This Week's WACKS
Our 1,045th Edition
"Remember, it's the little things that are hard to read"
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February 19th, 2016

A stranger has put up $1 Million to pay for college for an entire kindergarten class in California. This is an extremely easy case of "I never had stuff like that when I was a kid."

The Amazon terms of service gives a waiver in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse. It even includes free de-livering.

Chris Christie has dropped out of the presidential race and is now endorsing Papa Johns.

The part you'll hear me say: "The number one show." What you won't hear me say: "when considering what to give up for Lent."

Ted Cruz had to pull one of his TV commercials after it was revealed that one of the people in it was a soft-porn actress. So apparently he's hard on immigration, but soft on porn.

I'm still waiting for the first musician to go on a completely honest, "I need the money" tour.

Kanye West claims he is $53-million in personal debt. Wait -- is he saying that Kim "ain't nothin' but a gold digger?"

Iran has ruled "decadent" Valentine's Day celebrations a crime. They also have put out an A.P.D. for Cupid, describing him as "armed and amorous."

Yesterday was the day that we honored the true leaders of our country, during the annual Grammy Awards.

Nice of Amazon to send a drone to check on me. They got concerned when I hadn't ordered anything in over a week.

They're getting insanely cold temperatures in the northeast. At one point, the Statue of Liberty was wearing Uggs and holding up a Presto log.

Kanye West keeps saying he's a genius and is $53-million in debt. The fact that I'm $53-million better off than him must mean I'm a super-genius.

Hey, Mark Zuckerberg, if you are seriously entertaining such offers, you can have all my creative ideas for just $20-million... and for an extra $10-million, I'll quit writing jokes!

C'mon, CBS -- sound issues during the Super Bowl halftime show. Sound issues at the Grammy's. Audio engineers, keep your eyes on the "Career Opportunities" section of the CBS webpage...

Gwen Stefani says her new song, "Make Me Like You", is about Blake Shelton. Was there any doubt? Or should I saw, no doubt?

New England Patriots linebacker Jerod Mayo says he's retiring. Yep, Mayo is done being sandwiched.

Kanye West is calling himself "this generation's Disney." May I suggest, if he ever does a reality show, they call it "Keeping up with Goofy."

During a recent rally in Louisiana, Donald Trump actually autographed someone's baby. So much for bath time...

An Islamic exorcist claims that beautiful women are more likely to be possessed by evil spirits. What I didn't say out loud was, "In other words, you're safe."

Senator Ted Cruz was endorsed by the father of Bristol Palin's latest child. He's also the president of "Out of Wedlock Dads for Cruz."

I would just like to thank Kanye West for making me what I am today, although I don't remember him doing it.

The Department of Defense says it's upgrading 4-million of their computers to Windows 10. North Korea reacted with this odd statement: "Best idea ever!"

The Bachelorette's Kaitlyn and Shawn are moving in together. It'll be just the three of them -- Kaitlyn, Shawn and the camera guy.

You know, I almost joined a hate group once, but I didn't like any of the members.

A company in India is introducing a $4 Smartphone. At that price, if you drop it, you might be tempted to not even pick it up.

Some prostitutes at a Nevada brothel have launched a campaign for Hillary Clinton called "Hookers for Hillary."  No affiliation to the old group, "Bimbo's for Bill."

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was given a pay cut of $1-million to $34-million for last year. Probably in response to challenge Lord Brady.

The man accused of stalking Gwyneth Paltrow by sending her letters was acquitted.  That bodes well for my case.

Yesterday was National Drink Wine Day.  That was the last thing I rememberů.

National Drink Wine Day.  My second favorite holiday besides International Keep Breathing Day.

Adele said that she pretty much cried all day after her Grammy performance.  So, it was her own personal April 15th.

According to the latest polls, 100% of us wish the presidential election was already over.

TOP WORST CANDY HEARTS YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN ON VALENTINE'S DAY

  1.     "Guess what you have now"
  2.     "You wish"
  3.     "I'm busy"
  4.     "Is that a scab?"
  5.     "Not tonight"

TOP FIVE THINGS POPE FRANCIS MIGHT HAVE SAID WHILE LEAVING MEXICO

  1.     "Get out of my way -- where's the restroom!"
  2.     "Did you get my frequent flyer number?"
  3.     "See you all in America!"
  4.     "I'll be back."
  5.     "Adios, muchachos"

Laugh a little, would ya?         
       
   Tim

PS--When I say, "Less Talk More Monkey", who do you think of?  The answer in our Facebook Post of the Week!
PSPS---About that dream you keep having. This week's blog
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PS6--NEW A chat with the President in this week's podcast