|
THIS WEEK'S WACK
Our 1,098th Edition
March 3rd, 2017
Remember, this is the weekend we leave the clocks alone'...
These jokes are available on a daily basic
through Radio-Online. Click here for a free demo
It appears that Julian Assange and Pamela Anderson actually are an item. Score one for the Nerds.
JC Penney is going to close up to 140 stores. Just trying to get their Penney's worth.
A study says obsession with social media is hurting the mental health of Americans. I feel like it's more a case of the mental health of Americans hurting social media, but that's just me.
Donald Trump reportedly has an open door policy in the Oval Office for his staff... which is great, except when he has to go to the bathroom.
A life-sized Kanye West statue has been erected in Los Angeles. We don't know when Kanye put it up.
Apparently, President Trump gets booed so much they've made him an honorary New York Yankee.
I have to admit, at one point last night, I switched over from the Oscars to C-Span, just so I didn't have to hear so many political speeches.
Remember at the Oscars when you were shocked by who won Best Picture, rather than how they did it?
So, in "La La Land," they gave us a happy ending and then took it away. Seems appropriate when you see how the Best Picture Oscar went down.
In case you missed it, "La La Land" was announced as the big winner, but it turned out "Moonlight" had more electoral votes.
You have to admit, with the comments about truth, the New York Times ad, the fake news... to have the Oscars end with a fake winner. Now THAT'S ironic!
Then there are those who say "La La Land" should have won Best Picture and they were robbed... by an aging Bonnie and Clyde!
Actually, I found it refreshing that the Oscars had one big awkward moment, rather than a bunch of little ones.
This just in from Price Waterhouse: Happy Friday!
North Korea has executed five of their senior security officials. This is why they don't hold the Academy Awards in North Korea.
Witches around the world are uniting to cast a mass spell against Donald Trump. This would make a lot more sense if this was a really old story...
Newt Gingrich says "fake education" is underlying the "fake news" President Trump is fighting against. Time for me to turn on my "fake interest."
SpaceX founder Elon Musk said he plans to do a private space mission to send two civilian passengers around the moon in 2018. At this point, the leading candidates are the two who messed up the Best Picture Oscar.
White House counselor Kellyanne Conway was photographed kneeling on an Oval Office sofa. Some people were shocked, but by far, not the worse thing that's ever happened in there on knees.
If we can't even figure out who gets to us which restrooms, how are we ever expected to get the Best Picture thing right?
According to a new study, online dating apps have caused people to lower their standards. I'm reminded of the old Pat Paulson campaign promise: "We've up our standards. Now, up yours!"
A tech industry CEO says super-smart robots will outnumber humans in the next 30 years. I think if you include Smartphones, they already do.
A study says that having sex uses all 657 muscles in the body. Yeah, but like a 3-minute workout is going to do me any good.
Warren Buffett is offering $1 Million a year for life to any of his employees who get their NCAA brackets correct going into the Sweet 16. Shall we just engrave the Boss of the Year Award now and get it over with?
Spain has appointed a Minister of Sex to reverse the nation's plummeting birth rate. I'd just like to mention that my career guidance counselor failed to bring that up as an option.
A study says having kids can wreak havoc on women's sleep habits. The study was conducted by researchers who obviously never had kids.
For our younger listeners, those black marks on people's foreheads Wednesday were for the beginning of Lent. They were 'signs of the cross', not ashtags.
A Los Angeles man has spent $50,000 on over 110 medical procedures with the ultimate goal of turning himself into a genderless alien. He plans to have his genitals, nipples and belly button removed next. All fine, but which bathroom is it going to use?
Scientists have found a way to grow human tissue on apples. This has also led to the new phrase, “An apple a day keeps the Walking Dead away.”
A study says that online dating causes people to lower their standards. Your reaction is probably either, “No, I don’t!” or “Thank God! Finally, a break!”
Target is reportedly changing its strategy to reemphasize low prices over hip products. When did Target sell hip products?
A Florida woman accused of practicing medicine without a license calls it a “misunderstanding.” As a self-proclaimed lawyer, I’d be happy to represent her.
And so you have it next year:
TOP FIVE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO REFER TO FAT TUESDAY
- Height-Weight Disproportionate Tuesday
- I can't help it Tuesday
- I eat when I get stressed Tuesday
- A Few Too Many Extra Pounds Tuesday
- Over-active Thyroid Tuesday
TOP FIVE POSSIBLE CAMPAIGN SLOGANS FOR OPRAH'S PRESIDENTIAL RUN
- "Vote for me and everyone goes home with a new president"
- "Weight Watchers for Everyone!"
- "O -- My God!"
- And now... "MY FAVORITE THINGS!!!"
- "Dump the Trump"
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian. A new cartoon every week!
PSPS--Stalk me on Twitter for daily Wacks!
|
