This Week's WACKS
Our 1,002nd Edition
"1,002, boop boop be do!"
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April 17th, 2015
What's it mean when you dream about sleeping? Seems redundant.
President Obama's former pilot says he once saw a UFO on a flight. Then again, two of his secret service agents often see pink elephants. So there's a theme going...
An Indonesian man survived a flight in the wheel well of a plane. He says it was cramped and there was little air to breathe... but that it was actually more leg room than coach.
A study says that 1 in 10 Americans with anger issues have access to guns... which is why, right now, I'd like to apologize for anything I've ever said that ticked you off.
Michelle Obama says the Secret Service taught their daughter Malia to drive. Apparently, Lindsay Lohan was too busy.
Hillary Clinton made it official yesterday and announced that she's running for president. Who could have seen that coming?
Hillary Clinton announced yesterday that she has started her run for the presidency. Uh, when had she stopped?
L.A. Lakers coach Byron Scott says he thinks, given the opportunity, most of his players would shoot him in the back. That's assuming, of course, that Kobe would be willing to pass the gun.
Putting Rosa Parks on the $20 bill--good idea! After all, when you give someone a $20, you usually expect change!
My buddy Skip Tucker saw a chameleon today, so he's assuming it wasn't a very good one.
I went by the gym today. I go by there most days. In fact, all days. One of these days, I should stop.
In Germany, a 65-year-old woman is pregnant---with quadruplets! Of course, the big question---where were the parents!!!!
Florida Senator Marco Rubio announced yesterday that he's running for president. Hillary supporters don't consider him a serious threat. In fact, when they heard about Marco, most simply replied, "Polo!"
Hillary Clinton announced that she's running for vice-president on Twitter. Unfortunately, she accidentally deleted the video.
All of Hillary's campaign money is going into her staff, which is why -- for security -- she's had to resort to Paul Blart, Mall Cop.
Hillary announced she's running. Bill announced he's not chasing.
In Los Angeles, they're dealing with the unusual problem of a cougar who went under a home and refuses to come out. Not even the inflatable David Beckham doll has worked.
Police in India are hoping to find the person who robs businesses of their toilet paper. Over the last few months, a dozen or so small businesses have been broken into and robbed of their toilet tissue. The thief takes nothing else. The police say they have nothing to go on. For that matter, so do the business owners.
ABC has released a teaser for Diane Sawyer's chat with former Olympian Bruce Jenner. Hint -- being an Olympian is just one of the things where he's a former something.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he would crack down on legal marijuana if he became president. I believe that campaign has gone, as they say, up in smoke.
President Obama has taken Cuba off the state terrorism list and replaced it with Dennis Quaid.
A new report says the experience of flying is getting worse, with more flights that are late, more lost luggage and more complaints from travelers. I'd share even more details with you, but they can't find the report.
Radio Shack is selling their trademarked name. You'd think if Shaquille O'Neal ever wanted to have his own radio station, this would be the one to grab.
Scientists say they have found the brain's sarcasm center. The first thing it reportedly said was, "Oh, you're just smarter than a GPS, aren't you?"
I don't know about you, but I found Wednesday to be so taxing.
Billy Joel's girlfriend, Alexis Roderick, is pregnant. She's 33, he's 65. He's the singer that does the song, "I love you just the way you are, minus 30 years."
Wednesday was the 150th anniversary of the death of Abraham Lincoln. To be completely honest, I skipped getting an anniversary card. Radio sister Tammy Bennett was quick to point out that Lincoln needs an anniversary card like a hole in the....yeah, she said it.
Bruce Jenner is cutting off his ties with the Kardashians. Others quickly point out he's cutting off more than that.
The Cleveland Browns have unveiled new uniforms because, after all, it's uniforms that win games.
American Express card holders will soon be able to make payments with their fitness bands. Considering how far you have to go to find a place that accepts American Express, you should be getting in some great workouts.
Jordan Spieth won the Masters this year with a score of 18-under. Giving far less than the average and winning-that's been my strategy for years.
TOP FIVE GET RICH QUICK SCHEMES THAT PROBABLY WON'T WORK
- Richard Sherman's Modesty Coach
- Opening an Ice Cream stand in front of Weight Watchers
- Pitching Alyssa Milano on an illegal breast milk smuggling operation
- Building a replica Downton Abbey World out of Pasta
- Building a Jurassic Dodo Ranch
TOP FIVE THINGS HILLARY CLINTON COULD DO, BUT PROBABLY WON'T
- Make her official campaign slogan, "Hillary? Don't be Silliry"
- Ask football player Frank Gore to be her running mate, for the sake of a "Clinton/Gore" ticket
- Promise, when she's elected, to name husband Bill as "First Horndog"
- Make pants suits the law
- Ask if we could just save all that money on campaigning and just give it to her!
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS---My Presidential Sweepstakes has begun! Details here on my blog
PSPSPS --Check out this week's new 'toon and archives full of Ima Norwegian!
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