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Our 1,087th Edition
December 9th, 2016

Only you can prevent mistletoe fungus
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A report says the lack of sleep costs Americans $411-billion a year in productivity. The things you read when you're wide awake at 2am!

A leap second will be added on December 31st to align clocks more accurately with the Earth's rotation. What will you do with your extra... oh, sorry. You use used it listening to that partial question.

In Japan, Domino's is doing a promotion where your pizza is delivered to your door using reindeer. When asked for a comment, Santa replied, "Well, I don't really have time for this right now, but the tips are nice!"

Howard Schultz is stepping down as the CEO of Starbucks. He complained that the coffee at work was just getting too expensive.

Is it lazy of me to offer to water the artificial tree?

The 12 Days of Christmas are scheduled to begin next week, but Jill Stein is asking for a recount.

Yeah, I watched the Victoria's Secret fashion show. Then I watched a cooking show that was all about the foods I can't eat. I'm that kind of person.

A new study says you should eat nuts to live longer. Then again, I've outlived every squirrel on my block.

OK, in regards to full disclosure -- I once got a wrong number call from Taiwan and I accepted it.

A new study says that America's math scores are getting worse. They say that 9 out of every 7 kids has a math problem.

Christmas trees in one New York City lot are going for as much as $1,000. If you think of it as a penny a needle, that's not bad!

I think this will be our "Get a Tree" weekend. I have my eyes on one in particular. I just have to wait for the neighbors to leave...

A study says eating nuts every day can make for a longer life. Being nuts will make it seem like a longer life.

United Airlines is going to start selling economy flight tickets that don't include access to the overhead compartment. Can restroom tickets be far behind?

Seen on Facebook: If you're upset about a non-white Santa Claus, I've got some very bad news for you about Jesus.

Cereal maker General Mills says it will cut up to 600 jobs. Boy, if that doesn't frost my flakes. Oh, wait -- that's Kellogg's.

The University of Oregon has hired Willie Taggart from the University of South Florida as their next football coach. He's hoping to make Oregon quack again.

Donald Trump was named Time Magazine's "Person of the Year." The year was 1952.

Starbucks says they're going to increase their locations by 50%. I mean, really, you can never find one when you need one. You usually find three.

Western Digital is coming out with a 14-terabyte hard drive next year. It was created by a nerd whose former girlfriend said she needed more space.

The way to feel successful is to find something you've done this year, then tell everyone it was a goal of yours two years. For example, this week, I remembered to bring in my cloth bags at the grocery store.

And though it's been said, many times, many ways: Thank GOD it's Friday!

Jonathan Goldsmith, who you knew as the Dos Equis "Most interesting man in the world" before they fired him, is now doing commercials for wireless routers. Stay online, my friends...

From my radio brother, Skip Tucker: The first rule of Thesaurus Club is that you do not talk, articulate, battle, broach, chant, chat, chatter, comment on, communicate, confess, converse, describe, divulge, drawl, drone, express, flap one's tongue, gab, gobble, give voice to, gossip, influence, intone, notify, palaver, parlay, patter, persuade, prate, prattle, pronounce, reveal, rhapsodize, run on, say, sing, soliloquize, speak, spill the beans, spout, squeak, squeal, talk one's leg off, tell, tell all, use, utter, ventriloquize, verbalize, voice, or yak about Thesaurus Club.

  1. Don't look now, but those aren't snowballs they're throwing
  2. "On Bubbles, on Curious George, on Mickey, Davie, Peter & Mike... " just doesn't have the same ring to it.
  3. Reindeer are so much quieter
  4. Wicked Witch of the East wanted a rental fee
  5. Banana farts are really bad


  1. They'd like their workday to include 'curling the toes of their shoes' time
  2. They only have one dentist -- and frankly, Herbie's not that great
  3. Elf on the Shelf was their idea -- Santa gets the residuals
  4. They'd like to get more than just December 25th off for vacation
  5. That "checking the list twice" thing -- they do it, not Santa


  1. You have to dig down 10-feet to clean your chimney
  2. The neighbor kids have built a snowman convention
  3. That neighbor who's a jerk with a snowblower seems like a great guy
  4. Neighbor kids are asking for $500 to shovel your driveway
  5. There's a GoFundMe to take out a hit on the weather guy
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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