THIS WEEK'S WACK
Our 1,096th Edition
February 17th, 2017
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Here's a fun idea: play Kanye or Conway. Read a quote, then you have to guess who said it -- Kanye West or Kellyanne Conway.
A study says music and sex stimulate the same part of the brain. That must explain why after (your favorite song here), I feel like a cigarette!
Wells Fargo says it is likely to deny any 2016 bonuses to its top executives. One of the execs was quoted as saying, "Well, yeah, that's OK, we already skimmed... I mean, uh, that's too bad."
I'm imagining a "50 Shades" movie starring secret agent 007: "I'm Bondage. James Bondage."
By the way, over the weekend, "Lego Batman" beat "50 Shades Darker". But, truth be told, "50 Shades" asked for it.
Heard over the weekend: "Yeah, if you add up three of these bottles, this wine gets 90 points!"
Beyonce's sister Solange is suggesting a boycott of the Grammy's after Adele beat out Beyonce's Lemonade for Album of the Year. Sounds like those Russian hackers were at it again.
My friend Rick Taylor says, "We have 2 cats who think their names are Dammit! and Get Down!"
At the Grammys, BustaRhymes called President Trump "evil." Well, as you know, the rap community has been a long-time supporter of women's rights and... oh, never mind.
Last weekend at the movies, "Lego Batman" spanked "50 Shades of Grey." Yes, I just said that.
A group of nudists held a Valentine's Day parade in San Francisco over the weekend. Nothing says romance like the phrase, "Uh, shouldn't that be up there?"
An Uber driver is being accused of drugging a passenger and burglarizing their home. On the positive side, you don't have to tip with Uber.
A woman was stopped at a Dallas Airport with 22 pounds of raw brains, hearts, and tongues from chickens, pigs and cows. My guess: someone brand-new to the Santa Clarita Diet.
OK, I know this one is kind of late, but how do you pronounce Brett Favre's last name Farve, when you spell it, the V is before the R, but when you say it, the V is after the R. It makes no sense!! There, I said it... ...
After a year of no nude pictures, Playboy is bringing them back, saying removing them "was a mistake." Can I get a group, "Duh!" All of you "I only read the articles" people, sit down.
A recent study found that the number of monarch butterflies migrating to Mexico from the U.S. has dropped by 27 percent. Maybe they're afraid that, while they're gone, Trump will put up a giant net?
The Baltimore airport just put in a gym where you can work out while you wait for a flight which should correct the stinky, sweaty airline passenger shortage.
The finale of Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Celebrity Apprentice" finished 4th among the 4 networks Sunday night. Arnold, this is where you say, "I may not be back."
Carlos Santana is apologizing for saying at the Grammy’s that Beyonce was not a “singer-singer.” He’s got to change his evil ways. Baby.
Scott Baio and Trevor Noah have broken out in a Twitter war and the relevancy meter has moved a bit.
Doesn’t it seem odd that we had a black American president before we had a black bachelorette?
A Pakistani court banned public celebrations of Valentine’s Day. They really shouldn’t allow judges to make major rulings after breakups….
A study in Canada says shoveling snow can kill men. The snow shovel for Valentine’s Day is starting to make sense.
Scarlett Johansson says that monogamy is “unnatural”, which, I suppose, clears my first hurdle.
A Stanford University School of Medicine study found properties in caffeine may beat back an "inflammatory process" linked to cardiovascular disease and aging. OK, with that, let’s call an end to coffee research now while we’re ahead.
Ryan Murphy says that American Horror Story: Season 7 will focus on the 2016 presidential election. Sometimes, these stories just write themselves…
Scientists are saying that when the Vikings terrorized and pillaged the world years ago, they took cats with them. Pretty much my ultimate nightmare.
From my buddy Skip Tucker: Watching an entire episode of a TV show without looking at your phone now counts as reading a book.
TOP FIVE LEAST POPULAR VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS
TOP FIVE WRONG ANSWERS TO GIVE WHEN ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU GET YOUR WIFE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?"
- A Valentine's Day whoopee cushion (that says 'I love you' when you sit on it)
- A box of adult diapers with the word 'disposable' crossed out and 'Cupid' written in
- The Swimsuit Issue of Ice Road Truckers
- A partially eaten box of chocolates (with the good ones picked out)
- A dozen rose-scented room fresheners
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian. A new cartoon every week!
- "When's that?"
- "I get something the day after -- half-price!"
- Two tickets to the MMA Lovefest
- A new golf bag for my clubs (so I'll think of you when I'm out on the course)
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