THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,337th Edition
Friday, November 26th, 2021
Take this bird & stuff it!
Adele says that her new "30" album explains to her 9-year-old son why she got divorced. Back in my day, my parents just use to have what they called "talks" with us. Not as expensive, fewer musicians and studios needed.
I missed that partial lunar eclipse last Friday morning, which was said to be the longest partial eclipse in almost 700 years. But to be completely honest, I'm only partially disappointed.
A new study says that saying a prayer prior to a meal adds a specialness to it. Of course, so does putting black olives on your fingertips and then putting them back.
They're saying that 1.6-million Americans have lost their sense of smell due to catching the coronavirus. So, in other words, let ‘er rip!
President Biden continued the tradition of American presidents pardoning a turkey prior to Thanksgiving on Friday. The ones that were pardoned were named Peanut Butter and Jelly. The ones that weren't pardoned were Plump and Juicy.
A Starbucks employee in New Jersey has tested positive for hepatitis A. Co-workers noticed he wasn't acting right when he started spelling people's names correctly.
75% of parents wrote a letter to Santa when they were a child. I only sent him a Harry and David's basket once. That was the year I didn't get the train set and I was done.
33% of women say that a potato reminds them of their husbands. Especially when they're on couches.
You know, I'm old enough to remember when I could remember things.
Target says they will never be open on Thanksgiving again. Ironically, after Thanksgiving, my pants will never close.
With Thanksgiving tomorrow, I'm reminded of those words: Gobble ‘til you wobble!
I'm old enough to associate the phrase, "smash and grab" with making the potatoes for dinner.
And I would just like to pass along special Thanks to the most important part of the holiday... .elastic waist pants.
The president released 50-million barrels from our strategic oil reserves. So, those headlines that said, "Biden released a bunch of gas" were not quite accurate.
A second cast member of "General Hospital" has been fired because they refused to get the COVID vaccine. Boy, this is turning into a real soap opera.
This year's hot: Elf on a Container Ship.
While the stores aren't as bad as they've been in the past, I still think they should rename "Black Friday" "Black and Blue Friday."
I do shop locally. Right here, on my local laptop.
- Eggs are fantastic for a diet. If you don't like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 180-degrees for 30 minutes.
- Looters have it much easier today. It was much harder to run with a color TV back in 1968.
- I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and all I find are ingredients.
- Don't forget to turn your scales back 15 pounds Wednesday night for Thanksgiving.
- I was just informed that 1980 and 2021 are the same distance apart as 1980 and 1939. I am unwell.
- Never ask me to hold your drink. I will drink it. Just a warning.
- Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
- At some point, Subway convinced us that it was OK to eat an entire loaf of bread in one sitting.
- William Shatner has discontinued his line of women's lingerie. Apparently, Shatner Panties wasn't the best choice for a name.
- I feel that this holiday season, it's more important than ever to remind people of the true meaning of Christmas: ghosts terrorizing rich people in the middle of the night until they pay their employees more.
- A recent study has found that women who carry a little bit more weight live longer than men who mention it.
- Honey is the tastiest of the insect vomits I've tried so far.
- May your stuffing be moist, and your turkey, be plump, May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump, may your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize, May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.
- I almost quit drinking. Then I thought about all those people who work in breweries in order to feed their families. I just couldn't do that to them.
- Don't expect me to stop if I see you broken down by the side of the road. You had all those opportunities to buy the extended warranty.
- If you begin Die Hard at 9:57:10pm on New Year's Eve, Hans Gruber will reach the ground floor of Nakatomi Plaza at exactly midnight to ring in the New Year.
- Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. He sneaks around a tower at night avoiding Alan Rickman. It's a Harry Potter movie.
- According to my chocolate Advent calendar, there are only 3 days left until Christmas.
- Thanksgiving is all about family and fun until... .someone has to do the dishes.
- Just saw a guy on his Smartphone drinking his Smart Water driving his Smart car. He looked like a dumbass.
- The first rule of "Condescending Club" is kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it, even I explained it to you.
- I don't want to end this year on bad terms with anyone. Please apologize to me.
TOP FIVE REASONS THAT T.S.A. AGENT CREEPS YOU OUT
- Well, there's that "I Love Cavity Searches" t-shirt he's got on
- Actual name on his name tag: Grabby Cop-a-feel
- Greets you with, "OK, who's my next victim?"
- He just offered to carry you through the metal detector
- He just smelled the shoes you took off
TOP FIVE WORST THANKSGIVING PRAYERS EVER!
- "Lord, please make us all gratefully hearted, and forgive Uncle Earl, as he just farted. Amen"
- "On this Thanksgiving Day, we count our blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home. Amen"
- "Let this bird remind us of the dangers of sticking your neck out. Amen"
- "Dear Lord, dibs on the drumsticks. Amen."
- "Over the lips and through the gums, look out stomach, here it comes! Amen"
Short & sweet, huh? Laugh a little, would ya?