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Our 1,059th Edition
May 27th, 2016

"Any reproduction without the expressed consent of Major League Baseball is totally understood"
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A British software company has come out with the Pavlock -- a wristband that will give you an electrical shock if you spend too much. Every member of congress should have one of these.

Amber Heard has filed for divorce from Johnny Depp? Who could have seen that coming? OK, to make this quicker, who didn't?

Filming for the new "50 Shades of Grey" movie in Seattle caused some traffic backups this week. In the words of one commuter, "It was punishing."

Officials had warned drivers that it could get rough and that the safe word was "banana."

A survey says that Washington, D.C. is the fittest city in the nation. Well, sure, if you count 'running for office' exercise.

A fortune teller in Virginia has pleaded guilty to stealing more than $1-million from clients in order to "lift their curse." Hey, one person's curse is another's jail sentence.

A study says that being overbooked is good for the brain. I plan to think about that later today between 10:16 and 10:21.

Tiger pitcher Justin Verlander notched his 2,000th career strikeout. Although, as a serious sports fan, I have to say being engaged to Kate Upton tops that.

A poll says the majority of Americans have no will. If that includes you, I just want you to know that I consider you a distant relative.

A new study says the average person can only relax 36 minutes a day. I try to do as much of that at work as possible.

Former Mexico President Vicente Fox says he will have lunch with Donald Trump if he apologizes for past offensive statements. Of course Trump replied, "You'll have to be more specific."

Citibank has launched a voice biometric authentication system for identity verification. This could bring back impressionists!

Bayer is looking at buying Monsanta, which could lead to the first genetically-modified headache!

I just consider my life a reality show without cameras.

I didn't hear very many good reviews about Madonna's salute to Prince at the Billboard Awards Sunday night. In fact, after that performance, several people told me they no longer miss the singer.

Season 33 of "Survivor" will be called "Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen-X." Imagine how full those inboxes are going to be after 39 days...

I've decided to become a minimalist. But not in a big way.

The T.S.A. has fired their head of security. Adding insult to injury, they made him wait in a line four hours to get his things.

At one restaurant in Singapore, you'll sit down, a robot will walk up to you and you'll order what you want by tapping the computer screen on his chest. If you're a lousy tipper, be sure you pick the robot without the laser eyes.

I'm not very political and I'm a Diet Coke drinker, but if Trump is elected, I'm moving to Canada Dry.

Olympic swimming champ Michael Phelps says he is off his 12,000-calories-a-day diet that he used during training. Funny, I have the same diet when not training.

The Swiss are considering paying every adult in their country $2,500 to do nothing. I wonder if they let you work from home?

Americans used 1-trillion gigabytes of mobile data last year. Most of that, while driving or at a movie theater.

A Massachusetts man has been standing outside Gillette Stadium every day for a month hoping for a tryout with the New England Patriots. Not surprising, after not getting any response, he's feeling quite deflated.

I tried watching the finale of "Dancing with the Stars," but it's not very interesting when you don't care about any of the finalists. It felt like a presidential election.

It seems to me the government could save millions of dollars if, rather than have a witness protection program, they just make people that want to disappear and never be heard of again winners on The Voice. Just sayin'...

I admit, I thought about becoming an extremist. But I hate over-committing to anything.
The GM of the Buffalo Bills says that football is a violent game that he “doesn’t think humans are supposed to play.”  Translation—we could have won a Super Bowl if we really wanted to.
A study says only 1 in 6 drivers want fully autonomous vehicles.  Interestingly enough, that one person is usually sitting in the back seat.
A Canadian couple was married at an animal shelter in a wedding only attended by cats. Needless to say, most of the wedding gifts were caught with cheese.
“Inflation is when you pay $15 for the $10-haircut you used to get for $5 when you had hair.” --Sam Ewing


  1. Tackle Bingo
  2. Grenade Golf
  3. Piranha Water Polo
  4. Minefield Frisbee
  5. Bomb Bowling
  1. You hear a voice in your stomach yelling, "Hey! Got any meat up there?"
  2. You hear the phrase, "Let us pray" and you think they said, "Lettuce pray"
  3. The new license plate SALADETR was a bit much
  4. At night, you like cuddling with croutons
  5. In the morning, you've started dressing on the side
  1. "M and M and M and M and M and M's"
  2. "Skittle-brained"
  3. "Good 'n Plenty More Where That Came From"
  4. "The Three, no, Two, no, yeah, Three Musketeers"
  5. The "Oh, Wow, Mars" bar
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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