This Week's WACKS
Our 1,040th Edition
"Remember, it's the little things that make big things seem larger"
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January 15th, 2016
You know what I hate about crustaceans? They're so shellfish.
A new office chair alerts the company how long employees are sitting through the day. Hey, as long as it doesn't cut into my Facebook time, I'm cool.
Joe Biden says he "regrets" staying out of the 2016 presidential race, but it was best for his family. I wonder how many Thanksgivings they'll be reminded of that every year?
New York City has begun converting old phone booths into free Wi-Fi stations. Which means, the next time Clark Kent sees a crime, he can run to a phone booth and post about it on Facebook!
Hugh Hefner is going to put his Los Angeles Playboy mansion up for sale---for $200-million. Yep--no more bunny business.
One thing about the Golden Globes--once you've won the award, you're only half-way there--then you have to figure out how to get to the stage.
Leonardo DiCaprio's movie "The Revenant" won best actor, best director and best picture at the Golden Globes Sunday night. AND, it was the #1 movie of the weekend behind Star Wars.
Best two lines I saw on last Sunday's Seahawks/Vikings game on Facebook were: "Blair Miss Project" and "Hawks' Shank Redemption."
I don't why I watch the Golden Globes. I only know some of the movies and shows, don't know any of the actors and we only get to hear part of what Ricky Gervais has to say.
I was amused by the fact that so many winners at the Golden Globes got up on stage and spent an entire minute telling us how they were speechless.
This just in -- apparently while leaving the Golden Globes, Leonardo DiCaprio was mauled by a bear who took away his award.
Seen on Facebook: "I saw a guy at Starbucks today. He didn't have a smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there, drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath."
Susan Sarandon has been named the new face of L'Oreal Paris at age 69. I'm assuming because she's worth it.
Justin Bieber was reportedly kicked out of ancient Mayan ruins in Mexico because he was climbing them. In Bieber's defense, how do you ruin ruins?
There's a new GoSun grill that uses solar energy to cook food. The only bad news is that it takes two years to grill a steak.
Dating site OkCupid is now allowing users to identify themselves who are involved in a relationship or are married but want to carry on with other people. So, the categories are now "Single," "Separated" or "The Never Prospers."
I just have to accept that I will never realize my dreams. Well, unless, of course, Jennifer Lawrence consents.
It's Day 6 and El Chapo is still in custody.
An autograph expert said that Hillary Clinton's autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. For instance, a Hillary Clinton-signed hat is worth about $1500 dollars. In comparison, a Bernie Sanders autographed derby is worth only around a hundred bucks.
Starbucks says it's going to open 500 stores a year in China. I'm sure they'll succeed. I wouldn't bet against them for all the coffee in China.
The NFL voted to allow the St. Louis Rams to return to Los Angeles and gave San Diego the option to move there. Oakland was put in the awkward position of telling their prom date that they're going to ask someone else, and that someone else said 'no'.
The NFL says the Rams can move back to L.A.. For you non-football fans, that's like Jennifer Aniston getting back together with Brad Pitt.
A guy in England, who has been a sperm bank donor for 16 years, is said to be the father of over 800 kids. That's an all-time record for a non-NBA player.
The Playboy Mansion in L.A. is on the market for $200-million. The only catch: 89-year-old resident Hugh Hefner will be allowed to live there the rest of his life. And a warning -- he snores.
Actually, I don't think that's the only catch ever experienced at the Playboy Mansion.
By the way -- bunnies not included.
Bernie Sanders says the U.S. should have a serious national discussion about sexuality. It's been a lifetime dream of mine to talk about sex with a 74-year-old man.
Subway announced that its replacing its slogan "Eat Fresh" with a new one: "Stop bringing up Jared!"
My buddy Skip Tucker says his favorite flavor of bagel is Donut.
Then there's the friend that's bitter because Los Angeles got a professional football team before Cleveland.
We know three things for sure: 1) The Powerball jackpot hit $1.6-billion for Wednesday night's drawing. 2) There were 3 winning tickets sold. 3) Neither you or I had one of them.
A thief at an Oregon pet store walked out after stuffing a python down his pants. And, of course, he was happy to see anybody.
Ben & Jerry's ice cream wants to make a flavor inspired by Bernie Sanders. I can't wait to try the new flavor, called "You Kids, Get Off My Lawn!"
Wikipedia turns 15 today and can't wait to get its learner's permit.
They say it's getting close-that the price of oil is becoming cheaper than bottled water. Good thing we didn't pursue that hydrogen engine thing…
NBC has canceled "Heroes Reborn". Yes, it's re-died.
I reached in the cupboard the other day and found some rice past its expiration date. So I stuck a cell phone in it, to see if I could save it.
TOP FIVE INDICATIONS ITS REALLY COLD OUTSIDE
- You think you just chipped a tooth on your coffee
- People were using ice scrapers to remove tears from their faces
- The flashers are just describing themselves
- You put your hands in the freezer to warm up
- Your dog froze to the fire hydrant
TOP FIVE HINTS THAT YOUR DATE ISN'T GOING TO GO VERY WELL
- She's wearing a parachute
- Had to go back in the house quickly because she forgot her three antibiotics
- She brought her parents
- She asks how you feel about cannibalism
- Her Vikings shirt and your Seahawks jersey
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPSPS --Check out this week's new 'toon and archives full of Ima Norwegian!
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PS6--NEW Peekaboo Street among the folks you'll hear from this week on my podcast