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Our 1,053rd Edition
April 15th, 2016

"When you go out & reach for the stars, you realize how short your arms are."
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Time again for my annual Spring Break. This year, I'm hoping it's only a sprain.

The average commuter switches radio stations 22 times during their time behind the wheel. So, we'd like to say, "Welcome back!" and for the record, yes, we DO talk about you when you leave.

They say that excessive swearing is a sign of intelligence. Well, that's just dog-gone shuckins great.

Pope Francis released a document Friday that encourages the church to relax its stance on divorce. I believe his words were, "If they might elect Trump, then she must dump the chump."

Bruce Springsteen canceled his concert in North Carolina this weekend because of their recently passed "bathroom law." I guess he showed him who's....well, you know...

Mysterious quakes have been rattling areas of North Carolina recently. Apparently, with the new Religious Freedom Law, the Quakers are expressing themselves more.

A Dutch study says that wearing earplugs at concerts can prevent hearing loss. Oh, I'm sorry... that should be a lunch buddy.

Guns N' Roses frontman Axl Rose broke his foot during the first performance on the group's reunion tour. Don't be surprised if the tour is sponsored by Calcium.

Thanks to Ernie Els, I'm not afraid to go out and give golf a try again this year.

Bernie Sanders said that he went to Boy Scout camp in New York. Many were surprised to hear that, especially the part about the Boy Scouts being around when he was a boy.

I just thought of a rap name. I don't think anyone's using it: Shysta. Could be the first rapping lawyer.

I'm reminded of the words of Marcel Marceau...

We found out this week that Paul Ryan insists he's not running for president. That much we know. We don't know the address where to send the Thank You cards.

The NCAA has put a 3-year halt on any new college football bowl games. Now I’m going to have to figure out what to do those extra 4 hours during the holiday season.
President Obama announced that he is for fewer secrets in the government and that he’s currently using Preparation H.  OK, we’re going to need to find a balance here…..
So, in Colorado, they figured out a way to prevent Donald Trump from winning the election—don’t let people vote!  Russia’s Vladimir Putin responded by saying, “Well, duh!”
Hotel and casino tycoon Steve Wynn said, “Rich people only like being around rich people. Nobody likes being around poor people, especially poor people.”  I think Donald Trump has found his new speechwriter.
A car owned by Hillary Clinton is up for sale. It has low miles, because, like Hillary, it’s only run in 2012 and 2016.
A 104-year-old man just became the oldest person in the world to get a first tattoo. It was simple message on his arm that says, “If found, take me back to the Walworth Home.”
Two of Donald Trump's children will not be able to vote at New York's primary because they failed to register before the deadline. By the way, Trump has fired them.

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: Back when I was married, I’d read somewhere that it’s considered good manners to drink tea with your pinky sticking out. So naturally, I did that when the ladies from the church came to visit us. My wife, however, was furious. Apparently, the “pinky” is a finger.

Disney star Debbie Ryan picked up a DUI arrest earlier this month.  “When you swish up on a bar…..”
Wednesday was Thomas Jefferson’s birthday—a great American. Not great enough that we get a holiday off because of him, but a great American.
Hoarding is said to be getting worse in the U.S. and affects over 15 million Americans. No really, it’s true!  I found the story in one of the stacks of magazines in my garage.  Right next to my pickle jar collection.
Wednesday night, Kobe Bryant’s final game in the N.B.A. came to pass. That, by the way, was the first time the word “pass” was ever used in reference to Kobe Bryant.
Russian President Vladimir Putin held his annual public question and answer marathon yesterday, where citizens were invited to ask him questions about anything.  Then, those who weren’t executed were then allowed to ask their question.
CareerCast just published its Worst Jobs of 2016 list and, at the top of the list: newspaper reporter.  Needless to say, the Bedpan Cleaners Union is pretty ticked off.

  1. One of his first comments to you was, "Oh, you should see a doctor for that!"
  2. Works out of a Jiffy Lube
  3. Medical Diploma is from the medical school at the University of Atlantis
  4. His equipment looks like it was made by Playschool
  5. When you came in for a cold, he had to look that up
  1. He prefers to play everything in the key of H
  2. Says he not only knows Flea, but also the dog he rode in on
  3. Has a "Wanted for Music Fraud" bumper sticker on his car
  4. Showed up with a tuba
  5. Initially tried to play the side without the strings
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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