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THIS WEEK'S WACK
Our 1,106th Edition
April 28th, 2017
Live long and no one will call you short
These jokes are available on a daily basic
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And, in Arkansas, it appears the annual Execution Festival is underway.
Ronda Rousey is engaged to fighter Travis Browne. I wonder if they'll see a counselor if they don't fight.
It's Monday? Wow... all I remember was some guy last Thursday saying to me, "Hey, did you know it's 4-20?"
In Seattle, we've had 141 days of rain since October 1st. Even Noah didn't have it that bad!
Not surprising that Bill O'Reilly's next book will be called, "Killing Accusations."
A DUI suspect in Pennsylvania was caught with a drunk Chihuahua in his car. The dog's only words were, "Yo quiero BLAHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
Bakersfield, California has been designated the smoggiest city in the U.S.. Their official city slogan is "Come see... well, nothing."
A new tool allows people to see if their computer is infected with NSA spyware. Or, you could just look at your computer and say out loud, "Apparently, it is."
A study says that being skinny is linked to depression. These extra pounds are mental health, baby!
Amazon keeps offering these "Lightning Deals." I don't really need any lightning, but if I ordered some, I can't imagine taking more than a day to get here.
Remember: you've got the power. But that also means you've got the power bill.
Show of hands -- who's all for putting the giraffe on birth control?
A co-founder of Wikipedia has declared war on fake news while wearing a bathrobe. OK, we made the bathrobe part up...
I had said that today I was going to reveal my best-kept secrets. But if I did, they wouldn't be secrets and that would make my lesser secrets better kept. So, because it's all so complicated, I'm going home early.
Donald Trump says he wants to send astronauts to Mars during his first term as President. The Martians have said, "That's fine, as long as he stays here!"
A survey says Wi-Fi in the home is more important to people than having clean underwear. Which begs the question, "Why can't we just have both? Please."
The attorney for the United Airlines dragged passenger is now representing the woman in the stroller incident on American. There's your niche industry.
Ontario, Canada has launched a guaranteed income program that will pay people a minimum $12,600 a year. Boy, that could put a dent in the standing by the freeway off-ramp with a sign industry.
A brand of hash brown potatoes is being recalled because they may contain pieces of golf balls. If you've ever seen me play, you'll understand how that is possible.
I actually got an email that said, "Did you know that you haven't opened or clicked on one of our emails in over a year?" I wanted to write back, "Do you realize you can't take a hint?"
This is National Volunteer Week. We were going to have a party to honor those volunteers, but ironically, no one would take on the project.
A restaurant opened in London this week that specializes in airline-style food. Which, of course, begs the question, "Why?"
John McCain has told Donald Trump to “get tough” with China about North Korea. All this while McCain was listening to Prince’s “Let’s Go Crazy” on his WalkMan.
The Writers Guild of America has voted to authorize a strike. And the plot thickens….
Jeb Bush will have controlling interest of the Miami Marlins if his group is chosen to buy the team. They should do well as long as they don’t have to play Donald Trump.
A company in Japan has created a device to help parents shut down their child’s smartphone if they use it too much. DIdn’t that use to be called, ‘parenting?’
Spirit Airlines has scored the lowest customer satisfaction rating in its industry for the third year in a row. A company spokesman said, “Who cares?”
The new United Airlines slogan is NOT “Fly the Bunny-Killin’ Skies if We Don’t Drag You Off First.” Just a bad rumor….
TOP FIVE NICE THINGS ABOUT HAVING A ROBOT BOSS
- Pretty much requires bringing a sledgehammer when asking for a raise
- You won't have to marry his daughter to get ahead (again)
- Finally, coffee spills can be productive
- Everyone gets to go home in a power outage.
- It's considered acceptable to ask the boss if he's AC or DC
TOP FIVE SIGNS OF JUST HOW WET IT IS IN SEATTLE
- One of the hottest new fashion trends is the life jacket
- Umbrellas are just left in the open position
- Weatherman hasn't recorded a new forecast since October
- Cats and dogs are both saying, "Stop it!"
- Aquarium owners are able to take their fish for a walk
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian. A new cartoon every week!
PSPS--Stalk me on Twitter for daily Wacks!
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