Caitlyn Jenner says she'd like to be President Ted Cruz's ambassador to the transgender community. She tells her story on the new FOX NEWS program, "Yeah, like that's gonna happen."
Pot smokers have organized a protest at the White House for marijuana reform. According to a spokesperson, "We're going to rally at the White House on February 29th. Oh, wait, that was last week. Oh, wow, man."
Ironically, it didn't take a brain surgeon to see that Ben Carson would never be elected president.
A New Jersey hospital is seeking help to find the identity of a patient who appears to be in his early 60s who was found wandering around Jersey City. I read stories like that and the first thing that goes through my head -- I wonder if that's me?
I'm now at the age where I can't believe I'm this age.
A new study says that that Americans waste 31% of our food. You wouldn't know it by looking at us.
I was keeping up with the Kardashians for a while, but I believe I've passed them.
Cleveland police are already stocking up on riot gear in preparation for this summer's Republican National Convention -- and that's just for the candidates!
It's here! Peeple, a Yelp-style app that lets you rate people just like you would a business on Yelp. Great. My self-esteem has already signed up for therapy.
Former New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg announced yesterday that's no longer interesting in running. Ha---I made that announcement years ago.
Spotify released a birthing playlist with songs to help women in labor. The tough part was finding songs with the titles, "Focal point, my ass!," "Give me drugs" and "You did this to me!"
Trump says if he's elected, a giant wall will be built on the Mexican border and Mexico will pay for it. If he is elected, Canada will be saying the same thing to us.
Mama June has been released from the hospital, after collapsing last week at her home. She should recover, but we're not sure the home will survive.
When did we turn the corner and make “bracketologist” a legitimate word?
UCLA is offering a course for freshmen to see what it is like to become old. I’ve been teaching that course for years….
The soft porn actress who appeared in a commercial for Ted Cruz has come out in support of Donald Trump. However, I don’t think the issue of her loyalty was ever in doubt.
In the last Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton said that several times a day, she speaks to God. He’s apparently upset about the whole Trump thing, too.
Colin Powell says that Republican candidates are playing "junior high school tricks on one another." He also announced he plans to endorse Marco Rubio once they can get him out of his locker.
Last weekend, Beyoncé performed at a fundraiser for her daughter’s preschool. As a thank you, the kids will now learn their Jay-Z-C’s.
The NYPD has announced they'll no longer arrest people for petty crimes like littering, public drinking, and urination. Well, now I know what I’m doing on my vacation….
So apparently Pink isn't speaking to Miley Cyrus anymore over the posting of a picture of Jodie Sweeting saying bad things about Amber Rose who was criticizing Bette Midler's comments about Kim Kardashian's photo and who forgot what we were even talking about. Amen.
A study says that birds use a system of grammar just like humans. And just like us, there’s always one bird who chirps “their” instead of “there.”
A study says that too many carbs can be bad for people’s lungs. Especially if you’re eating so fast that they end up there instead of your stomach.
A study says that chocolate is good for the memory and other cognitive skills…which works out, because then you’ll always remember where your stash is located.
Attorney General Loretta Lynch has asked to not be considered as a nominee to the Supreme Court…to which the Republicans responded, “Uh, yeah, sure, OK…we’ll get right on that.”
Donald Trump said he’s "not happy" about being compared to Hitler. Hey, imagine how Hitler would feel!
Kanye West was in Sweden this week, visiting the headquarters of IKEA. What some people won’t do to use up all the parts that came with a coffee table.
I’m waiting for the presidential candidate who says that they only smoked pot twice. “Once from 1973-2001 and another time from 2002 to last week.”
Chumlee from “Pawn Stars” was arrested on felony weapon and drug charges. Don’t care. Chumlee from “Tennesee Tuxedo” arrested on those charges, now that’s news!
“Wisdom, courage and inspiration and I forgot where I was going with this quote.” -- Me
TOP FIVE SUBTLE HINTS YOU MIGHT BE WEARING TOO MUCH PERFUME
- The city dump called in a complaint about you
- Co-workers have requested a "Bring your pet skunk to work day"
- Third time the haz-mat team has shown up this week
- People prefer to talk to you through glass
- As you walk along the beach, seagulls are dropping behind you
TOP FIVE POSSIBLE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGANS FOR DONALD TRUMP
- "You Cruz, You Lose"
- "Marco! No go!"
- "Who wants the DT's?
- "I wonder what this button does?"
- "Elect Megyn Kelly's Worst Nightmare"