Kermit and Miss Piggy breaking up. Sesame Street going to HBO. What's next? I'm half-expecting Oscar the Grouch to make a movie, "Straight out of Compacter!"
An airport in Orlando will open a $250,000 Muslim prayer room. I'm sure it's near the Christian prayer room and the Jewish prayer room.
A study says that playing music during surgery can ease pain and anxiety for the patient. Unless, of course, you're playing "It's too late" by Carole King or Cutting Crew's "I just died in your arms tonight."
After 63 years, the Washington Generals have been dropped by the Harlem Globetrotters. You can say "What a bunch of losers", but that was their job!
Seen on Facebook: "They should announce a sequel to Groundhog's Day and just re-release the original."
The Secret Service says it is going to hire 1,100 new agents. Well, that secret's out...
Disney says that Woody will find love in "Toy Story 4." So, you're saying Woody will get a... uh, girlfriend?
A new study explains why people believe in conspiracy theories. Of course, you gotta wonder who was behind that new study... ?
Fidel Castro says the U.S. owes Cuba "many millions of dollars" for the decades-long embargo. The grocery clerk he told that to said, "Whatever... "
The radio station keeps saying "traffic and weather every 10 minutes." Do they really think I'm that forgetful?
Starbucks adding real pumpkin to their Pumpkin Spice Lattes? What's next? Actually chicken in McDonald's Chicken Nuggets?
If Donald Trump doesn't consider Heidi Klum a 10, he either needs a math tutor or glasses.
By the way, Donald Trump is now saying that, in Roman numerals, X is no longer a 10.
The New York Times wrote a pretty scathing article on Amazon. Pretty much assume that nothing will ever arrive in 2 days there again...
Washington Redskins quarterback RG III says he feels he is the best quarterback in the league. And that may be true, as long as you don't include winning games in the formula.
San Antonio says they are willing to host the Raiders on a temporary basis while they are figuring out where they will move, because San Antonio doesn't have a professional football team. Then again, neither does Oakland...
On Facebook, there was a quote where they were saying that they "disconnected their home security system and put up an ISIS flag up front. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, NSA, the CIA and Homeland Security are all watching the home 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.95 a month!"
My friend Pedro Bartes points out that female Viagra was approved on Tuesday. Bill Clinton's birthday was Wednesday. Coincidence? I don't think so...
For some reason, every year, my birthday makes me feel older and older...
Don't use this joke--It looks like Jared Fogle is going to be getting anywhere from 5 to 12......AND they're sending him to prison for a bunch of years.
Investigators say that Hillary Clinton's little blue hard drive that was hanging in the closet had been wiped clean. Obviously, a lesson was learned...
David Gilmore has officially announced the break-up of Pink Floyd. Well, as long as the Beatles are still togetherů.what?
Danica Patrick has a new sponsor, Nature's Bakery which makes flavored fig bars. And of course, eat enough of those and you'll be racing somewhere, too!
A company is developing an elevator that can take you into space. It would be just my luck, I finally get on the elevator to the moon and the person next to the button pushes all the planets.
Donald Trump told reporters yesterday that it would be very easy to round up all undocumented immigrants. To prove his point, he made a mock raid on a Home Depot parking lot.
Seen on Facebook: "LSD is a great weight-loss drug. After all, there's no way you're going to go near that refrigerator with a dragon guarding it!"
TOP FIVE SIGNS THIS COULD BE A TOUGH WEEK AHEAD
The boss asks to meet with you and he's wearing a bio-suit
Your calendar says it's "National Tough Week Week"
Arriving at work, you see that your desk is now a crime scene
During the night, your car was struck by a meteor
Your alarm didn't go off... and it's noon!
TOP FIVE MOST IMPOSSIBLE THINGS
Going 5 minutes without hearing the name Donald Trump
Being the highest paid player in the NFL for more than one season