This Week's WACKS
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September 18th, 2015

Queen Elizabeth II has become the longest reigning monarch in English history at 63 years, 216 days. To quote Prince Charles: "Yeah, tell me about it."

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: "Note to self: 'Spit-roasting' apparently has nothing to do with saliva." At least that was the consensus among the guests at my barbecue.

He also tells me that he & Bill Gates have a combined fortune of around $80-billion.

Rick Perry and my knees have something in common--they both have decided to give up running.

OK, those 10,000 Rick Perry for President bumper stickers were just delivered by Amazon and...why are you looking at me that way?

Goldman Sachs is predicting that the price of a barrel of oil could drop to around $20 by next year. Finally, I can afford to give someone the gift of a barrel of oil!

Scientists say the best way to keep dust mites away is to leave beds unmade. Apparently the little critters are neat freaks.

Taco Bell is testing alcohol sales in Chicago and San Francisco. They've also changed their slogan in those cities, to "Stumble for the border."

There is no truth to the rumor that Hillary Clinton, if elected president, plans to create an army of drones & dress them up like flying monkeys.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to take over for Donald Trump on "The Apprentice." Instead of saying, "You're fired!" he could say, "You won't be back!"

Like Abraham Lincoln once said on his Facebook page, "You can't believe everything you read on the Internet."

North Korea says it has restarted their nuclear bomb fuel plants. Sounds like it's time to bring in Ambassador Rodman again...

Keurig announced that they are now offering pre-packaged cups that let you make instant Campbell's Soup in their coffee machines. Can Starbucks extra-chunky coffee be far behind?

A farmer in India is claiming that he's made over $1-million in the last four years by selling bull semen. Hopefully that defrayed the cost of all the bull porn he had to buy.

A CNN poll says that 29% of Americans believe that President Obama is Muslim. Of course, 29% also believe that CNN is still a viable news service.

The IRS says it can no longer accept checks of $100-million or more. Of all the things in the world that could be a problem, that's not one of them.

Miss Alabama slammed Donald Trump at the Miss America beauty pageant, saying the GOP should be "absolutely terrified" of him. Donald simply brushed off the comment, but his hair had to be restrained.

By the way, our new Miss America is Betty Cantrell, the reigning Miss Georgia, a state known for their peaches. I'm getting out here...

Twitter went through a partial outage on Monday. Police have been investigating and so far, have reduced the number of suspects down to 140 characters.

Patriot's quarterback Tom Brady says he's supporting Donald Trump for president. If you notice some of Trump's speeches going flat, we'll have a prime suspect.

Comedian Steve Rannazzisi now says he WASN'T in the World Trade Center the day of 9-11. All this time, he's been saying that the events that day changed his life because he was there... and he now admits he wasn't. However, he does still insist he was at Woodstock... although, he hadn't been born yet...

New York City will soon have traffic signals that can talk to cars.  These will go great with the pedestrian signs that say, "Walk" and "Fuggedaboutit!"

A city in Japan has an app where citizens can download pictures of dog poop to report people who aren't cleaning up after their pets.  A crap app?

A new study says that sitting too long can cause liver disease.  Especially in a bar.

Donald Trump said he would replace Obamacare with something called 'Donaldcare'. That name is probably available, because it could never be taken seriously as the name of a hair care product.

The government has unveiled a new website that predicts your financial worth after graduating college.  It's for students who aren't already depressed.

Tuesday was National Double Cheeseburger Day. It's all part of National Bypass Week.

TOP FIVE SIGNS THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS MAY BE CHEATING

  1.     They're playing a game
  2.     Before the snap, Patriots coach yells to opponents, "I wouldn't run that next play if I were you."
  3.     Lance Armstrong brought in as a consultant
  4.     Matt Damon distracting officials while Don Cheadle sneaks into locker room
  5.     Team's official sponsor -- Ashley Madison

TOP FIVE REASONS YOUR NEW EXERCISE CLUB IS FAILING

  1.     You've only met twice and both times were at Baskin-Robbins
  2.     Club slogan should be "Feel the burn" not "Don't burn the pizza"
  3.     Had to stop and rest after thinking about going to the next meeting
  4.     You're the only member
  5.     You can't really expect big results with something called "The One Pushup Club"

Laugh a little, would ya?                 
                    Tim

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