This Week's WACKS
Our 1,009th Edition
"Happy Cinco de Juno!!"
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June 5th, 2015
Chris Soules and his fiancee Whitney Bischoff have split just two months after viewers watched the season 19 Bachelor pop the question. Hmm... maybe meeting and dating on a national TV show isn't the way to meet the right person?
Lamborghini is planning to produce a 600 horsepower SUV. Yeah, that's what I want to be stuck in traffic with...
Maybe now we can finally use up the last of those fossil fuels.
L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti says he hopes the film "San Andreas" will get residents to prepare for a major earthquake. They would, but they spent all their money buying tickets for the movie.
McDonald's says it will stop reporting its monthly sales data. I'm reminded of the words of my late weather-forecasting pal, Ray Ramsey, who often said, "Remember, there is no problem too big that you can't run away from it."
A study says that within five years, 80% of the Internet will be videos. You better get your cat piano lessons!
The European Food Safety Authority says that drinking more than five espressos a day may damage a person's health. You see, its reports like this that keep me awake at night. Either that, or the five espresso drinks I do every day...
U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry broke his leg in a bike crash in Geneva Sunday. Apparently his way of saying he won't be running -- or cycling -- in 2016.
Sunday was National Dam Safety Awareness Day. I hope you had a happy Dam day.
A Thai cafe is billing itself as the world's first Witchcraft Cafe, serving food, spells and concoctions. I don't know what possessed me to say that. Might have been the soup. "Do you take cream with your magic, or just like it black?"
A new study says that loud noise can cause weight gain. This according to the author of the new book, "Crank it up... with cheese!"
Kate Gosselin is walking around with a ring on that finger... is she engaged? What some guys won't do to get Father's Day gifts.
A new study says we spend over 8 hours a day consuming media. More details during our 8-hour report tomorrow.
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are expecting their second child together, as foretold in Revelations.
Remember, I didn't give you this idea. You want to avoid all the controversy or being accused of not being sympathetic, so I'm not going to say another word about Bruce Jenner. But, I can play this---(the hook from Aerosmith's "Dude looks like a lady") Steven Tyler, you insensitive bastard!
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are expecting their second child. If it's a girl, odds are pretty good they won't name her Caitlyn.
They don't care if it's a boy or a girl--just as long as it's narcissistic.
A report says the average size of homes in the U.S. increased for the fifth straight year. They had to -- how else are we going to fit through that door?
A study says that poor sleep may contribute to the chances of developing Alzheimer's disease. On behalf of everyone who's ever worked on a morning radio show, I'd just like to say... uh, something.
I'm not as excited about self-driving cars as I will be when they develop the "going in to work to cover for me" robot.
Congrats to FIFA. They finally found a cure for that embarrassing Blatter problem.
A Virginia high school teacher has resigned after she was accused of showing several students pictures of her breast implants. May I be among the first to say, "We never had things like that when I was a kid... "
So, if you have a complete sex-change, you're trans-gender. If you only have a partial sex-change, you're trans-Jenner? Trying to keep up.
Ciara has announced that she and Russell Wilson are seeing each other exclusively. Does that mean she's wearing his Super Bowl ring around her neck on a string?
American Pharaoh, the horse that could win the Triple Crown this weekend, is starting to get a little uppity. For example, he's asking that you now pronounce his name, "American fuh-RELL."
The transformed Bruce Jenner reality show is going to be called "I am Cait." A much better title than the original, "Cait minus 8."
I'm watching this whole thing with Bruce Jenner and wondering to myself, "Was there something in all those Wheaties he ate?"
A study says that not brushing teeth can lead to health problems including dementia. Not to mention a psychotic hygienist.
A new study says that 14% of Americans are too obsessed with alcohol. Or, as I like to put it, we're 7-proof.
TOP FIVE THINGS ON YOUR TO DO LIST IN JUNE
- Stop writing April on my checks.
- Turn the calendar page and finally get it off October.
- Finally get around to taking down the Christmas lights... maybe.
- Not dwell on the number of days left until school starts again.
- Promise to take the lawn mower in for repair... eventually.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE A LOUSY CAMPER
- Smokey Bear tries to burn down your tent
- You make a S'more so badly, the family calls them a S'less
- You set up the tent inside out
- You can't start a fire with matches, kindling, pine cones and newspaper
- You were boiling water to sterilize it---and burned it.
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
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