Our 1,124th Edition
September 1st, 2017
Or, as I like to call it, the month of SepTIMber
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A study says poor sleep can lead to dementia. Well, that explains the screaming dragon zombies.
Taylor Swift's new song is called, "Look what you made me do" but it is NOT about President Trump. What are the odds?
Apparently PopSockets are the new fidget spinners. I'm already two trends behind.
I'm pretty sure before President Trump leaves office, he will inspire the catch phrase, "Shut the Tweet up!"
I put together this mash-up of Taylor Swift's new song "Look what you made me do" and Meghan Trainor's "Me too" in case anyone would like to have fun with it. Click here to listen.
Funny line seen on Twitter: "Bernie would have beat Mayweather."
A study says people start hating their jobs at age 35. Another way I'm ahead of my time...
A California teen has developed a smartphone app for kids wanting to do extra chores. Both of those kids are said to be thrilled.
A new study claims that your cell phone is ten times germier than a toilet seat. My first question -- what the hell are you doing with your cell phone?
Uber has offered their CEO job to the current CEO of Expedia. According to the map, the car they've sent for him is almost at his house.
I remember back in the day when we were always complaining that the government never did anything. I miss those days.
North Korea has fired a missile over Japan. This Kim Jong-un is like that annoying neighbor kid with the bottle rockets.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle ended their three-week vacation to Africa with a visit to romantic Victoria Falls. Remind me again, regarding Prince Harry---vacation from what?
Some people are actually charging $99 for a gallon of fresh water in Texas. Then again, that's basically the cost of coffee at any Starbucks.
Now a new study claims that a low-fat diet could lead to an early death. You know what's going to kill me? All these studies.
Clowns are complaining that the new movie "It" is scaring away business. Then they honk their horn and squirt water out of a flower and it's all O.K..
A 79-year-old Canadian man has run his 100th Marathon. Today's friendly reminder that you truly are an under-achiever.
A study says Australians lose more money at gambling than any other developed country. I don't know if you knew this, but in Australia, roulette wheels spin in the opposite direction.
President Trump visited Texas on Tuesday in response to all those people who were yelling, "How could this possibly get any worse?"
Puretta is advertising a toothbrush holder that cleans the reported 60% of all toothbrushes that contain fecal matter. I have to say, if your toothbrush contains fecal matter, I'm guessing you're probably brushing your teeth the wrong way.
I'm just asking: Are trans-fats proteins that just identify as being fats?
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: I can't decide if I need a huge cup of coffee, a hug, eight shots of scotch, a few hundred chicken nuggets, or a month of sleep.
A couple in South Carolina was arrested for having sex on a golf course. You
Last night I had to pull a gnat out of my Scotch. Biggest smile I've ever seen on a dead insect.
- No less than six golfers asked if they could play through.
- Remember, if the round lasts longer than 4 hours, see a doctor (there should be one on the golf course)
- Most who saw it said it was a little caddy.
A study says drinking four cups of coffee a day is associated with a lower risk of death. Take that, Grim Reaper -- with cream!!!
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR FAMILY HAS NO FAITH IN YOUR BARBECUING ABILITIES
TOP FIVE TOUGHEST JOBS THESE DAYS
- As you cook, they're ordering a pizza
- Your nickname on the apron: The Incinerator
- Googling to find a god we could offer this burnt sacrifice to.
- OK, who called the fire department already?
- They bought back-up steaks, just in case
Laugh a little, would ya?
- Confederate Statue Artist
- President Trump Tweet Spinner
- Eclipse Glasses salesman
- The owner of Nothing But Tiki Torches
- The rep for Venezuelan Vacations