Paris Hilton just bought an $8,000 Chihuahua. The dog has requested that we not mention its name.
At one rally last week, Donald Trump told his supporters to go out and vote on November 28th. Hillary Clinton would also like his supporters to go out and vote on November 28th.
Vocabulary have always been my Kryptonite. Grammer as well, also. Don't get me started on speling.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: So, it looks like Donald Trump is staying in the race. Hey, Republicans, how does it feel to be forced to keep something full-term!
The Samsung Galaxy Note 7 has been banned from all U.S. commercial airline flights. Now, to work on the screaming babies and that guy who needs a bath.
From my pal, Skip Tucker: Ever have the feeling that the "check engine" light is on in your life but you just keep hoping it'll go away on its own?
According to one of those deleted emails, Hillary met with rapper Q-Tip last year to discuss how to appeal to hip-hop fans. Among the things ruled out: Changing the spelling of her name to Hill R.E., a naked cameo in Kanye's next video and opening all of her speeches with "Yo, yo, s'up"!
Some people are deciding who to vote for using a coin toss. Then, it's just a matter of deciding "Heads... or Tail-grabber."
The final presidential debate took place Wednesday night in Las Vegas, which is appropriate. If this isn't the biggest game of craps, I don't know what is...
New data from the Hubble Space Telescope shows that the universe has two trillion galaxies, 10 times more than previously thought. Insert your Samsung joke here.
Target has removed clown masks from their Halloween items, because of the recent rash of scary clown sightings. That ought to stop any potential scary clown people who are not aware Amazon exists.
Billy Bush has been fired from Today. But remember, there's always tomorrow.
For the record -- there really are Pumpkin Spice Latte Peeps, as foretold in Revelations.
Election officials are denouncing Donald Trump's claim that the presidential election is fixed. They say he should just congratulate her and get it over with.
I keep hearing Donald Trump talking about the corruption at the polls. The first thing that pops into my mind is always, "If you're having problems with your election, see a doctor."
Khloe Kardashian has launched a new line of denim clothes, called Good American. Thank God that national crisis has been averted.
I wonder how Halloween feels this year. It's supposed to be the scariest day of the year, but it's so close to Election Day.
From now on, all Tesla cars manufactured will include the self-driving hardware. Now, to work on a version of that for our country.
Experts say a stressful job can be good for a person’s health. I’m suspecting that those experts were hired by my boss.
Yesterday was National Anti-Bullying Day. I made several people observe it.
After 31 years, Snoopy has been fired by Met Life as their spokesperson. Uh, spokesbeagle. Blockheads.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR IS A WITCH
- Only one in the neighborhood with a 3-broom garage
- Keeps asking you to come over for a spell
- Just came over and asked to borrow a cup of Eye of Newt
- Second favorite catch phrase: "And your little dog, too!"
- Favorite catch phrase: "I'll get you, my pretty."
TOP FIVE THINGS THAT DISAPPOINTED US ABOUT WEDNESDAY'S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
- That what happened in Vegas won't stay in Vegas
- That our TV didn't just come out and say, "Look. I don't want to have anything to do with this!"
- That Trump used the word 'disaster' less than 50 times
- Frankly, we thought it would go lower
- That it wasn't moderated by Elvis