I want to be excited about it being Friday and all...but I guess I'm just kinda feeling Eli Manning.
An Australian man has gone on a diet where he will eat only potatoes for a year, or after he hears the "this spud's for you" joke over 1,000 times, whichever comes first.
Ronda Rousey's mother predicted her daughter would be knocked out by Holly Holm. My guess is, that's really going to scale down this year's Mother's Day gift.
Hard to believe there are only 48 primaries to go.
Wal-Mart is selling caskets and urns adorned with your favorite MLB team's logo. I suppose for Cubs fans, it's a chance to go down with the team one last time...
It turns out that Bernie Sanders lost the Iowa Caucus by .03%. Apparently, he was just a two-tailed coin away from winning.
Japan has put its military on alert to shoot down any North Korean missile launches that threaten its territory. Adding insult to injury, they plan to do it Gangnam style.
I missed another Republican debate on TV Saturday night. I always like to start my Mondays with a positive thought.
Bernie Sanders says his campaign is trying to appeal now to senior citizens. It would probably help with the rest of the voters if he didn't refer to seniors as "these kids today."
An associate of Osama bin Laden's who is currently being held prisoner in Guantanamo Bay was recently found to have a Match.com profile. He felt Craigslist would have been too dangerous.
All he wants to do is get himself a little jihaddy.
Brett Favre will be inducted into the NFL's Hall of Fame. It's his reward for not un-retiring again.
Here's hoping they spell his name right on the plaque.
(sing to the tune of the Nationwide Insurance commercial) "I just won a Super Bowl"
Mars, Inc. says it will phase out artificial colors form all its candy. That'll make them healthy, right?
A poll says the New England Patriots is the least favorite football team in the NFL. Ironically, the numbers may have actually been deflated.
McDonald's kale salad reportedly has more calories than a Big Mac. OK, fine -- now I want one!
A study says the average American will spend 43 days of their life on hold. I tell you the punchline in one minute, please hold (cut to on-hold music)
An Italian man is suing his wife for not cleaning and cooking enough. Hey girls -- he might available soon!
We're now in the Chinese Year of the Monkey. Insert your presidential election joke here.
Khloe Kardashian has confirmed her break up with NBA star James Harden. Who could have seen that coming? If we're actually counting, it might be way quicker to ask for those who couldn't.
I don't get it -- just because you're in a porn movie makes you a 'porn star'?
Jane Lynch's series, "Angel from Hell" has been canceled by CBS. There is no 'Glee' in Janeville.
"Angel from Hell" was canceled. "Lucifer" is struggling in the ratings. We really don't like shows featuring the devil. We prefer that topic to stay where it belongs---in politics.
North Korea has executed its Army Chief of Staff. Or, as they refer to it, "there was a surprise going away party."
In North Korea, if you're fired and beaten senselessly, it's because they like you.
A study says that 61% of Americans gain extra weight while on vacation. Of course, this would be the one way I'm not a procrastinator.
This year's Oscars gift bag will contain a record $232,000 worth of swag... and, of course, only comes in white.
A group is pushing IBM supercomputer Watson to run for President. My guess it would choose the Amazon Echo as its running mate, just so there would be a little fun on the ticket.
"Frozen" will be heading to Broadway in 2018, ignoring their own advice: "Let it go, let it go... "
The full title of the show will be "Frozen -- the musical! Because mommy and daddy didn't spend enough just buying a movie ticket."
Kanye West has declared Bill Cosby "innocent." Of course, this is the same guy who called Cam Newton, "modest."
You know, I was having a Scotch on the rocks and I thought, "You know, I really should give that up for Lent.," So, for the next 38 days---no ice!
A study says that running boosts a person's brain power. You wouldn't know that by the candidates running for president.
Khloe Kardashian has signed up on dating service OkCupid after splitting with her boyfriend. I believe it's in their "High Miles" section.
Former "American Idol" winner Kelly Clarkson is going to write a children's book about her daughter River Rose. Simon Cowell already has his own children's book out. It's titled, "Your child isn't as talented as you think they are."
Cam Newton admits he's a sore loser and that a good loser "is just a loser." That's not true, Cam. They're also good.
A study says that marijuana is much stronger now than it was in 1995. Then again, if you've been smoking it since then, you probably don't remember much about 1995 anyway.
TOP FIVE LOUSY EXCUSES FOR NOT GETTING A VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT
"7-11 was out of roses in a tube"
"I didn't want to pressure you into buying a gift for me"
"I'm waiting until the day after so I can get 50% off!"
"I didn't want to commercialize our day of love"
"I figured the second season premiere of The Walking Dead was enough"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU NEED TO FIND A NEW DOCTOR
His nickname: Dr. Malpractice
He asks you about one of his rashes
His nurse is wearing a tracking bracelet
He only takes un-marked bills
His office is inside Playland at McDonalds
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU MADE THE COFFEE TOO STRONG
It's hard to slice
It now qualifies to be called 'weaponized' coffee
It's starting to burn through your kryptonite coffee pot