THIS WEEK'S WACK
Our 1,107th Edition
May 5th, 2017
Time flies when you throw a watch
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An Apple self-driving car was seen driving down the road for the first time. You know how they knew it was an Apple car? No Windows.
The head of Uber's self-driving car effort has stepped down. Well, actually, at Uber, they don't fire you -- they send a self-driving car for you.
In the NFL draft, the Houston Texans announced some of their picks from outer space, using astronauts aboard the International Space Station. However, the astronauts were still not as far out as Marshawn Lynch.
I don't know if you heard, but on one of United's flights, a rabbit died. I wonder who's pregnant?
A woman gave birth to a baby while visiting a zoo in Nebraska. Ironically, the giraffes were watching her!
Harry Styles has announced he's embarking on a world tour. Have you noticed that people don't embark as much as they use to?
Kim Kardashian is now on a Mexican vacation. I repeat my often-asked question: "Vacation from what?"
A London gym has started a "nap-ercise" class to help tired parents learn to sleep better. Finally, a class I could teach!
A study says it is more energizing to walk stairs than drink caffeine. That's why I always double-down and only go to Starbucks on the second floor.
A study says Type 2 Diabetes is linked to memory loss. In other news, they now say that Type 2 Diabetes is linked to memory loss.
A report says more animals died on United Airlines flights in 2016 than any other airline. On the plus side, it does make them easier to drag off.
A 92-year-old Canadian man says the secret to staying young is going to raves. Then again, he might have said "not going to graves." He was mumbling, it was hard to tell.
The CEO of Southwest Airlines says they are going to start over-booking flights. United Airlines is probably going to do that, too, but not by choice.
Federal agents just seized 300-pounds of yak meat that was illegally smuggled into JFK airport. I'm imagining there are not a lot of yak meat smugglers on Linkedin.
The Federal government has come up with an agreement to avoid a shutdown until October. The Oakland Raiders are hoping to figure one of those out as well.
North Korea is warning that they'll conduct a nuclear test any time. Considering their record on missile launches, should we really be worried?
Congrats to Ryan Seacrest, the new co-host with Kelly Ripa on "Live." That ends Ryan streak of being under-overworked.
So, Ryan Seacrest is Kelly Ripa's new Co-host on Live. I hear there's even talk of changing the title of the show to "American Midol." (wait---did I type that out loud?)
I loved the May Day protestors with the signs that say, "More free time!" Dude, it's a workday! You're at a protest! Put it all together!
The true conspiratorial mind would have realized by now that that the May Day riots are instigated by the glass and window-making industry.
Remember, you can't have a bucket list without a bucket.
Actually, buying a really nice bucket is on my bucket list.
I don't mean to be critical, but I saw all the pictures from the Met Gala and while I saw an ex-Yankee, I didn't see any Mets there.
The world's oldest man, who claimed to be 146 years old has died in Indonesia. Sadly, just when he was finally able to afford retirement.
From my radio brother, Skip Tucker: Whoever it was that said, "No man is an island" has obviously never seen my stomach in the bathtub.
I don't mean to sound snooty, but while I want to make it big someday, it's not becoming a "YouTube Star."
President Trump just did an interview where he wondered why the Civil War ever happened. In that same interview, Trump said that Andrew Jackson was really angry about the Civil War, but Andrew Jackson actually died 16 years before it started. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Alternative History.
Kelly Ripa announced that Ryan Seacrest will become her new permanent co-host. One more thing to tick off North Korea's Kim Jong Un.
Michael Moore has suggested that Dwayne Johnson -- the Rock -- should run for president. Remember back when that would have been unthinkable?
Britain's Prince Phillip is stepping down from his official royal duties. That means he'll no longer... uh... he'll stop doing... hmmm, let me get back to you on that one.
A Kentucky woman claimed she was Hillary Clinton when she was pulled over by police for a DUI... which, of course, was a lie... which made them think, "Hmmmm, maybe its her!"
Puerto Rico has filed for bankruptcy. In fact, right now, the most popular form of currency there is relief pitchers.
Can't wait to get out there and hit all those After Cinco De Mayo Sales tomorrow.
TOP FIVE HORSES NOT TO BET ON IN THE KENTUCKY DERBY
- Almost Glue
- Tom's Biggest Disappointment
- Dead Last
- Afraid of Speed
- I Wish I Was A Cow
TOP FIVE SIGNS THIS IS GOING TO BE A ROUGH CRUISE
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian. A new cartoon every week!
- First port -- North Korea!
- Staff keeps singing the "Gilligan's Island" theme song
- The ship's captain is celebrating his 18th hour of sobriety
- They've asked that you please don't throw up on the new carpet in the dining room
- They're selling lifeboat raffle tickets
PSPS--Stalk me on Twitter for daily Wacks!