soda combo probably won't be around forever. I better go stock up!
Wallethub came up with a list of the 100 most obese cities in the United States and, at the top: McAllen, Texas. Actually, it came in number one and two.
Russia is holding their national election over the next three days, as Vladimir Putin is expected to be re-elected to his fifth term as president.
- Although the election runs through Sunday, the results were announced yesterday.
- A memorial service is planned on Monday for his opponents.
From Facebook:
- I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally. But this bar has good drink specials.
- You know you're getting old when it takes two tries to get out of your chair.
- I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig on me. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
- Over the weekend, I found out that rock bottom has a basement.
- When you try to leave work a little early, but your boss reminds you that you have 7 hours left.
- I'm pretty sure my final words will be, "Well, crap. That didn't work!"
- Behind every strong woman is a dog waiting for her outside the bathroom.
- Stop telling everyone what a jerk I am. I like to watch the surprise on people's faces when they find out.
- Any salad can be a Caesar Salad if you stab it enough times.
- Our beer is colder than your ex's heart.
- Why limit happy to just one hour?
- If they're not going to get rid of the time change, the first Monday after each one should be a holiday.
- I wasn't made to hustle and bustle. I was made to dilly and dally.
- If we're ever in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," we are in a very bad situation.
- My financial status: I just rinsed off a paper plate.
- Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to "Old MacDonald Had a Farm."
- I've never understood why I have to pay court fees. Hey, bro, you're the one that invited me here!
- I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
- You know you're getting old when you look at the clock to see if it's late enough to go to bed.
- I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus, its fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
- The hour we lost last weekend was the one I was planning to use to go to the gym.
- I'm a "go with the flow" kinda person unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don't like or parallel parking.
- To the thief who stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy.
- Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
- I just started people the way they treat me and now they're all pissed.
- There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake-up day of, and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they usually marry each other...
- My husband asked if he had any annoying faults and then got really upset during the Powerpoint presentation.
- In a span of 11 years, 115 died in a weightlifting accident at the gym. In the same 11 years, only one person died while eating a donut. Make good choices.
- I'm not an early bird or a night owl. I'm more of a tired afternoon duck.
- Thanks to the people that walked into my life and made it better. And thanks to the ones who walked out of my life and made it great!
- Why is being alive so expensive? It's not like I'm even having a good time.
- I'm so sick and tired of friends who can't handle their alcohol. Last night, they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
- There is absolutely no real good reason why "Spring Forward" shouldn't happen at 4pm on a Friday.
- The biggest step in any relationship isn't the first kiss. It's the first fart.
- The cashier said, "Strip down facing me." By the time I realized they meant the credit card, it was too late.
- I was watching a show for around 10 minutes and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized it was on the religious channel and she was reading a list of sins.
- My boss wants to sign me up for a 401K. No way I'm running that far.
- I asked what LGBTQ meant, but I couldn't get a straight answer.
- So far, life has been a fairy tale. Grimm.
- Don't get sad about being old. A third of us won't get there.
- No, I'm not interested in your latest workout routine. I'm always relieved I didn't injure myself after I get a leg through my underwear without falling over.
- Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
- Stop hating Mondays. Be a professional and hate the whole week!
- Avoid dangerous cults. Practice safe sects.
- Adult friendships are hard because everyone is really, really tired.
- You know gas prices are high when the guy in the lifted truck isn't revving his engine at Wal-Mart during mating season.
- I'm gonna be real ticked if I finally get my stuff together, and the world ends.
- Due to current food prices, the 5-second rule has been extended to 15-seconds.
- I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 9 years in a row!
- Remember, you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.
- I made a huge "To do" list for today. Now, to figure out who's going to do it.
- The trouble with living alone is that it's always my turn to do the dishes.
- Sometimes I make a mental note, but then forgot where I put it.
- If only snooze bar minutes were as long as microwave minutes.
- Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is ticked off at Rat Snitch Brian, The Good Time Ruiner.
- I don't swear. I speak fluent trucker with a sailor dialect and construction accent.
- Friend: I just saw a wolf! Me: Where? Friend: No, the regular kind.
- It doesn't matter if the glass is half-empty or half-full. There's clearly room for more alcohol.
TOP FIVE LITTLE KNOWN CHEECH AND CHONG MOVIES
- "King Bong"
- "Something About Mary Jane"
- "Ganja With The Wind"
- "Romancing the Stoner"
- "Cannabis Lector"
TOP FIVE THINGS NOT TO SAY ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY
- "Is that a snake you're chasing, or are you just happy to see me?"
- "Shamrock on with your bad self."
- "You look like you're passing a blarney stone!"
- "I only have eyes for potatoes"
- Anything in that bad Irish accent of yours.
Laugh a little, would ya?