They say once you go WACK, you never go back

Our 1,055th Edition
April 29th, 2016
"No punchlines were injured in the making of these jokes."
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After two years of ties, the National Spelling Bee made this year’s words longer and harder. You hear that, soccer—ties are not a satisfying result!
 
Harriet Tubman has been picked to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill.  Now, to save up enough so that I can actually have a $20 bill.
 
Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager says the presidential election will be “about trust.” At least, that’s what she said in one of the recently released emails…..
 
They say the Secret Service is running low on agents.  Shouldn’t they have tried to keep that a secret?
 
The creator of malware that drained people’s bank accounts was sentenced to nine years in federal prison. I believe the charge was “impersonating the I.R.S.”.
 
A study says that Los Angeles has the worst smog in the U.S.. And they needed a study for that?
 
Major League Baseball is now requiring every team to have a Spanish language translator.  Because, after all, sometimes you really want the umpire to understand what you’re yelling at him.
 
Yes, I heard they had a Donald Trump rally the other day and a hockey game broke out. Why do you ask?
 
The folks who run the National Spelling Bee say they’re done with ties and plan to make words from now on longer and more difficult. I find the whole thing reprehensiblelistic.
 
A Brooklyn man set a Guinness record by watching television for 94 hours straight. I wonder what the record is for gay?
 
So they're calling it "repatriating your money" instead of "paying taxes." Nice spin.
 
That woman who appeared on The Maury Show -- you know, the one that looks like Ted Cruz in drag -- has been offered $10,000 to do a porn movie and she has accepted the offer. So when exactly did the planet spin off its axis?
 
There's now a waiting list for the new London restaurant where you can have dinner in the nude. I've been doing that for years. Just ask the Domino's delivery guy.
 
A Minnesota auto repair shop was reportedly caught giving its workers bonus payments in meth. I believe it was at a place called 60-Second Tune.
 
A study says that living near nature is linked to longer lives. Giving out an occasional Tarzan yell from the couch doesn't count.
 
Now there's a company that is making chairs from the engines of 737s. Ironically, they don't come with much leg room, either.
 
Prince's family has requested that you refer to him as "the artist formerly known as breathing." Too soon?
 
So, Harriet Tubman is going to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. Well, when you think about it, it's not the first Jackson to become a woman.
 
The dating website beautifulpeople.com, that only allows good-looking people to belong, has been hacked and details about its clients are leaking out. Ironically, it could get ugly.
 
There are five names said being considered for the Lakers head coaching job. If they can find a coach with five names, search over!
 
It's kind of weird to think that haters like to hate. I mean, if they hated everything, that would include hating and they would cancel each other out.
 
A new survey says that 1 out of every 4 of us would be interested in dating a robot. So many lines--"Things were going great until there was a little electricity between us." "She broke up--you mean, you guys broke up--no, SHE broke up." "Not tonight, I have a disk error."
 
Johnny Manziel has now been in the news enough, he's become an honorary Kardashian.
 
Prince's sister says that the singer didn't have a will. I'm sorry, I meant to say, Prince's sister says that cousin Prince didn't have a will.
 
Is it OK if I personally identify with being a disenchanted voter?
 
The bad news: Johnny Manziel has been indicted for assaulting his former girlfriend. The good news: it's looking like the Dallas County Jail football team could be going to the playoffs this year!
 
Kelly Ripa returned to "Live" on Tuesday. Michael Strahan was the first to give her a big hug once she passed through the metal detector.
 
From my friend Dwight Perry: Destined to be a best-selling T-shirt in 31 of 32 NFL markets: "Make America inflate again."
 
Intel has announced they're cutting 12,000 jobs nationwide. In a related story, they're changing their slogan to "Intel Outside."
 
An Idaho family saw the birth of its first girl in 101 years. The baby is expected to set a world record by never wearing a single piece of hand-me-down clothing.
 
The CDC says that most Americans drink the recommended amount of water each day. If they're including water mixed with barley and hops then, well, yay, me!
 
Engineering students at BYU say they have created Artificial Intelligence that can beat some human players at Foosball. But we can still beat the machines if the future of the free world depends on beer pong!!
 
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR DONALD TRUMP FAN NEIGHBOR HAS A HEAD INJURY

1. He wants to make America grape again
2. Said he thinks Ewoks will make a great first lady
3. He keeps saying, "The Hands make the Mans"
4. He didn't go to a Ted Talk because he thought they said Ted Cruz
5. He loves the idea of having Mexico pay to build a well

 
TOP FIVE HINTS THE TATTOO ARTIST MADE A MAJOR MISTAKE ON YOUR NEW BACK TATTOO

1. It's been three hours since he went outside for a little fresh air
2. "When will they finally make an eraser? When??"
3. "Do you mind if I change the butterfly to something larger?"
4. "I didn't mean oops, I meant "Ooh... perfects.."
5. "I'm going to put a Bandaid on this. Don't take it off until I'm out of the country."

 Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!