Editor's note: This is the week of 1,000 WACKS! That means I've been sending out a collection of jokes every week for more than 19 years. To give you an idea how long ago that is, the first several issues were written in hieroglyphics, radio was in black & white and Murdock, Hunter & Alice were still giving people a reason to change the channel every morning on 92.5-KLSY.
I tend to think of even more things to do, to keep me busy and it was almost 20 years ago that I decided to take the jokes I wrote for our radio show and the ones I submitted to Jay Leno for his monologue and just blast them out in an email once week. Who knew that I would outlast Leno?
Thanks for subscribing and passing them along to friends or people you don't like. May there be many more WACKS to come!
And now, on with the jokes:
A study says that alcohol ads have increased 400% in the past 40 years, with no increase in how much people drink. Apparently, we're either not listening or we're drunk.
Kylie Jenner reportedly spends 40 minutes a day on her lips. I remember, back in college on Friday nights, drinking enough that I'd end up on my lips for that long.
The producers of Downton Abbey say their 6th season will be their last. Sad news for fans, shocking news for people who thought it was Downtown Abbey all this time...
Heard this one: "It smells upsexy in here." "Upsexy? What's upsexy?" "Not much. What's up with you?"
Miami Beach celebrated its 100th birthday last week. Everything there has pretty much calmed down, but its blinker is still on.
Suze Orman is off the air at CNBC after 13 years. The network finally listened to her advice about depreciating assets.
Ted Cruz says he's raised over $1-million in donations since announcing that he's running for president. For the record, most of that was from Democrats.
McDonald's is introducing a Big Mac clothing line. On hearing the news, elastic stock soared.
Well, the good news about a rainy Easter -- hidden Easter eggs float.
Some people are already dreading April Fools Day. Thank God, this year, it's on a Thursday.
Miley Cyrus and her personal assistant got matching tattoos over the weekend, her way of committing for life. Either that, or not realizing they don't just rub off.
Willie Nelson is apparently developing his own brand of weed and bongs. Now, all he has to do is remember where his company is...
Justin Bieber's celebrity roast was on TV the other night. A lot of the celebrities left with egg on their face. Yep, Justin's aim is getting much better.
Then there's the guy who says he doesn't like Easter because it reminds him of his eggs.
I just heard about a new invention called 'the wine stopper'. It's something to put in a bottle of wine when you don't finish it. Never had that problem.
Starbucks has started selling Kale Smoothies. It's like they're telling me, "Stop coming in so much!"
The Atlanta Falcons were fined $350,000 for piping in fake crowd noise in their stadium. As a punishment, employees had to listen to a recording of the owner yelling at them for getting caught.
There are reports that President Obama and his family may move to New York City after his term is over. Didn't we just go through this?
A new study shows that eating chocolate may have positive effects on the brain similar to exercising... because, as you know, we all love to hear someone say, "Wow, look at that firm brain!"
Dunkin' Donuts says it will commit to using only cage free eggs in its breakfast sandwiches. So, NOW we're talking healthy, right?
This Sunday is Easter. Yep, already time to go to church again! Hey, last time, you were singing Christmas carols, so the songs have changed!
California Governor Jerry Brown has responded to his state's severe drought conditions by issuing mandatory state-wide water restrictions. With any luck, this will mean an immediate stop to watering all kale plants.
Yeah, that California water shortage is getting serious. As of today, spitting on the sidewalk is now officially appreciated.
11-Atlanta elementary school teachers were shackled and taken to prison after being found guilty of racketeering by illegally raising students' test scores. When students heard the teachers could spend up to 35 years in prison, one student replied, "Well, at least it's not more than 10."
In England, Princess Kate started her maternity leave. Which means she'll stop doing whatever it is she was doing until she starts it back up again.
TOP FIVE JELLY BEAN FLAVORS WE'D LIKE TO SEE
Chocolate Mudslide Cocoa Chocolate Fudge With Extra Chocolate and bacon