Our 1,116th Edition
July 7th, 2017
It's 7-7-17. There's a lotto ticket in there somewhere
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Disney World says an animated Donald Trump will have a speaking role at the Hall of Presidents when it reopens this fall. They're also considering changing the name of the attraction to "It's a small hands world after all."
11,000 people are taken to the emergency room every year because of fireworks. Well, most of 11,000 people.
In Jay Z's new album, he admits cheating on Beyonce. The good news--Taylor Swift isn't releasing a song about Jay Z.
Britney Spears fought back at accusations she lip syncs. Ironically, she made her statement while asleep.
I never thought I would hear the words, "Just because the president does it doesn't make it OK."
In Disney World, I hear they're moving the Donald Trump robot from the Hall of Presidents over to a new attraction, "It's a Crass World After All."
Horizon Air is offering extra pay and hiring bonuses of up to $20,000 to fill a severe shortage of pilots. Boy, if that doesn't make you want to run out and buy some tickets...
Remember, if you don't think there's a bully in your workplace, it could be you.
The theme of the 4th of July parade I'm announcing this year is "United We Stand." Not to be confused with the airline slogan, "United: we drag you out."
Notice how often you're able to use the phrase, "On a lighter note" these days?
Pot is now legal in Las Vegas. Their new slogan: "What happens in Vegas, something..."
President Trump meets Vladimir Putin face-to-face at the G-20 Summit in Germany today. What could possibly go wrong?
It was bad enough New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was photographed on a state closed beach…but apparently, members of Greenpeace kept trying to throw him back in the water.
Seven Seattle Mariners will be going to baseball’s All-Star game this year. And we’re told they were able to buy some really good seats.
Damon Wayans set off some Twitter fireworks on the 4th of July, calling the day, “Happy white people proud of their racist ancestor’s day.” That will help me remember which one of the Wayans is the not funny one.
Lindsay Lohan is asking everyone to stop bullying Donald Trump. This news update is brought to you by the Fruitcake Makers of America.
Colin Kaepernick went to Ghana to find his independence. Friends invited him to stick around the U.S., but apparently, he wouldn’t stand for that.
My radio brother says the worst thing about being a zombie would be all that walking. Then again, that would make the perfect gift for a zombie their own Fitbit.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING OLDER
- You forgot why you were doing this list in the first place
- The last five hotels where you stayed in Vegas have all been torn down
- You've been offered a job on "60 Minutes"
- Are other people followed by vultures?
- When you watch a music awards show, you spend the whole night asking, "Who?"
TOP FIVE QUESTIONS PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL PROBABLY ASK RUSSIA'S PRESIDENT PUTIN TODAY
- For God's sake, can you put your shirt back?
- Did you guys really invent Russian Dressing?
- When I ask about defenders and ask if you're Syria's, can you stop calling me Shirley?
- What exactly is in borscht?
- Wanna have a Twitter war and freak people out?
Laugh as little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, 
