Ozzy Osbourne made a trip to San Antonio to apologize a second time for urinating on the Alamo more than 30 years ago. Unfortunately, Ozzy, you're talking to people who never forget...
Pepsi is rolling out a new line of soda called "1893." Marshawn Lynch will still do the commercials, but this time, his great-grandmother will provide the voice.
The San Diego Padres' Petco Park was been turned into a nine hole golf course for a few days last week. Unfortunately for the Padres, it was the only time where the lowest scare wins.
In one of his books, Ben Carson actually admitted to falling asleep several times while driving his car. That reminds me of the old classic: I want to die like my grandfather, in his sleep... not like the screaming passengers in his car.
Twitter has changed their star button to a heart-shaped button for you to click when you like something. Next, we need a liver-shaped button, to signify we're using Twitter while drinking.
Green Bay Packers safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix got into an altercation with his teammates last Sunday on the sideline. My bet is that it HAD to do with his name. I mean, c'mon!
A: Colin Kaepernick and the U.S. Supreme Court.
Q: Name ten people who have returned to the bench.
The sixth annual National Beard and Moustache Championships took place Saturday in Brooklyn. I believe the event was carried on ESPN 36.
Kobe Bryant says this could be his last year in the NBA. I can't imagine him passing on another year. For that matter, I can't imagine passing anything.
Puppets, Twister and the Super Soaker were this year's selections to the Toy Hall of Fame... to which kids under-12 said, "We've never heard of those video games."
Maybe the President shot down the Keystone XL Pipeline project because he thinks a Keystone XXL would be a better fit.
Jeb Bush, when asked if he would go back in time to kill a baby Hitler said, "Yes, I would." Now, the only thing standing between him and being elected president is a time machine.
Pamela Anderson says she's been cured of her hepatitis. Uh, you first...
Chipotle restaurants, closed down by an E.coli outbreak, could re-open as soon as next week. Uh, you first...
So you know, I'm boycotting Eastbay Athletic Equipment because nowhere do they even mention Christmas on their baseball cups.
Funny from Facebook: "I can't decide if I need a hug, an XL coffee, 6 shots of vodka or two weeks of sleep!"
The President of Nigeria has fired the chief of the country's anti-corruption agency. Not surprising. The guy's nickname was Sir Bribed-A-Lot.
Chris Christie has banned bestiality from New Jersey. That should help win him the sheep vote.
China's smog levels have reportedly climbed to 50 times higher than allowable recommendations from the WHO. The good news: for scientists who want to test the air, it's easy to take a slice.
Remember, today is a gift. Find the receipt and you can take it back and trade it in on an Xbox
It's Friday the 13th-the most unluckiest day of the year to be superstitious.
The postal workers union has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. For the record, the union is actually a couple of years older than Bernie.
Pizza Hut has debuted a triple decker pizza box that is filled with pizza, breadsticks and dessert. Because, obviously, we're not eating enough already.
Question-who's even awake enough in the morning to notice there's no Christmas on your coffee cup?
And frankly, if the Christmas displays at Costco, Rite Aid and Target that have been up since August aren't enough, you're never going to remember anyway.
TOP FIVE POSSIBLE IDEAS FOR THANKSGIVING CAROLS
"The First 'No, I'm full'"
"Oh come, get a face full"
"It came beside a gravy clear"
"Ding Dong Roasting it on High"
"The Little Drumstick Boy"
TOP FIVE REASONS WHY AMERICANS OVER THE AGE OF 30 ARE MORE MISERABLE THAN EVER BEFORE
Actually, I told you the reason a moment ago, when you were texting
Fall finales instead of more new episodes
Our choices for president
The under 30s have moved back in
Can't find my readers
TOP FIVE NEW TV SHOWS THAT PROBABLY AREN'T GOING TO SURVIVE