Soccer star Abby Wambach has been hired by ESPN. My guess is, NOT as a driver.
Scientists can now explain why asparagus makes urine smell funny. Ok, now will you get back to work on curing that cancer thing?
KFC in Hong Kong is offering fried-chicken- flavored nail polish. It comes in original, hot and spicy and extra sheen.
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have been in Cuba. How refreshing it must be to experience a country that, when they hear the name Kardashian, says, "Who?"
Denmark says it may start taxing beef to fight climate change. The measure has 100% support among cows.
The most popular boys' name in 2015 was Noah. Is there something you people aren't telling me?
The next "Sharknado" movie will air in July, as foretold in Revelations.
Kate Middleton says that her children have a pet hamster named Marvin. For those of you keeping score at home, I believe he's 16th in line to the throne.
I'd put together an earthquake kit but the idea of having that many bottles of expensive Scotch just sitting around bothers me.
The bison has been declared the official mammal of the United States. I don't know what makes them so great, but I do know that seldom is heard a discouraging word.
Abercrombie & Fitch says it will add stores in the Middle East. Which will women in that part of the world to buy Western fashions and then take them to another part of the world to wear them.
A report says that two of five Americans admit they worry every day. And I haven't been sleeping at night because I was afraid it was more.
In India, a 72-year-old woman used an in-vitro procedure to have a baby. I know what you're thinking -- where were the parents?
Justin Bieber says he's done taking photos with fans. Needless to say, both of them are very upset.
Sharon Osbourne has confirmed that she and Ozzy have split up. Hey, ladies with incredibly bad judgment: he's available!
A 30-year-old Siamese has been named the World's Oldest Cat. Needless to say, the cat is completely indifferent.
A Mexican judge ruled that El Chapo can be extradited to the U.S.. We were going to ask the judge for a comment, but nobody can find him.
North Korea's ruling political party announced today that they will be giving leader Kim Jong Un a new title. May I suggest Prime Nutjob?
A Facebook official says the company has found no evidence to back up allegations that Facebook contractors suppressed stories of interest to conservatives in its "Trending" section. The official added, "Just more wild speculation from those stupid Republicans."
The severed head of a Great White Shark was found on a Newport Beach dock last Saturday. Who do I suspect? The Codfather.
A sleep expert says taking a 15-minute nap in the afternoon to function at top capacity. At least, that’s what I tell my boss when he catches me.
Budweiser is changing the name of its beer to “America” through election day. It was between that and “I can’t believe we have to choose between these two” beer.
Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne say that divorce is not on the table. And when you think about it, God knows what Ozzy did on that table.
A survey says that 59% of parents say their teens are addicted to mobile devices. I’m surprised its that low, too.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU HAVE TOO MUCH CONFIDENCE
- You had to hire a modesty coach
- There's that guy you hired to carry the "No Autographs" sign in front of you
- Someone says, "Thank God," your first reaction is to say, "You're welcome"
- You never ask if you look good. You always ask, "Do I look better now?"
- You don't believe in mirrors
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS GONE VEGAN
- Still catching mice... but is doing catch and release.
- Has joined the local birdwatchers club
- Insists on a meat-free, dairy-free, gluten-free scratch post
- Finds the Sylvester and Tweety cartoons offensive
- Turns his nose up at catnip, but not tofu-nip
Laugh a little, would ya?