EDITOR'S NOTE: Well, I'm the writer and the editor, so that's silly. But I like people to think that there's an editor so that if there's a screwup, I can fire me. Hey, short holiday edition this week but a quick thanks for being out there for me and reading these each week. 7 of my 9 doctors say it's very therapeutic for me. All the best for a great Thanksgiving Day and holiday season to follow.
NOTE FROM TIM: Me, too.
FROM OTHER PERSONALITY, NOT YET OFFICIALLY IDENTIFIED: Hey, you guys want to knock off the banter and get on with the jokes?
It's day 18 of keeping track of how many days I've been trying to keep track of... or is it 20?
A Canadian company has just found the world's second largest diamond in Botswana. It's about the size of a tennis ball. Kobe Bryant calls it "the ultimate apology gift!"
Bernie Sanders, the presidential hopeful and senator from Vermont, has joined Snapchat. Although, he admits, he's not fond of snapping or chatting.
I can hear the questions at immigration: "Surely you can't be Syrian?" "I am Syrian and stop calling me Shirley."
This Thanksgiving, in the spirit of the year, we're having a Tom that identified as a hen.
A study says that music is good for helping patients' bodies heal after surgery. OK, maybe not the songs "Loser" or "I just died in your arms tonight"... but you get the idea.
A study says that people who drink 3-5 cups of coffee a day are less likely to die prematurely. Well, at least I'll be awake for it.
Apple is acknowledging mysterious shutdowns with the new iPad Pro... which means this one's more like Windows than any Apple computer so far.
Nothing says you're a beer drinker more than bringing a bottle of 2-Buck Chuck to a party.
Isn't a mincemeat pie without meat just a mince pie?
I'll be honest -- the first time I heard the headline, "Russian Jet Shot Down By Turkey" I was thinking, "Maybe we should switch to ham this year."
Angelina Jolie was quoted as saying the other day, "I actually love being in menopause." Her husband Brad hurried out of the room and outside... for some reason...
Hillary Clinton said during an interview that her biggest guilty pleasure is chocolate. Immediately afterwards, Bill yelled out, "That makes one of us!"
Two Boeing workers have been fired for sexting to each other on company phones. They were also reprimanded for inappropriate use of the words "Jumbo," "777x" and "Dreamliner."
Red Lobster says it will increase the size of the shrimp they use in certain dishes after complaints from customers they were too small. Isn't there a size where shrimp stop being shrimps?
So we've hit the point where it's no longer too early to play Christmas music. Yet, it's still too early to talk about running for president, but do we pay attention to that? NOOOOOOO!!!
Every year, the Butterball turkey talk hotline receives more than 100,000 phone calls. At their end, carefully trained volunteers who manage not to burst out laughing until after they hang up.
Not making this up-a local strip club had up on their readerboard, "Pumpkin Spiced Lap Dances."
TOP FIVE COMMON THANKSGIVING PHRASES THAT SOUND DIRTY OR RUDE, BUT AREN'T REALLY
I'd like the breast
I'm opening my pants
Braising the giblets
Passing the yams
Stuffing the turkey
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU ATE TOO MUCH DURING THE HOLIDAY WEEKEND
You popped all your shirt buttons and now keep it closed with duct tape