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Our 1,076th Edition
September 23rd, 2016

"Guaranteed hilarious or double your funny back!"
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A "sex crazed" Galapagos tortoise is responsible for fathering 800 offspring and saving the species. They were going to throw a parade for him, but that would have taken 4 days...

I'm fairly certain that when they figure out the problems of the Galaxy Note 7 phones, Samsung will not have a Fire Sale.

Among the treats at this year's Texas State Fair: fried Jell-O and pulled pork-stuffed fried Funyuns. Just part of the fair's "Right to Die" menu.

A high school in Texas is set to build a football stadium for $70-million. Maybe the Washington Redskins can play there.

Like I've always said, "I don't want to live forever. Just long enough to be a burden to my children."

Monday, Krispy Kreme gave away free donuts in honor of "National Talk Like a Pirate Day." Probably for the better you didn't know either of them were happening...

Less than 50 days to go until the presidential election. It's like the dentist telling you, "We're about half-way done with this root canal!"

K-Mart announced they're going to close all 64 of their U.S. stores. If you were ever hoping to own a flashing blue light, your opportunity is coming up.

Did you realize that 23.7% of all random statistics are made up?

If FTD was smart, they'd start offering a "Basket of DeFloralbles."

North Korea's leader Kim Jong-un keeps testing out rocket launches. He might want to consider experimenting with a new haircut. Just sayin'...

It's the final two weeks of baseball's regular season, except in Atlanta, where Braves fans started putting up Halloween decorations in May.

I gotta admit -- I was trying to keep up with all the Happy Birthday wishes on Facebook and I got a serious case of Liker's cramp.

Funny. But I've had this burning desire to own a Galaxy Note 7.

An employee of the Royal Canadian Mint allegedly smuggled out about $180,000 in gold by putting it up his... uh, let's just say, if you handle any Canadian gold coins in the near future, be sure and wash your hands.

I'm waiting for the headline, "George H.W. Bush to Vote For Hillary. Rest of Bush Family Trying to Convince Him He Missed The Election."

First thing I thought of when I heard about the Brangelina breakup was, "Hey, girls! He's available!" Now Angelina's saying he already was, and that was the problem.

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: I just got my semi-annual checkup, and my doctor asked me if I'd been exposed to any livestock recently. I asked her, "Why? What lies have they been telling you?"

MIT researchers are using radio waves to detect if people are happy, sad or excited. We hope these radio waves are helping you with the happy part.
AAA says U.S. drivers wasted $2.1-billion last year because they bought premium gasoline. When asked for a comment, a Shell spokesman said, “Shhhhhh.”
Music streaming site Spotify and dating app Tinder are combining to connect users based on their musical tastes. In a way, it saddens me to think that my perfect Polka Princess could still be out there.
Comcast is going to launch a wireless phone service next year. That’s when they figure they will have used up all of their existing excuses for your bill constantly going up.
A study says people with alcohol dependence who want to quit get the best results with abstinence. Oh, wait. I thought it said “absinthe.” Never mind…..
A study says that drinking beer makes people happier, friendlier and sexier. The study was paid for by NAUP, the National Association of Ugly People.
Tim Tebow is insisting his attempt at baseball is “not a publicity stunt.”  Says so right in his press release.


  1. Has a white flag in the ready position on his desk
  2. Only one at the school who teaches wearing a helmet
  3. Apologizes for only giving A+'s
  4. Well, there's that chain link fence between his desk and the students
  5. He opens class with the statement, "I've got mace!"


  1. The return of the phrase, "I'll take of that right after this football game. Wait, I mean the game AFTER this one."
  2. Baseball scores moved to page 6 of the sports section
  3. The bright orange color of... oh, wait -- that's Donald Trump
  4. Several neighbors seen hiding their rakes
  5. Major League Baseball's new official slogan: "Hey, we're still playing!"
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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