Scientists have brought back a cousin of the zebra that has been extinct for 100 years. Didn't anyone take notes during any of the Jurassic Park movies?
An Idaho man who legally changed his name to Santa Claus was arrested for DUI. He's being held in something that was also renamed, "the Toyshop."
Donald Trump called Brussels, Belgium a "hell hole." Someone got an "Insult a Day" calendar for Christmas!
By the way, a guy who threw a tomato at Donald Trump during a rally has been charged with disorderly conduct... and second degree "terrible aim."
Mattel says they're going to start making Barbie dolls in various body shapes, to make them more realistic. Ken's reaction? "Great. Just great."
An analyst for Time magazine had advice for Republicans. He said the key to keep the party going is to bring in young women. To which Bill Clinton replied, "Well, duh!"
Time to flip over the calendar. Oh, wow. It was still on December anyway...
Oh, my God! I was just attacked by something that just came out of the ground. I stomped on it and....oh, wait. Was that the groundhog?
Microsoft's Bill Gates says there was a time that he used to memorize employee license plates so he could tell how long they were spending at work. Another argument for taking the bus...
The NBA All-Star Game is on Valentine's Day this year. Nothing says 'I love you' more than the phrase, 'Yeah, honey. Right after the game... '
Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis last week. That's gotta be in Revelations somewhere...
Once again, the rest of the country is done talking about Iowa for the next four years.
Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee has dropped out of the presidential race. Both of his supporters are said to be devastated.
While on the Democratic side, former Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley has called it quits on his run for president. At the Democratic debates, O'Malley was the one known as "that other guy."
Punxsutawney Phil The Groundhog did NOT see his shadow, which indicates an early spring... or that he was just on his phone and never noticed it.
When scientists warn us about global warming, there are those who call it a crock. Yet, have a rodent not see his shadow and we believe it'll be an early spring like it's the gospel!
Oh, by the way, our national debt has hit $19-trillion for those of you keeping score... that doesn't include service fees or tips.
Time to get out there and hit those "After Ground Hog's Day Sales."
They're talking about the Zika virus and how it's normally spread by mosquitos. Now they're reporting it being spread as a result of sex. With a mosquito? How?
Broncos rookie safety Ryan Murphy is being sent back to Denver after being questioned by San Jose police during a prostitution sting. He may or may not get a Super Bowl ring, but he probably will get something else.
A new study says that smoking marijuana may affect a person's verbal memory. Apparently, it damages part of your…uh...thinking thing…
Mattel is going to start making Barbie dolls in more realistic body types. When I offered to model for the Ken doll makeover, they said, "Too much reality."
TOP FIVE OTHER REACTIONS BY THE GROUNDHOG
If he sees his landlord, it means he forgot to give him the rent check yesterday.
If he sees "Paul Blart -- Mall Cop 3," he'll be the only one.
If he sees a presidential debate, it means 9 more months of campaigning
If he sees his shadow at 5 o'clock, he'll shave
If he sees the Powerball up to $500-million, he'll buy tickets
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU MAY BE OUT OF SHAPE
Richard Simmons tells you, "You're on your own."
Got a hernia from deep-breathing exercises
You've got a contract with Nike not to wear their brand
You pulled a muscle thinking about how out of shape you are