Well, this puts us exactly five months away from Christmas Eve. Just sayin'....
A report says that IRS customer service is getting worse. Isn't that like hearing that Kim Jong-un is getting ruder? (You can practically hear the audit papers being written up, can't you?)
It was 60 years ago last Friday that Disneyland welcomed its first guests. The last people in line at the Matterhorn are almost on the ride.
The CDC put out a warning asking people not to kiss or snuggle with chickens for fear of contracting salmonella. Oh, sure, tell me AFTER the weekend...
How is Caitlyn Jenner's transition going? Really well -- right now, she's at the stage where she not only leaves underwear on the floor, but she also picks them up.
Seen on Facebook: "Vegetarians live up to 9 years longer than the rest of us. 9 horrible, worthless, baconless years."
If an acupuncturist takes up needlepoint, is that redundant?
The members of Duran Duran say their work is still relevant, comparing themselves to Beethoven. I'm going to assume they're referring to that movie with the St. Bernard.
Ventriloquist Mark Merchant says don't ask him for financial advice. Remember, he's the guy that invested in that Greek company that makes confederate flags.
Here's the new catch-phrase: "Shut the Trump up!"
By the way, I was never really afraid of clowns until Donald Trump.
Donald Trump says he won't apologize to John McCain. But we can still work on getting an apology for him being him.
Donald Trump received his largest endorsement yet: the Democrats. They've even come up with a slogan for him: "Just keep talking."
Actually, the best thing Donald Trump could get to help his campaign? Laryngitis.
From Facebook: "My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills."
Another gem from Facebook: "I spend half my life wondering if it's too late to drink coffee and the other half wondering if it's too early to drink alcohol."
Ohio Gov. John Kasich has become the 16th Republican running for president. Another 48 and we can create a bracket!
All those years I wanted to play like Tiger Woods. Now, thanks to him, I almost do.
From Facebook: A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. "First offender?" the judge asked. She replies, "No, first a Gibson. Then a Fender."
Ashley Madison, a website that promotes affairs between married people was hacked with information of its 37 Million users compromised. Their slogan was, "Life is short. Have an affair." I think it's about to change to, "It will be even shorter. She's about to find out."
Doctors in China have saved a hand severed in an industrial accident by grafting it onto the man's ankle for a month before reattaching it to his arm. Now if a sees a quarter on the sidewalk, he no longer has to bend over to pick it up.
A study says the best age to get married to cut down the chances of divorce are between 27 and 29. Now the trick is convincing someone that young to marry me.
Did you miss "Sharknado 3: Oh, Hell no!" last night on the Syfy network? Congrats!
A state official says that Washington isn't ready for 'the big one.' I'll assume he's talking about Donald Trump, because one of the biggest ones I know.
What I'm wondering -- if Donald Trump keeps ticking off all of the other Republican candidates and he wins the nomination, how's he going to pick a running mate? Good morning... unless, of course, you joined Ashley Madison... ... then, you don't know for sure.
It appears Nick Cannon was hospitalized for exhaustion this week. Just his body letting him know he's got too much going on. Not to kick him while he's down, his body didn't say a word about his shoes.
Donald Trump toured the U.S./Mexico border yesterday. To play it extra safe, Mexico doubled its border guards to make sure he stayed out.
I was thinking that a clever name for a rapper would be T.Rump.
A study says that men tend to gain three to five pounds after becoming new fathers. Which, according to my calculations, means I have 18 kids out there somewhere.
Because California is on fire, while having floods and a drought all at the same time, the judges on "America's Got Talent" have decided to put the entire state through to the next round.
NASA's Kepler space telescope has captured evidence of a potentially habitable planet more similar to Earth than any system previously discovered amid the sea of stars in the Milky Way galaxy. It's being called "Kepler-452b". First thing we need to work on is that name.
This does give me an idea. However, it does involve drugging Donald Trump and having him wake up on the planet and saying, "Hey…where'd everybody go?"
A new study claims that 3 out of every 4 Americans were aware of Amazon Prime Day. More bad news for Amazon.
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT DISNEYLAND IS NOW 60 YEARS OLD
Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln includes him yelling at kids to get off the lawn
Tomorrowland actually more Yesterdayland
It's a Small World now slightly larger so it's easier to read
Fireworks go off at 4pm
The Evil Queen now wears evil Spanx
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU NEED TO SHAVE YOUR EARS
You keep getting asked, "Why you wearing ear muffs in this weather?"
While building a nest, birds fly in your ears
People think you're wearing two pony tails
You look like you're wearing Brillo Pad earrings
It looks like you've grown a pair of side mustaches