They say once you go WACK, you never go back

A new study says slow walkers are more likely to die young. Especially in the case of being chased by a pack of wolves.

California could become the first state to legalize magic mushrooms. Yes, that's what they were missing.

Atlanta Post Office workers have been charged with taking bribes to deliver cocaine. "Neither rain nor snow nor... oh, wow! Snow!"

Jerry Springer says he "hasn't decided" yet on whether to run for Ohio Governor. I understand he's locked in the dwarf transgender serial killer vote.

President Trump says it's time for tax reform. Well, you have to have something first in order to reform it. Now, about your tax returns... ...

Epic storms, one right after the other, tornadoes, major floods after record rains--didn't I already see this movie?

Nintendo says on their website that Mario is no longer a plumber, but that he was one a long time ago.

• Apparently, he made enough money, he no longer has to do that.
• That's not surprising. Whenever you needed the guy, he was always out playing games!

Seattle has so much smoke from the various forest fires, I feel like I'm in a Cheech 'n Chong movie.
The other day, when I was driving through Smokey Point, I felt redundant.

I woke up this morning surrounded by smoke and falling ash. Yep, fell asleep at the Legion hall again...

They say you'll be noticing more spiders over the next couple of weeks, as it's mating season. You know, I did walk by a web the other day that smelled like Old Spice.

I was just thinking: forest fires, floods, hurricanes, what else could go wrong? Oh wait--congress is back in session. Never mind....

If there was only a way to bring the flood waters up here to put out the fires and have the hurricane hit North Korea, it would be a perfect world.

There's a website for people who feel that Hillary Clinton should have won the presidency. Isn't that called, "Facebook?"

Excerpts from Hillary Clinton's upcoming book What Happened, shows that she blames her defeat at least partly on her rival, Senator Bernie Sanders. Bernie has blamed his defeat on her, but isn't writing a book about it.

Seen on Facebook: Another empty wine bottle with no genie at the bottom... I'll keep looking!

The publisher of a book by Hillary Clinton's longtime pastor is discontinuing sales of the book and destroying remaining copies, saying that it found examples of plagiarism. He had supposedly stolen some writing from another pastor. The moral high ground in this story is completely under water.

Irony--choking to death on the sticker that was attached to your organic apple.

Up here in the northwest, we're being warned not to wipe off the ash that's landed on our cars from the local fires. I'm afraid if I drive to the local car wash, it may blow off before I get there. Hey, wait a minute....

Hollywood execs are partially blaming the website Rotten Tomatoes for the terrible summer at the box office. They're saying that lousy reviews scared a lot of potential movie-goers away. Here's a solution: make better movies!

North Korea says it may have a "gift package" on the way for the U.S.. I'm guessing flowers. What do you think?

Adidas has made beer and vomit resistant shoes for the upcoming Oktoberfest. Their slogan: "Just Oom Pa Pa do it!" or, "Just puke it!" Your call.

A new report says that Russia has meddled in the affairs of at least 27 European and North American countries since 2004. The report goes on to say, "Oh no we haven't!"

TOP FIVE FAIRY TALES THAT DIDN'T CATCH ON

1. Little Miss Fozzie Muppet
2. Hansel and Girdle
3. Jack and Jill Biden
4. The Three Little Figs
5. Jack and the Beano Stalk

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR KID'S TEACHER IS HAVING A ROUGH YEAR

1. She's flying a white flag in her classroom
2. Only gift so far was that lovely bouquet of poison oak
3. Favorite catch phrase: "I weep for the future"
4. Once each class, she excuses herself to go out and scream at something
5. She teaches while wearing a helmet

Laugh a little, would ya?