This Week's WACKS
Our 1,047th Edition
"Every time I hear my chair creak, I seriously wonder if it's really me"
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March 4th, 2016
Vienna was picked as the best city on the planet to live in. That's great to know, but it would be a hell of a commute for me.
Nike founder Phil Knight has given $400-million to Stanford. At first, he wasn't sure, then he thought to himself, "Aw, just do it."
My guess is that it's for research on the effects of a football team taking a dive during the Oregon game.
The lead singer of the Irish band The Cranberries has been fined $6,600 over an air rage incident on a flight from New York to Ireland. Irish people can be sensitive, especially if you're always after their Lucky Charms.
After dropping out of the race for president, Jeb Bush made a short phone call to thank his supporters. Both were very excited.
Chris Christie has endorsed Donald Trump. He made the announcement on Friday during second lunch.
Trump now wants to get as many redundant endorsements as possible, including Ritchie Rich, Duran Duran and Yogi Bear's friend, Boo-Boo.
Facebook is a great place to express my political views and convince them I'm right...said no one, ever.
A new study says that marijuana use early in life may alter the brain. In a related story, a new study says that marijuana use early in life may alter the brain.
A British man has legally changed his name to "Bacon Double Cheeseburger." Have it your way!
San Francisco school officials have voted to give condoms to middle school children. Needless to say, they didn't have things like that when I was a kid... well, they did, we just had to buy them ourselves. (see Summer of '42)
"Old Yeller" was named the all-time favorite family movie by the American Humane Association. Obviously, they've never seen it all the way through...
A toy company has made an action figure of 74-year-old presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. It's for kids who don't like a lot of action.
Here's hoping that you have a Super Tuesday because, well, you have to.
Super Tuesday? I'll take the soup.
A company in Boston built a 5 foot 9 robot that can open doors, and can actually get back up if it's punched. It was programmed that way, just in case it ever ran into Donald Trump.
Beverly Hills Cop actor Gil Hill has died at age 84. Do you want to get him and George Kennedy in that "In Memoriam" thing for the Oscars NOW, so we don't forget by next year?
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas asked a question in a case the other day -- the first time he's asked a question on the bench in ten years! Talk about someone who'd make a lousy contestant on Jeopardy!
This week included "Super Tuesday" and "Well, I guess I'm out Wednesday."
NASA astronaut Scott Kelly returned to earth this week after nearly a year in space. That same day, he was slightly injured in a junk mail avalanche at his home... but other than that, he's doing great.
Sports Authority has filed a Chapter 11 bankruptcy. So now, they'll be experts on two things.
Wesley A. Clark, the man credited for designing the first PC has... well, let's just say his motherboard stopped working. He was 88.
A study says the first animal on the Earth was the sea sponge. However, scientists were unable to pinpoint exactly when they started wearing square pants.
Former NBA player Charles Barkley says the current level of play in the NBA is "awful." He's trying to avoid saying "turrible."
From my friend Ludie: Things to say when you're caught sleeping at work -- 1) They told me at the blood bank that this might happen or 2) I wasn't sleeping. I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
They say that Jared Fogle has already gained 30-pounds in prison. From here, you're on your own.
Researchers say that 25 states now have lice that are immune to common treatments. Yes, they're Super-Lice. If it was me, I'd start asking questions at Marvel.
Or at the least, I'd like to know where they all got those tiny capes.
NASA is currently recruiting people for their rest studies program in which participants will be paid $18,000 to spend 70 days in bed and smoke different types of marijuana. You know, I've always thought about that as a possible second career.
Forbes says there are 1,810 billionaires in the world. You'd think the odds would be pretty good that I would be related to at least one.
Documents concerning Osama bin Laden show that he had a handwritten will leaving his $29 Million fortune to "jihad." Relatives had hoped they might see a little bit of it, but the will blew up their plans.
Astronaut Scott Kelly, who spent 340 consecutive days in space, returned to the U.S. late Wednesday. Ironically, his luggage went on to Mars.
Warren Buffett says that distracted driving will cost drivers higher insurance rates in 2016. I read that while driving to work the other day….
U.S. soccer icon Brandi Chastain is donating her brain for concussion research. Not now…..later…..
A lot of people were surprised at the announcement of the Foo Fighters breaking up. It's not like they were the Foo Buddies.
TOP FIVE IMMEDIATE CHANGES IF A DOG WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT
- Come up with a new name for The First Bitch
- Our biggest problem that needs immediate attention is... oh, look! Squirrel!
- First to say "His bark is worse than his bite" is out
- Renovate the oval office, since there's no corner to pee in
- Build a giant wall to keep out the cats
TOP FIVE HINTS YOUR FAVORITE CANDIDATE'S CAMPAIGN IS RUNNING OUT OF STEAM
- Vacation plans are set... for next week
- Supporters are chanting, "Our Guys Sucks"
- His last rally with more than 3 people was on Skype
- He actually has a "Concession speech" template
- Most donations are now in change... and out of pity.
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPSPS --Check out this week's new 'toon and archives full of Ima Norwegian!
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PS6--NEW A psychic, a disease & a zucchini are all part of this week's podcast