Seen on Facebook: "I just ate four cans of alphabet soup and then had a giant vowel movement."
A political science professor says that all of Donald Trump's speeches are given at a fifth-grade level or below. Immediately after saying that, he was stuffed into a locker.
Actor Charlie Sheen has announced he will be the official spokesman for a new Swedish brand of condoms. Obviously, the high mileage brand...
Michelle Collins is leaving "The View" shocking everyone except those of us who didn't even know she was on it.
Dustin Diamond, who played Screech in "Saved by the Bell" owes the state of Wisconsin over $90,000 in back taxes. At this point, the bell won't save him.
Bernie Sanders says he'll work with Hillary Clinton to make sure Donald Trump loses. Obviously, he was looking for a project that he didn't have to put a lot of work into...
Rock singer Meatloaf collapsed on stage last week. I'm fighting it, but the phrase "Paramedics by the dashboard light" keeps going through my head.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly broke his arm when he fell off his bicycle. Now don't you wish your radio had a Like button?
In a speech, Donald Trump compared himself to Wayne Newton, or, in the words of anyone under 40, "Wayne who?"
About as unenthusiastic as Luke Skywalker on Father's Day...
Not many people know that LeBron is actually French for The Bron. Just sayin'....
Donald Trump gave his first "You're fired" of the campaign, sending away his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Corey hopes to come back again in season 2.
Doesn't the title, "Finding Dory" give away the ending of the movie?
Oh, great. Now my guardian angel has put in for a transfer to someone more deserving.
The U.S. Senate paused for a moment to do what they always do following a mass shooting -- vote down whatever gun control legislation is brought up.
72 new emoji's came out yesterday, including bacon, pancakes and an egg. What's the old phrase, "If you can't eat, you might as well Tweet?"
Costco has stopped taking American Express and now only accepts VISA credit cards. Oh, good. Because I was having trouble keeping that balance up.
A group of activists are planning the world's largest "Fart-In" during Hillary Clinton's acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention. The organizer says it wasn't and was like pulling fingers.
Alex Rodriguez says that baseball will reclaim the title of being America's number one sport in the next 5-10 years. Funny, Lance Armstrong says the same thing about cycling.
Tuesday was National Selfie Day. I think it's great that we set aside an entire day to honor the fact that we set aside entire pictures for ourselves.
You know, I wouldn't mind mornings so much if they just made them later in the day.
When you think about it, this whole "Stairway to Heaven" trial seems silly. So, you're asking rockers in their 70s what they remember about something that happened 40+ years ago?
I sit here, wondering where this country would be today if our forefathers had identified as our foremothers.
Hillary Clinton supposedly has a short list for vice-presidential candidates. There are said to be three. My guesses? Daniel Radcliffe, Peter Dinklage and Kevin Hart.
Donald Trump has fired his controversial campaign manager Corey Lewandowski who had a reputation of being abrasive, rude and insulting. Wait a minute -- which guy were we talking about again?
A poll says that 25% of voters are undecided about the presidential election. I'll go even further -- I'm 100% not sure we should have one.
Just remember. Remember what? It doesn't matter. The remembering is the hard part.
Bernie Sanders has said that “It doesn’t appear as though I’ll be the nominee.” However, he is holding out hope that Golden State can still pull it out.
Oh, sure. Congress sits around, does nothing all day and they call it a “sit in”. I do that at work and they call me “lazy.”
I’m just waiting for the day that Sleep Number comes out with an adjustable football for Tom Brady.
Kelly Osbourne is reportedly set to release her first memoir in 2017. What could there possibly be about her that we don’t already know?
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU NEED TO TRIM THE HAIR IN YOUR EARS
- Someone just asked why you're wearing ear muffs
- A bird just tried to nest in one
- With the left one, you can now wear a pony tale
- Every morning after a shower, you need to blow dry your ears
- You hear the phrase, "What's that... oh, never mind" way too often
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S JUST TOO DARN HOT
- Snoop Dogg tested positive for water
- The early bird is picking up his worm with a pot holder
- Trees holding up signs that say "Dogs Wanted"
- Candles melt and they're not even lit
- Matches start to spontaneously combust
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, 
