Our 1,122nd Edition
August 18th, 2017
They better keep their hands off that Sara Lee statue!
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A survey says half of Americans are choosing to be cremated. You bet your ash!
The best way to keep friends on Facebook. Opt to hide their comment, rather than respond to it.
The best thing about being older is that Facebook wasn't around yet to collect all the stupid stuff I did.
You knew this was going to happen: Opioids have just declared Donald Trump a National Disaster.
Animal researchers say that chimps can learn to play rock, paper, scissors. Sounds like a new cable channel to me!
Chelsea Handler is calling for a military coup to overturn Donald Trump. To which Kathy Griffin replied, "Dibs on the head!"
A study says vegetarians are twice as likely to be depressed as meat eaters. Or, as researchers call it, to be in a To-funk.
The white Ford Bronco used in the O.J. Simpson slow-speed chase is up for sale. Low miles, not driven very fast, very, very, very clean...
Pope Francis has warned Christians not to put their trust in horoscopes. But, what else would you expect from a Sagittarius?
In Virginia, someone broke into a man's apartment, cleaned it, and took nothing. Completely cleaned the place. Where are these criminals? Would someone give them my address?
I just have this feeling that the whole Trump/Kim Jong-Un clash could be resolved if both switched to different barbers.
A Japanese company has created a new high-end fidget spinner that they say can spin for more than 12 minutes. OK, now back to working on that cancer cure...
A recent study found that sex burns about 3.5 calories per minute. Insert your own 7-calorie joke here.
North Korea says it will now NOT launch missiles at Guam as a test. The vacation is back on!!!
I'm conflicted. I want to hate the haters. But then I would be hating myself.
I had no idea they made avocado oil. I didn't know they squeaked.
A new study says that one out of every three adults has an arrest or conviction record. Yeah, but I didn't do it. Any of the times. 7 out of my 8 parole officers agree.
I don't know about you, but I am curious as to what Taylor Swift is going to do with her dollar.
I'm trying to remember when it exactly was when I went to sleep and woke up in 1957.
I mean, all things considered, this week has to be a serious set-back for the tiki torch industry.
A study says one fifth of Americans say their workplace is "horrible" or "threatening." That's why they have 4-person morning shows. They know that 5th person would crack and start talking.
Police are looking for a Texas man accused of having sex with a chain link fence. You'd think finding a guy with chain-link marks would be easy. Now the trick is to find him and lock him up behind something he won't make a move on.
A study says lightning has been hitting fewer Americans. My theory is that God thinks we're already doing plenty of damage to ourselves.
A third woman is accusing Roman Polanski of attacking her sexually in the 1970s. Apparently, Polanski is the Polish word for Cosby.
A study says that givers are happier than takers. Well, whatever it takes...
Deep down inside, I can't help but wonder--with all these statues being taken down--how Granny Clampett would feel if she were still with us.
I also wonder if this means now that the annual Blue-Grey College Football Game is now politically incorrect?
The CEO of Campbell's Soup is quitting President Trump's Job Council. Denise Morrison described the experience as, "MM-MMM, bad."
From Facebook: Oh, Lord, if you want us to impeach President Trump, give us a sign. Like, blocking out the sun for example.
Just a reminder not to wear your eclipse glasses while driving.
President Trump has already condemned whatever happens this weekend in the strongest terms, just so it doesn’t interrupt his weekend.
Donald Trump disbanded two advisory councils after CEO members publicly refused to work with the White House. When you think about it, he’s made it this far without any advisors. I mean, he couldn’t have actually intended for everything that’s happened to happen.
Hope Hicks has been named interim White House Communications Director. Which is also the answer to the question, “Who are those guys heading this way carrying Tiki torches?”
A poll says one in four Americans will follow Donald Trump to the end. The good news for those folks is that they probably don’t have a long wait.
So many Americans are suffering from political anxiety that doctors have coined a term for it, Post-Trump Stress Disorder. I just call it, the “Twitter jitters.” Of course, he’d probably say, “Twitter jitters are for quitters.”
A study says wine tastes better to people when they think it is more expensive. That’s why I only buy the boxes with the really nice pictures on them.
They say a lot of college graduates these days are really bad writers. Well, they probably should have gone to a gooder college.
If you wear sunblock during an eclipse, is that redundant?
ABC has ordered a live-action version of the old cartoon series, “The Jetsons.” Rats Right!
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S PROBABLY TIME TO CLEAN OUT THE GARAGE
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR BASEBALL TEAM PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS
- A FEMA disaster team is featuring it in a brochure
- Tour buses stop and ask if they can see it.
- A neighbor went in to borrow a rake and hasn't been seen since
- Goodwill is suing, saying you're trying to impersonate them
- It's so full of stuff, you couldn't fit in an old shotglass
- At every home game, grief counselors are available
- Before every game, umpire always offer your manage the option of forfeiting
- Several pitchers have a triple digit E.R.A.
- "7th Inning Stretch" has become known as the "7th Inning Fake Stretching and Sneak Out"
- They just traded the mascot for a future draft pick
Laugh a little, would ya?