PS--Don't forget about our friend,
In Canada, a government agency has sued a comedian $42,000 for telling an offensive joke. If I lived there, I wouldn't do what I do without mal-humor insurance.
U.S. Olympic swimmer Jimmy Feigen had to pay $11,000 to leave Brazil. On the positive side, think of all those frequent flyer miles he earned.
You know, when you think about it, this would be the absolute perfect time to rob Ryan Lochte.
We should Brian Williams interview Ryan Lochte. It could be a game show!
A blimp-shaped, helium-filled airship considered the world's largest aircraft flew for the first time last week in central England. What did it look like? A giant plumber bending over.
It was so hot yesterday, the Walking Dead sat down.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: Everyone was pretty stoked when we announced we were getting the band back together, but the next task was figuring out who had a garage big enough for the 76 of us to march in.
A report says IT accounts for 4.6-million U.S. jobs. So why is it I still can't get the printer to work?
A study says the "business diet" consisting of red meat, snacks and alcohol is bad for the heart. Gee, I wish they wouldn't surprise a guy like that...
So, Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte admits that he lied about the whole robbery ordeal... this, unfortunately, after Brian Williams said he saw the whole thing.
Speedo has withdrawn their sponsorship from Ryan Lochte because, as everyone knows, when it comes to Speedo, they don't lie.
Ryan Lochte is now saying that he was walking home from the Olympics & four guys dressed like sponsors robbed him of all his endorsements.
Uber says its first self-driving car fleet will arrive in Pittsburgh soon. Gee, I hope they don't have any problems with Steelers...
A man in India claiming to be 120 says the secret of his longevity is yoga and celibacy. I'm going to guess one more thing: lying.
Pennsylvania State Police have charged an Amish man with driving his horse and buggy while drunk with four passengers on the roof. He could face up to five years of hard time, which is what he was planning anyway.
Here's what I'm afraid is going to happen: an intelligent lifeform from outer space arrives on earth and asks one person to tell the world he's here in peace. That person is Ryan Lochte.
So far, four of Ryan Lochte's sponsors have said they're getting out of the pool.
Astronomers are said to be preparing to announce the discovery of a potentially habitable second Earth orbiting a nearby star. Nice to know we have a spare...
I like the phrase, "Out of office like you mean it!"
Olympic gold medalist Usain Bolt was supposedly caught cheating on his girlfriend down in Rio. This could explain how he got to be such a fast runner.
From Twitter: "Always be yourself, unless that username is already taken."
The Los Angeles city council has designated August 24th as Kobe Bryant Day in the city. (no to be confused with Never-Pass Over)
Or -- The city of Los Angeles has declared August 24th as Kobe Bryant Day in L.A.. Wouldn't it be ironic if Kobe, for once in his life, decided to pass?
Team USA won 121 at the Rio Olympics! 121 medals and only one torn-down poster, I think that's pretty good.
Well, finally some good news for Ryan Lochte. He may have lost 4 endorsements, but he's been named vacation replacement for Brian Williams.
A man in New Jersey who passed away on Tuesday was honored in the newspaper by two obituaries: one posted by his spouse and the other by his girlfriend. I'm guessing the wife is going to want a retraction.
All I can say is, it's a good thing the guy is dead.
A psychologist in a new book says that 4:00 AM is the most productive hour. If you call 'sleeping' as being productive, that's true!
Ryan Lochte is going to join the cast of "Dancing with the Stars" this season. Or, at least he says he is...
The U.S. National Women's Soccer team has suspended Hope Solo for comments she made about the Swedish team. They apparently told Solo she will be for six months.
Her father -- Han -- says the force is not with her.
The name of the new Mechanic movie is called, "Mechanic: Resurrection." Shouldn't it be "Mechanic: Overtime?"
TOP FIVE SIGNS SUMMER IS ALMOST OVER
- The Cubs are... wait! OMG, they're still in first place!
- I'm willing to kick in money if we can talk the teachers into going back early
- The neighbor girl who had the lemonade stand is carrying a Gucci bag
- The green slime is almost halfway across the wading pool
- It's starting to dark earlier during happy hour
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER HAD A ROUGH WEEKEND
- He asks "Is it Friday yet?" at 9:16
- There's... there's a gopher living in his hair
- When he arrived, vultures started circling over the office
- He's trying to hide it, but you can tell that's a full body cast under his suit
- He was dropped off at work today by an ambulance
Laugh a little, would ya?