They say once you go WACK, you never go back

 

A former chef for Queen Elizabeth II says she has four drinks every day. So, she's more like us than we thought.

Oh, I could do four drinks a day... if I really wanted to cut back...

Talk about putting the Royal Crown in the royal crown!

A report says AT&T may sell CNN and TMZ. BFD.

A report says euthanasia is becoming common in the Netherlands, accounting for 4.5 percent of all deaths. You know, I hear euthanasia can kill you.

North Korea's top diplomat says their country is ready to teach the U.S. 'a severe lesson.' Don't they realize we've already elected one?

Sharknado 5 is on the SyFy channel this month. I set up my DVR to avoid it.

The Japanese actor who put on a rubber suit for the first Godzilla movie has died at the age of 81. He'll be taken out to sea and then return 52 times.

At his funeral, family insisted on security to keep out the guy who wore the Mothra suit. Apparently, they didn't get along.

Al Gore's new film "An Inconvenient Sequel" had a poor box office opening, finishing in 15th place. Then again, think of all the electricity they saved by not having to fire up those projectors!

A professor at the University of Georgia is letting students pick their own grade to reduce stress. Where were these people when I was growing up!!

Amazon is now offering audio books for dogs. They were going to offer them for cats, too, but cats just don't care.

Amber Heard and Elon Musk have reportedly split up after a year of dating. Apparently, they had a centrifuge-type relationship -- really fast, but going nowhere.

Johnny Manziel says he would be interested in coaching if his playing career becomes dormant. Does someone want to tell him we're there?

I know at least two countries where this bumpersticker would apply: "Our leader is crazier than your leader"

After looking at Facebook, I'm really mad at Glen Campbell. Apparently, I was the only person in the world he didn't pose with for a picture.

A poll says only 54% of Americans have money in the stock market. I know when I ask my assistant to get my broker on the phone, she asks, "Stock or pawn?"

A study says some video games are bad for the brain. I’m shocked—only some?
 
Saw this on Twitter and I like it: “Dream hard. Work harder.”
 
I wonder how many high school proms will go with the theme, “Fire and Fury?”
 
They say that August is Washington Wine Month. Like July wasn’t.
 
Yesterday was National Lazy Day. We were going to mention it….and just never got around to it…
 
A 34-year-old Brazilian man has spent over $500,000 to transform himself into a human Ken doll. He was really disappointed when he found out accessories were sold separately.
 
The White House is undergoing a $3.4-million renovation. Totally worth it when the phone-blocking technology is turned on.

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU PROBABLY NEED TO GET NEW BUSINESS CARDS

1. What's this pager number thing all about?
2. Uh, it gives your MySpace page
3. I don't think you need to have on there, "Won't accept collect calls"
4. It's not really business-like to list your astrological sign
5. Probably should lose the "This card good for one can of Spam"

OUR TOP FIVE BEST SUGGESTIONS FOR VIEWING THE UPCOMING SOLAR ECLIPSE

1. Look up from your phone every once in a while
2. Don't put sunblock on your eyeballs. Doesn't work.
3. Just watch the replay on TV and tell everyone you were there
4. Avoid trying to book a room at a hotel that has "Welcome suckers" on their readerboard
5. Look at the map, figure out its path, then go back in time and make a reservation somewhere

TOP FIVE BEST SELLERS OF AMAZON'S AUDIO BOOKS FOR DOGS

1. Stephen King's "The Bark Tower"
2. "101 Dalmations"
3. "A Tail of Two Puppies"
4. "The Fetcher in the Rye"
5. "Catch 22... cats"

Laugh a little, would ya?