THIS WEEK'S WACK
Our 1,097th Edition
February 24th, 2017
Exactly 10 months from Christmas Eve. Just sayin'...
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Vanna White turned the big 6-0 last week. However, even though she's 60, she still turns letters.
Singer Elle King just revealed that she ate a bunch of pot muffins before the Grammys this year. I believe this explains the Grammy mystery of that partially eaten folding chair...
Taco Bell has announced plans to offer a $600 wedding service at its flagship restaurant in Las Vegas. The words, "Every girl's dream" never even crossed my mind...
The biggest storm to hit southern California in six years rolled through over the weekend. Or, if you prefer it in Jeopardy style: Where did Tim go on vacation over the weekend?
The game of Monopoly is getting rid of the thimble as one of the game pieces, to which I say, "Sew?"
At times, I do feel like the thimble in the Monopoly game of life.
It's a first for me, but I believe I'm developing a serious fear of press conferences.
I'm waiting for President Trump to accuse several cats of fake mews. Or, cows of fake moos.
What day of the week is Good Friday this year?
Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna have reportedly broken up, with a source saying they are both "trying to be mature about it." Of course, that would be a Kardashian family first!
The food industry is working on simplifying the labels on perishable food. They are considering changing the warnings to "sell by a certain date" and "after this date, serve only to enemies."
The Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus has launched their final tour. I mean, when it comes to a circus, how do you compete with what's going on in Washington, D.C.?
Bill Gates says that job stealing robots should be taxed like humans. Microsoft announced that a more cooperative Bill Gates should be in place any day now...
Fake News now accounts for 23% of all news. Actually, we just made that up, so make it 24%.
The makers of the board game Monopoly have announced that they are dropping the thimble token in favor of new pieces in the shape of emojis and hashtags. Because we all know how much Millennials love a good game of Monopoly.
From a friend on Facebook: (Thanks Gretchen)
Checker at Grocery Store: "Ma'am I'll have to see some ID for that wine"
Me: "Tee hee"
Checker: "I know everyone over 60 loves that joke."
Me: "I bet they do... wait... what? Who's over 60? What just happened?"
In Germany, a woman has been arrested after beating and suffocating her cousin as part of an exorcism. Now THAT'S going to make Thanksgiving awkward...
NASA scientists want to make Pluto a planet again. Well, that's Goofy. No, wait. Different Disney dog... ..
A fight broke out in the arcade of a Chuck E. Cheese in Everett, Washington, Monday night... sending a mom and her daughter to the hospital. And the band played on...
54% of women take radio to work with them. I wonder if it's so they can use the car pool lane?
Scientists say that kissing is actually good for your health. Bringing that up is also a great way to get your wife to say the phrase, "I'm not buying it."
You're doing what you're normally doing. So am I. Pretty obvious that neither of us won the Powerball last night.
A new study says that men who exercise strenuously may have a lower libido than those whose workouts are lighter. Hey baby, I don't workout at all! Haven't in years!
Are there just more political Facebook posts these days, or do you just think that cats got tired of playing the piano all the time?
One winning ticket was sold in Wednesday’s $435-million Powerball drawing. All I can do is hope it’s a relative.
A New York man claims he has gotten away without paying any federal income tax since 1970. I would think if you actually got away with that, it would be counter-productive to call attention to it.
A study says testosterone gel does not improve men’s memory. And in a related story, a study says testosterone gel does not improve men’s memory.
High Times magazine is moving from New York to California. Their slogan is, “All the news that’s…uh, what were we talking about again?”
I hate it when you click to see a trailer for a movie and they show you a commercial…before watching a commercial!
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU HAD TOO MUCH FUN AT MARDI GRAS
- Over 1,000 strings of beads -- a new personal best!
- You just coughed up confetti
- Well there's that "This Side Up" tattoo that mysteriously showed up
- When you offer your phone number and he says, "You gave it to me last night."
- You started in New Orleans and woke up in Alaska.
TOP FIVE CAR NAMES YOU'LL PROBABLY NEVER HEAR
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian. A new cartoon every week!
- The Jesus Chrysler
- The Ford Harrison
- Jeep Skate
- Buick Abod-Crane
- The Chevy To-the-levy-but-the-levy-was-dry
PSPS--Stalk me on Twitter for daily Wacks!