Three people were arrested in New Jersey last week after leaving behind a pound of marijuana in their hotel room. One was quoted as saying, “Oh, wow, man.” Actually, they all were.
According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. But pick one or the other. Saying, “I like to dance with food” will get you nowhere.
Donald Trump is proposing a 20% border tax to pay for his wall. Next, I’m predicting Kellyane Conway pitching Bud Light as “alternative Corona’s.”
From radio brother, Matt Case: I wish 8 hours of sleep went as slow as 8 hours of work.
A report says the Moon’s gravity is slowing down the Earth’s rotation and in another 180 Million years, days will be 25 hours long. I don’t know about you, but I’m planning on getting another hour of sleep.
A proposed bill in Rhode Island would fine people for stopping their cars to give panhandlers money. That could be a real setback to the state’s cardboard sign industry.
Miss France was named the new Miss Universe on Sunday night. The even bigger news: Steve Harvey got it right the first time!
President Trump is scheduled to announce his nominee for the vacant US Supreme Court seat Thursday. The smart money is on either Judge Reinhold or Judge Judy.
The St. Louis Cardinals have been ordered to give the Houston Astros $2-million along with two draft picks for their part in hacking the Astros team database. St. Louis thought they might get away with it, but it wasn’t in the Cards.
Fitbit says it will cut 110 jobs because of falling profits. Which, of course, means you’re obviously not walking enough.
A study says many U.S. children suffer lower back pain…which is also usually followed by, “and that’s why I can’t clean my room.”
Masaya Nakamura, the inventor of "Pac-Man," has died at the age of 91. I’m imagining him becoming a ghost and trapped in his game for all time.
Not to give you one more thing to worry about, but the nation's bacon reserves are at the lowest levels in half a century. One word comes to mind: "No-o-o-o-o!"
I suppose, for the sake of conservation, I should stop putting it on my ice cream.
Jimmy Kimmel made a bold prediction: You know how at the end of a president's term, his hair has gone all grey? With President Trump, his hair will be fine. It'll be ours turning grey.
The Kardashians are in Costa Rica on vacation. Just one question: Vacation from what?
So, yesterday in Pennsylvania, Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole, saw his "I'm with her" sign, got depressed and went back into his hole. That, of course, means 4 more years of Trump.
Yesterday was Groundhog's Day, when we ask a rodent to predict the weather for us and we're all reminded that Gobbler's Knob is not a dirty phrase.
A former San Francisco 49ers cheerleader filed a federal lawsuit alleging NFL executives and team owners conspired to suppress wages for cheerleaders. Then again, as a 49ers cheerleader, her actual time cheering was fairly limited.
Thirty-one pounds of cocaine have been found hidden in the nose of an American Airlines jet. Needless to say, the jet hasn't slept in over a week.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE PROBABLY EATING TOO MUCH BACON
- You've been kicked out for eating bacon at a Bacon Anonymous meeting
- Make up your own number 2, I need to eat a piece of bacon
- You put it in your drinking water
- For lunch, you have a bacon sandwich: a piece of bacon between two other pieces of bacon
- You consider any meal without bacon "a snack"
TOP FIVE NAMES BEYONCE AND JAY-Z HAVE RULED OUT FOR THEIR TWINS
- Trump and Pence
- Fame and Misfortune
- Turner and Hooch
- Zeyonce and Jay-B
- Jay-1 and Jay-2
Laugh a little, would ya?
