Jeb Bush has endorsed statehood for Puerto Rico. Boy, is that going to mess up the arrangement of the stars on the flag!
China has barred anyone from making unofficial weather forecasts. Yes, because the official ones are always right.
Ford has recalled almost 600,000 vehicles for steering problems. When you think about it, that seems like one of those recall issues where they should come to me.
Every time I comment about how the May weather has been, I want to follow it with "And the Pacquiao hasn't been bad, either."
The Denver Broncos' first round draft pick was a player who was busted last week for possession of marijuana. At least he was chosen by the right team...
A new report claims that robots will take over 30% of all jobs by 2025. They even wrote this. They even wrote this. They even wrote this.
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. Hey, they were all advised -- let him win the March Madness pool, but NOOOOO!!!!!!
Lindsey Vonn says she and Tiger Woods have broken up. Hey girls, he's still available.
The new royal baby has a name: Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. Or, as it's known at Buckingham Palace, Charlotte Elizabeth the Princess who's name we dare not speak.
The Kardashians and Sears are parting ways. What is it about that family and cutting things off?
There are some southern California Olive Gardens offering seconds for free. My thought is -- their evil plan is to get you so big, you can't leave the restaurant.
Save the Children released its index of the best places in the world to be a mother. Norway is number one. The U.S. places 33rd. Of course, Bruce Jenner's house is dead last.
Sometimes, the very thing you were looking for has been in the room the whole time. You just forgot you were looking for it.
Toughest job in the world -- life insurance agent on "Game of Thrones."
The new CEO of McDonald's is promising some big changes ahead. In a related story, Ronald McDonald was seen talking with Bruce Jenner.
Cinco de Mayo and Teacher Appreciation Day on the same day? Coincidence? I don't think so...
Alex Rodriguez hit his 660th home run the other day and, if you include his mom, that would make a total of two people that care.
The Cook Islands have the world's most obese population at 50.8%. This is also helping to explain why three of the islands sank.
The Cook Islands have the world's most obese population at 50.8%. To make matters worse, seven of the residents were actually mistaken for islands.
Puerto Rico's Governor has signed an executive order legalizing medical marijuana. They've also changed the official national slogan to "I'm sick! Me, too!"
A study says that sleepwalking may run in families. Or, to be more accurate, walk in families.
Government investigators want to talk to Lance Armstrong's girlfriend about his history of lying. Her reply: "Well, for starters, I was never his girlfriend."
A source says that J.J. Abrams might kill off Jar Jar Binks in the next Star Wars movie. Anyone got the Kickstarter address?
The NFL investigation into Deflate-gate uncovered that when the Patriots beat the Colts last year in the playoffs, it was more than just bad Luck.
So, apparently, it's not cheating---it's just being "disproportionately fair".
I wonder if I told the I.R.S. I was "generally aware" I was supposed to pay all my taxes, but I have a better grip on things when I pay less....
It's that weekend we honor mom -- the one who is always the most proud of us, except for that one weekend during the riot in Baltimore.
A report says that more than 24,000 Americans were injured on treadmills last year. That's why I don't exercise -- too dangerous.
L.A. and California both set tourism records in 2014. That's why they're thinking about making water only for locals.
A Norwegian researcher is pushing for the legalization of LSD. For what it's worth, he found "Lillyhammer" is much funnier that way...
Yesterday on Facebook, Tom Brady observed Throwback Thursday by posting pictures of fully-inflated footballs. He just doesn't get it.
I just don't think the NFL understands the concept of punishment. So, as punishment for Deflategate, they're thinking of suspending Tom and forcing him to stay at home with his wife, Gisele Bundchen? Punish me.
TOP FIVE NEW DISNEY MOVIE PROJECTS THAT WILL PROBABLY NEVER MAKE IT TO THE SCREEN
"Old Yeller's Revenge"
"Lady and the Trump"
TOP FIVE NEW CHARACTERS IN THE NEXT STAR WARS MOVIE
Jebba the Bush
The country singer, Garth Vader
Obi-Wan Kenobi Bryant
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BRING TO MOM ON MOTHER'S DAY
A bouquet of pipe cleaner flowers (for God's sake, you're a grown up)
A scratched off lottery ticket
Last year's Mother's Day card with the year crossed out and updated
Your recently completed biography, titled "I blame her!"