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Our 1,110th Edition
May 26th, 2017

I only regret that I don't have more regrets
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According to a new study, 25% of Americans don't believe in God. I can hear the new Pledge of Allegiance: "One nation, 75% under God... "

Anthony Weiner has pleaded guilty to distributing obscene material to a minor, bringing greater shame and disgrace to the Weiner name, if that's possible.

The TV show "Roseanne" is coming because Hollywood is finally willing to admit that they've run out of ideas.

The L.A. Coliseum is reportedly selling its naming rights to United Airlines. Right now, United is said to be tossed between UAL Pavilion or Drag-Your-Ass-Out Stadium.

An Australian nutritionist says less exercise may be the key to weight loss. I smell a Nobel Prize for someone...

President Trump is out of the country for 9 days. The word "opportunity" comes to mind...

The Ringling Brothers Circus gave its final performance ever on Sunday. Then, the 23 clowns all got in a car and drove home.

Now that Ringling Brothers has called it quits, does the title "the Greatest Show on Earth" go to Donald Trump?

A big game hunter in Zimbabwe was killed when an elephant he shot fell on him. Remember, it's not nice to WHA-WHA-WHAAAAAA about the dead.

North Korea must realize that if it launched a missile attack, it wouldn't be long until South Korea could change its name to just Korea.

Scientists have identified 51 human genes that are tied to intelligence. And, for the record, none of those genes had holes or tears in them.

That witch that was casting spells on Donald Trump is back and casting more spells. And to cover all our bases, no, we're not talking about Hillary.

Graduation time reminds me of those three special words that mom and dad said to me right after I got my diploma: 'Get a job!' Sir Roger Moore passed away this week, at the age of 89. While he was a great Bond, but he was no Saint. Oh, wait, yes he was. Never mind....

Pope Francis and President Trump met at the Vatican. No, that’s not the setup for a joke. It really happened.
But I’m thinking they could have started out their conversation with one saying, “So what’s with that big thing on your head?” and the other replying, “Back at ya!”
If you want to get out of Dodge before Memorial Day Weekend you might want to start by asking yourself, “How the hell did I end up in Dodge?”
Katy Perry’s new concert tour is called “Witness.” Apparently, she’s cut off all of her hair and is in protection.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West celebrated their third wedding anniversary this week. Pay up!
For all the publicity Katy Perry is getting out of her feud with Taylor Swift, I’m going to announce that I’m feuding with Taylor, too. Technically speaking, she’s not speaking to me. (OK, so she doesn’t know me…)

A new study says that getting less than 6 hours of sleep every night increases your chances of an early death. On behalf of morning show people everywhere, I’d just like to say, “Oh, great!”
A new report found that legal marijuana brought in more money last year than Girl Scout cookies did.  What do marijuana and Girl Scouts have in common? Brownies.
The Seattle Mariners have been out-scored 39-4 in their last four games. Maybe it’s time they switch to a game where low score wins, like golf.
The biggest thing I took from the “Dirty Dancing” re-do is that, it wasn’t that long ago that kind of dancing was considered “dirty.”
It was such a beautiful morning, the first thing I did was go outside and make pollen angels on my windshield.
I tell you, the pollen is SO bad outside, I saw a bee sneeze. And isn't that the bee's sneeze?

  1. A Stormtrooper stunt double
  2. Billy "Please, Please, Pick Me" Bush
  3. One of the newest SNL cast members
  4. Pee Wee Herman's Cousin
  5. Anyone Kardashian


  1. Porsche brochures over by dental tools
  2. "And that cinches it -- the kids are going to college!"
  3. Overheard saying to the hygienist, "Can you say, 'Rolex'!"
  4. While reviewing your X-rays, he called his travel agent.
  5. The dentist just looked in your mouth and said, "Oh-oh, this looks like a down payment!"
Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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