THIS WEEK'S WACK
Our 1,105th Edition
April 21st, 2017
The truth will set you free. Unless you're guilty
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Taiwan has banned the eating of dog and cat meat. In fact, the restrictions are so tough, you're not even allowed to use the phrase, "Tastes like chicken."
The federal income tax deadline is tomorrow night at midnight. Time to get started on those taxes!
Facebook is increasing their efforts on stopping fake news. They're even creating a Fake News police force. OK, we made that up...
Cute joke: A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday. After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one. Minutes later, the rooster walks in. He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
OK, 50 sit-ups: check!
25 push-ups: check!
Brisk, 5-mile walk: check!
10 flights of stairs: check!
Making a list of all the things I'm not going to do today: check and double check!
A Navy Seal is being investigated for moonlighting as a porn star. Maybe you've seen some of his films: "Specially Trained Unit," "I've Got Your Back" and "We're Going In!"
Victoria Beckham has trademarked the name of her five-year-old daughter Harper Seven Beckham. She's not only growing up entitled, she's also trademarked!
I don't know about you, but I can't help but wonder how different the world would be today if, instead of dragging that passenger off the jet, United had just handed the guy a Pepsi.
Spoiler alert: if you leave a banana out on your kitchen counter for a couple of months, you're going to have a mess on your hands.
Egyptian archaeologists have discovered EIGHT MUMMIES in a 3,500-year-old tomb near the ancient city of Luxor. Tom Cruise couldn't have wished for better timing.
Yesterday was the federal income tax deadline. Today is the traditional day that I.R.S agents celebrate by pouring salt on your farmland.
Starbucks unveils the Unicorn Frappuccino today. A multi-colored salute to something that we believe exists, but have never seen. You know, like the president's tax returns.
All in all, things went pretty smoothly at Donald Trump's first White House Easter Egg roll. Although he did complain briefly about "fake grass."
Yesterday was "Snakes Return to Ireland Day." Apparently, St. Patrick drives them out on March 17th and then a month later, they Uber back!
A study says more Americans are suffering from stress, anxiety and depression. I don't know about you, but news like that stresses me out. I'm depressed.
A Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested in New York for boarding a plane with a loaded handgun. Top that, United!
IKEA is talking about launching a restaurant chain. I wonder if it'll be where, you buy the food and have to put it together yourself?
A new study says that 1 in 3 Americans don't understand basic financial terms, whatever financial means.
The President of Turkmenistan says he is aiming for his entire country to be tobacco free by 2025. No if's, and's or butts.
FOX NEWS dropped Bill O'Reilly yesterday. My guess is, from here, he'll go teach spin classes.
Therapists are offering digital interventions for people addicted to social media at the rate of $150 an hour. I just posted that I could quit at any time on Twitter, Snapchat, Vimeo, Youtube, Facebook and Instagram.
OK, I’m just askin’, but: Bill O’Reilly, Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton….are Bill’s just horn-dogs?
I’m thinking, you know, we’re probably not that far away from the self-playing video game.
Venezuela seized an auto plant from General Motors this week. Ironically, Venezuela is Spanish for “United Airlines.”
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU HAVE A REALLY BAD COMPUTER VIRUS
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE EASTER BUNNY IS GETTING TIRED
- Your mouse itches
- There's a rash on your keyboard
- Computer just suggested when you're done to wash your hands with anti-bacterial soap
- It just started auto-playing "The Exorcist"
- Your computer just deleted your neighbor's files
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian. A new cartoon every week!
- Instead of candy, now leaving Amazon gift cards with a note that says, "Order it yourself"!
- Basket of eggs in one hand, Grande 5-shot Espresso in the other
- Didn't remove store price tags off the candy (yeah, let's blame the rabbit)
- "Here comes Peter Cottontail... riding a Segway Scooter down the bunny trail... "
- He's switched to high-iron carrots
PSPS--Stalk me on Twitter for daily Wacks!