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Our 1,077th Edition
September 30th, 2016

"This is why I promised to buy a drink on the 31st!"
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Kim Kardashian says she doesn't apologize for wearing those shear, sexy outfits in public. Kim, to be absolutely clear, we weren't asking for an apology.

Tonight's debate is going to carried on Twitter. I just wonder how they're going to limit each candidate to 140 characters.

New research found that pigeons can actually be taught to read. You can tell which ones are able to read -- they're the ones that follow the "Don't sit on the statue" signs.

We stopped playing Monopoly and switched over to Parcheesi and I thought to myself, "Game-changer!"

Whoopi Goldberg says she will "probably not" return to "The View" after this season. This comes as a great shock to those of us who didn't even know she was on the show... and didn't know there was a show called, "The View."

A report says climate change may threaten the world's coffee supply. OK, NOW this is getting serious.

The CDC says 12,000 Americans are infected each year for cat scratch disease. Ted Nugent says, "Told ya!"

Legendary golfer Arnold Palmer has died. He was 87, but he put down 84. Yeah, too soon...

Upon hearing of Arnold Palmer's passing, rappers Ice-T and Lemonade got together. They had to do it.

Disney is said to be considering a bid for Twitter. Wow, that would be... Supercalifragilisticexpiali....oops, out of characters.

The fact checkers have gone over Monday night's Clinton/Trump debate and if you toss out the erroneous facts, it was actually a 7-minute debate.

You know, my guidance counselor in high school never mentioned to me that becoming a fact-checker could be a full-time career.

What has happened in this country? There was a time that "a thousand points of light" was presidential. Now it's a thousand whoopee's of cushions.

A report says marijuana arrests in the U.S. have fallen to the lowest level since 1996. Legalizing it will do that.

Oh, come on: let's stir things up and hold a "Take Your Religion To Work Day!"

A doctor admits that, yes, he was able to help a couple conceive and have a child using the DNA of three people. Why? Because Thanksgiving isn't complicated enough.

For whatever reason, there has been a surge in Satanism and black magic in the U.S.. At least, according to my high priest... ...

Yesterday was National Margarita Day. Your family called and asked us not to mention it until today.

The Kardashians are said to be worried about their brother, Rob, following his breakup with Blac Chyna. At a press conference yesterday, Khloe said, "We are very, very con... oh, look! Cameras!"

A Chinese drone maker has introduced a drone that can be controlled with a smartphone, making it harder than ever to enjoy a movie.
Rob Kardashian tweeted Kylie Jenner’s cellphone number, making Thanksgiving this year at the Jenners even MORE awkward.
A man in Florida is in jail after he was spotted riding a manatee and dared cops to arrest him. He should at least get some time off for creativity.
A new study says men who have more sex are more likely to pray. The phrase, “If I don’t catch something, I’ll never do that again” comes to mind….
The folks at Samsung are remembering back to the good old days, when having the hottest new cell phone was a good thing.

  1. Two other candidates
  2. Dueling lie detectors
  3. Electro-shock device for going over time limit
  4. Entire debate conducted in a mud pit
  5. Fact check everything -- pies in the face for every lie


  1. Your furnace just went out
  2. The Chicago Bears have already gone into hibernation
  3. Hillary has already switched to wool pants suits
  4. That thing on Donald's head is getting thicker
  5. Ducks seen at airport buying plane tickets to Florida


  1. Goes great with sausages. Prevents taking hostages.
  2. Grind these beans, if you know what we means.
  3. Great for your wake-ups. Could prevent break-ups.
  4. If you don't end up wired, then we should be fired
  5. One thing it does is give you a buzz
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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