They say once you go WACK, you never go back

I couldn't find eclipse glasses anywhere. Thank God this guy sold me a pair of eclipse contact lenses. They say you know they work if you can't see anything out of them.

Compliments of ventriloquist Mark Merchant: Lots of statues of Confederate General Robert E. Lee are being called "offensive." However, not the statues of his wife Sara. Because... "Everybody doesn't like something, but nobody doesn't like Sara Lee."

Former vice-president Al Gore says that President Trump should leave office. And, oh, by the way, he's not doing anything at the moment.

Where to catch the eclipse on Monday: look up.

Monday -- a day made for sheet-caking!

I know you can't say this, but shit kickin' and sheet-cakin' are dangerously close to each other.

A study says Millennials are more willing than others to marry someone in debt. Well, if you're wanting to marry someone college-educated, it's pretty safe to believe they're in debt.

It's Eclipse Day! You know what they say: a broken sundial is wrong at least once today.

Question of the day: Why do we take a round pizza, cut it up into triangular pieces and put it in a square box?

I paid the extra and got eclipse contacts.

I tried looking at the eclipse with one of those cereal box contraptions, but the cereal always got in the way.

OK, looking back, my invention: solar-powered Eclipse Glasses probably wasn't a brilliant idea.

Millions of people made special plans to view the eclipse yesterday so that years from now they'll be able to tell future generations, "And that's how we lost our sight."

I can't help but wonder how many millions of Americans missed the solar eclipse because they never looked up from their phones.

General Hospital's Robert Palmer Watkins says he's leaving the show, but it wasn't his decision. I'm shocked -- General Hospital is still on?

Nigeria's leader has returned after three months of sick leave. Two questions: 1) Was what he had contagious? And 2) Could we get him to meet with President Trump?

I took down an apartment building and two houses on my sister's very racist property, Oriental Avenue. She'll probably never play Monopoly with me again.

Cardboard hand-written sign seen on Twitter: "Don't mind our Tiki torches. The only thing we hate are mosquitos." The dating site OkCupid has banned white supremacists. So, now they'll have to meet new people the old-fashioned way: at the Tiki Torch section of Home Depot.

On Monday, the moon blocked 92% of the sun from us here in Seattle. Now, trying to figure out how to get the moon between us and President Trump.

My buddy Skip Tucker dug up this classic joke: How do you clear out a North Korean bingo parlor? Yell out "B-52".

He also gave me this one: One day, I want someone to look at me and say, "that's him; he's the one" and not follow it with "who ate all the donuts"

Apparently, yesterday was "National Tooth Fairy Day." There was a reminder note left under my pillow.

Take a look around work. That person missing could have won the Powerball last night, so be extra nice to them when you see them again. At least until you know for sure.

A $72 million, 12,000 seat high school football stadium has been finished in Katy, Texas. If they're looking for a new mascot to go with that stadium, how about "The Fighting Messed-Up Priorities!"

Beyonce is set to release a 600-page coffee table book for $300. For that much money, it should at least have legs on it.

Penn Jillette apologized for calling Newfoundland "stupid." Although, for a while, he had them convinced it was Teller who said it.

My buddy Skip Tucker says it's just a matter of time before they add the word "syndrome" to his name.

I'm getting that feeling of totality again. This has already been a total Thursday.

The name IKEA is actually an acronym, standing for Ingvar Kamprad Elmtaryd Agunnaryd. The name IKEA is formed from the founder's initials (I.K.) plus the first letters of Elmtaryd (E) and Agunnaryd (A), the farm and village where he grew up. See, and I always thought it was Swedish for, "Good luck with those instructions."

In her upcoming book, Hillary Clinton said her "skinned crawled" while she was debating Donald Trump. To be honest, all those debates had that effect on me.

He was a Virgo, although he probably should have been a Pisces because he drank like one.
 
A study says popularity in high school may not lead to happiness. That’s probably true. I was voted by my class as the person most likely to not.
 
Detroit spent $100-million on stadium renovations in the offseason. Both of their season ticket holders are said to be thrilled.
 
Police have busted a gang suspected of producing imitation chewing tobacco. President Trump says it’s nothing more than fake snoose.
 
In the next Transformers movie, the leader of the Autoboots goes bad and destroys the housing market. Optimus Prime also changes his name to Optimus Sub-Prime.
 
There's a new beer coming out that contains marijuana. Apparently, it’s for those who get too full drinking beer, but still want the munchies.
 
Watching what’s been happening in our country the last couple of years, I think NBC should launch a new TV show called, “This is us?”
 
The Girl Scouts are accusing the Boy Scouts of recruiting girls. If they are, that should be worth some Brownie points.
 
President Trump has offices in the West Wing, right? OK, then give it a west!
 
A dad has invented a new app that freezes a teen-agers cell phone if they don’t respond to your text in a timely fashion. On behalf of parents everywhere, I’d just like to say, “Moo-ha-ha-haaaaa.”  It’s called ReplyASAP.
 
In Wisconsin, a funeral home has applied for a liquor license. You wanted enough to say what you were really thinking about the deceased. There you go!

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU PROBABLY HAVE A VERY LOW CREDIT SCORE

1. You pay in cash and they still ask for I.D.
2. Nickname all your friends know you by: Deadbeat
3. You've made the National Credit Bureau "100 Least Wanted" list
4. The Miracle Credit Company just told you, there are no miracles
5. In church, when they pass the plate, they skip your row

TOP FIVE WEIRD THINGS THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED DURING THE ECLIPSE

1. President Trump not tweeting a thing. Now THAT would be weird.
2. All the Robert E. Lee statues taken down rise again
3. Your cat actually listens to what you're saying and acts interested
4. Your dog begins choosing a Fantasy Football team (c'mon, we have two weeks of pre-season left to go)
5. President Trump blaming both sides for the darkness

Laugh a little, would ya?