Macy's has laid off their Santa Claus and he won't be greeting shoppers at their flagship New York store. I have a feeling this Christmas is going to be a big one for the coal industry.
Astronomers have seen toxic gas coming from one of Jupiter's moon for the first time. The moon tried to blame the dog.
Great idea -- making homemade tortillas. Bad idea -- making them out of candy corn.
In New York at the posh Balthazar restaurant, a couple ordered an $18 bottle of wine, but due to a mix-up, was served a $2,000 Mouton Rothschild. If that happened to me, I would do everything in my power not to pee for a week.
We've hit that time of year when we start complain about how early it's getting dark and then they say, "Oh, yeah? Hold my watch!" and then make us turn the clocks back an hour.
Vice-President Mike Pence early voted in Indiana last week. Oh, to have been a fly in the voting booth.
It's important to give thanks each day for the little things. For example, I'm starting out the day today being extremely grateful I didn't caught up in any of Borat's pranks.
The way 2020 has been going, I'm half-expecting the murder hornets to be acquitted.
Does this Kentucky Fried Chicken fireplace log make my fireplace look fat?
I'm old enough to remember back when they tried to pack the Supremes with more than three members but Diana Ross wouldn't have it.
In Laguna Beach, California, investor Bill Gross was ticked at his neighbors. They didn't like a $1-milllion piece of art in his yard. So, to get back at them, he played the "Gilligan Island's" theme song, non-stop on loudspeakers for 24 hours. Could have been worse. He could have been a fan of the "Banana Splits."
I drove by a cemetery the other day and they had a sign up that their Harvest Festival was canceled. And I had so many questions-what do they normally harvest? And who's doing the harvesting?
Mattel is coming out with a "Rocket Man" Barbie, which has the doll decked out like Elton John. Yes, the bitch is back!
Just a reminder that this is the week we spend a lot of time complaining about having to turn the clocks back an hour this weekend. Just in case you forgot.
A guy with a metal detector searching the ground outside of a church in Maine found a 222-year-old penny, dated 1798! That was so long ago, the official slogan of the U.S. at the time was "So, who do we trust?"
I'm not as excited about Election Night as I am for the day after when all those text messages will stop.
You know, the older I get, the more I realize... .something.
Remember, even if we don't agree on politics, I still want you to vote and take part in the process. I'd just request that you wait until Wednesday.
Oh, one day, I'll snap. But for now, I'm just going to whistle.
They say that Justin Turner found out he tested positive during Tuesday night's World Series finale`. Then again, there are those who suggest the Houston Astros knew before he did.
Yeah, I broke into my bag of Halloween candy early. As long as I don't get more than three trick-or-treaters, I'll be OK. There's always the Tums.
Some funeral homes are using their hearses to drive seniors to the polls so they can vote. To me, that would feel too much like a practice run.
Funny headline on Fark.com: "NXIVM founder sentenced to CXX"
Chaokoh Coconut Water is in a free-fall, after it was pointed out the coconuts they use are collected by forced monkey labor. The as a protest builds against the company that makes it, as word has gotten out that they use trained monkeys to gather the coconuts. That's considered forced monkey labor, according to the president of the Monkey Union.
- You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
- The people who take politicians seriously are the same ones who think the stripper really likes them.
- I feel like Oompa Loompas should have come out and sang after every month of 2020. You know, a song about what we were supposed to have learned.
- Is it OK to pull the bag out of a box of wine and stab a straw into it like it's a giant adult Capri Sun? Asking for a friend.
- Stop trying to be liked by everybody. YOU don't even like everybody.
- Sometimes when you cry, nobody sees your tears. Sometimes when you're hurt, nobody sees your pain. Sometimes when you're sad, nobody sees your sorry. But fart just one time...
- Helpful hint: When your boss asks for suggestions, don't respond, "Well, alcohol would be nice" in your out loud voice.
- Anyone feel that Halloween is unnecessary this year? I've been wearing a mask and eating candy for 7 months now!
- I'll admit, I'm really afraid someone is going to win this election!
- The number one quote of 2020: "Your mute is on!"
- Stop saying candy corn is the worst. Have you forgotten about black licorice?
- Nachos are just tacos that don't have their life together.
- My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."
- Six people are allowed for Thanksgiving Dinner, but 30 for a funeral. I will be holding a funeral for my pet turkey November 26th.
- How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in your pans? You take away their brooms.
- Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a salad. Philosophy is wondering if a Bloody Mary counts as a smoothie.
- Heads up-there are some real weirdo's in this group. Someone asked if I would meat them in the woods for kinky Satanic ritual and they didn't even show up!
- I send flowers "From Steve" to my neighbor's wife every Friday, so I can pop some popcorn and watch them fight from my living room window.
- Does anyone else rip off their mask when they leave a store like they just came out of a disappointing surgery on Grey's Anatomy?
- I've found that if you tuck one of your pant legs in your sock, people expect less of you.
- Being an adult, it's amazing how much time you spend debating on whether or not to toss a cardboard box, because it is a really nice box!
- Monsters don't like to eat ghosts because they taste like sheet.
- Well, this morning has started out like a galloping golden retriever on a freshly waxed hardwood floor.
- It was getting late as I walked by a cemetery. Three girls asked if they could walk with me because they were scared to be walking at night by a cemetery and I said, "Sure. I used to be scared too, back when I was live." Never seen anyone run so fast.
- I just asked myself if I was crazy. We both agreed, we're not.
- Remember, during a pandemic, you can eat all the chocolate you want and your earrings will still fit.
- Until further notice, the days of the week shall be known as thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and nextday.
- Sign posted on a fence: "Due to the rising cost of ammunition, I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot.
- I'd rather go fishing and think about going to church, than going to church and spend the whole time thinking about fishing.
TOP FIVE DRAWBACKS OF BEING A MONSTER
- For the Mummy-Constantly hearing jokes about wrap music
- For the Invisible Man-Most folks see right through him
- For Dracula-People with poor neck hygiene
- For Frankenstein-Tough finding the right replacement parts
- For the Wolfman--Constantly clogging shower drains
TOP FIVE LEAST SCARY HORROR FILMS
- Invasion of the Potty Snatchers
- Night of the Living Bra
- Little Shop of Hors D' Oeuvres
- The Evil Poodle
- Rosemary's Time Share
TOP FIVE HORROR MOVIES THAT JUST WEREN'T THAT SCARY
- The Texas Feather Duster Massacre
- The Blair Witch House Flip Project
- The Vice-Presidential Fly
- Jason versus Freddy: Knit Off!
- The Creature from the Lavender Lagoon
TOP FIVE LEAST POPULAR HALLOWEEN CANDIES
- York Peppermint Brussel Sprouts
- Cadbury Cream Spam
- Big Hunk of Something
- Lousy and Plenty