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THIS WEEK'S WACK

Our 1,088th Edition
December 16th, 2016

It's beginning to look a lot like PANIC!!!
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Hillary Clinton says that fake news cost her the election and that it needs to stop. Like that one going around now about Time Magazine naming Donald Trump its Person of the Year.

Pope Francis I is warning the media over the "sin" of spreading false news. And then he danced a polka. Sorry, bad habit.

Overheard at a party over the weekend: "Oh, I'm drinking tonight. I'm just having wine."

Now I know why those Christmas train tickets were so cheap. It was aboard the Bi-Polar Express.

Questions that we need to answer in 2017:
  • Who let the Dogs Out??
  • Where's the beef??
  • How do you get to Sesame Street??
  • Why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps??
  • Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same??
  • Or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop??
  • Where is Waldo?
  • Why are eggs packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails??
  • Why is "abbreviated" such a long word??
  • Why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator??
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons??
  • Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"--where's that extra penny going to??
  • Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune??
  • And just what is Victoria's secret? (you'd think I'd know that one by now)

Informationisbeautiful.com claims that December 11th is the most likely day for you to get dumped. So, you made it -- at least for this year.

From Conan O'Brien: According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of "The Apprentice."

A study says that half of all people have memories of events that never happened. Scarlett Johansson told me that same thing just the other day.

We're starting the 12 days of Christmas...or, as I like to call it, the 13 days before I get around to my Christmas cards.

The Los Angeles Rams fired their coach Jeff Fisher, yesterday. Who could have seen that coming? Uh, better make that, who didn't?

Starbucks has come out with a new Frappuccino that's named after Pokemon Go. It will replace the previously trendy Furby Frap.

Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson posted this on Twitter: "Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding;" Proverbs 3:13. But let us not forget, "Happier is the fan when thou hittest the broad side of a barn and our receivers catcheth!"

They say it's better to give than to receive. So. Give me something! You just hear -- it's better!

Donald Trump and Kanye West met at Trump Tower yesterday. One is a self-centered, egotistical narcissist and the other... is, too!

Yeah, for a while there, Kanye was just a rap beat away.

Basically, we spend half the holiday season complaining that it's too early to start celebrating and the other half saying we don't have enough time to do everything.

You know, it may take a few months of 2017 to remember all the singers and actors that we lost in 2016.
 
If things in your annual Christmas letter surprise people, it’s probably because they started hiding your Facebook posts this year.
 
A report says global warming has contributed to dropping the average weight of reindeer by 12 pounds. Then there are those who believe that it’s just because they’ve been working out.
 
The Hallmark Channel is coming under fire for having mostly white actors as the stars of their Christmas movies. I guess I didn’t realize there was more than one more. I thought it was just one really long one….
 
The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. If you’d like a copy, just mail me $400 in unmarked bills…..
You know, it may take a few months of 2017 to remember all the singers and actors that we lost in 2016.
 
If things in your annual Christmas letter surprise people, it’s probably because they started hiding your Facebook posts this year.
 
A report says global warming has contributed to dropping the average weight of reindeer by 12 pounds. Then there are those who believe that it’s just because they’ve been working out.
 
The Hallmark Channel is coming under fire for having mostly white actors as the stars of their Christmas movies. I guess I didn’t realize there was more than one more. I thought it was just one really long one….
 
The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. If you’d like a copy, just mail me $400 in unmarked bills…..

Ryan Lochte and his fiancé have announced that they’re going to become parents. At least, that’s what he says….
 
Yes, Taran Killam was cut from the cast of Saturday Night Live earlier in the year…but now he’s landed the role of King George in “Hamilton.” If nothing else, it’s one way to get in and see the show.
 
A NASA scientist is warning that the Earth is woefully unprepared for a surprise comet or asteroid strike. Sounds like it’s time for a Total Wine run….
 
American Express is offering employees who are new parents up to 20 weeks of paid leave. It’s called their “Don’t leave home” program.
 
TOP FIVE WAYS TO TELL YOU’RE ON SANTA’S NAUGHTY LIST
  1. Oh-oh…Santa’s actually sitting on your chimney. Wait…is he….?
  2. He tells the reindeer to hold it until they get to your house
  3. This year, to play it safe, he’s checking his list a third time to make sure you didn’t end up on the nice side
  4. One of his elves suggest you invest in a coal furnace
  5. You magically have a new personalized license plate that says, 'Naughty1’
TOP FIVE WAYS CHRISTMAS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT HAD BEEN CREATED BY LARRY THE CABLE GUY
  1. Scrooge would have been visited by the Spirit of Christmas Passed Gas
  2. The reindeer would all have stripper names
  3. Rudolph never should have walked through that meadow
  4. Frosty the Snowman actually has several tattoos
  5. Santa would constantly be saying to the elves, "Git 'r done!"
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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