This Week's WACKS
Our 1,007th Edition
"We're under-achieving. A 3-day weekend?  Let's go for 4!"
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May 22nd, 2015

B.B. King is gone and he took the thrill with him.

B.B. King's actual name was Riley B. King. I'm sure he went with B.B., because R.B. King sounds like a burger chain.

Microsoft says the average person's attention span is eight seconds. There was a lot more in the report, but after that I tuned it out.

The NFL is reportedly considering three proposed changes to the extra point rule... to which a spokesman for the Oakland Raiders asked, "Uh, what's an extra point?"

A survey says that 22-perfect of 12-to-18 year old students report they have been bullied. It was only 10-percent but we pressured more to admit it.

Mitt Romney got into the boxing ring to raise money for CharityVision, a group that helps restore vision to people with eye problems. I think Mitt's still trying to figure out why the country couldn't see him as president.

Scientists say that fruit flies may experience fear. Add to that, a lot of fruit flies were afraid we'd say that.

Dairy Queen has announced plans to remove soda from its kids' menu. Like I'm ever going to equate health eating with Dairy Queen.

The 8th annual American Fitness Index calls Washington, D.C. the fittest city in the U.S. My guess is because so many people are running... for president.

It's now been 23 hours since the last presidential announced. How long can we go?

Canada says it's going to reduce its greenhouse gas emissions by 30 percent below 2005 levels by 2030... to which China replied, "Cool! More coal on the fire!!!"

40,000 bees have been removed from a New York home where they had set up shop. What's that song by the Bee Bee's? "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Stay in a hive. Stay in a hive... "

According to a new survey, 69 percent of Americans are worried about circus animals. The number goes up to almost 100 percent if a cage door was left open.

A 60-year-old bonsai tree has been stolen near Seattle. Police describe the suspects as "armed and arborist."

New this morning -- York, Jersey and Mexico. Film at 11.

Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. He's also the first candidate named after a troubled actress and a cracker.

A resort in Mexico has opened the first underwater bar. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Researchers have found that children in preschool are exercising only 12 percent of the day. Then again, that's 11 percent more than me and that's only because I'm including my trips to the refrigerator.

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: Not to brag or anything, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 27 minutes.

Honey Boo Boo's mother Mama June made a personal appearance at a Florida strip club.  Riot police were on hand, in case she tried to perform.

Now, someone's suggesting M and M's..with bacon.  My guess is, it was suggested by an alien race that plans to eat us.

A friend of mine is on a cruise and I had to ask her if San Juan was the same as St. John, but in Spanish.

I'm wondering if that Starbucks employee that was fired for yelling at a customer will blame too much caffeine.  Seems like a good defense.

Remember, the only reason God made Memorial Day Weekend three days long is because he couldn't get that much rain into just two days.

TOP FIVE SPECIAL SONGS FOR THE 35TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE ERUPTION MOUNT ST. HELENS

  1.     Idina Menzel's "Let it blow! Let it blow!"
  2.     Canaan Smith's "Lava you like that!"
  3.     Brad Paisley's "Gushin' it!"
  4.     Coldplay's "A Sky Full of Ash"
  5.     Taylor Swift's "Quake it off"

TOP FIVE DIFFERENT WAYS TO CELEBRATE MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND

  1.     Tell people you misunderstood and thought they said, "Mimosa Day Weekend"
  2.     Build a replica of the Iwo Jima statue out of yogurt
  3.     Sleep during the day and celebrate three nights off in a row
  4.     Work on Monday (we didn't say these were great ideas)
  5.     Just hose down the tent and tell people you went camping
Laugh a little, would ya?                 
                    Tim

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