They say once you go WACK, you never go back

Archeologists say that the Roman Empire really got into Pumpkin Spiced everything, shortly before the fall. Naw -- fake news, but I like that one.

If you're having trouble with insomnia, you should try sleeping more.

Important questions: if Twitter is going to expand to 280 characters, is there any way of keeping it a secret from the president?

Last Friday was National Coffee Day. Like every day isn't.

Cher is suing Los Angeles billionaire Patrick Soon-Shiong and others she claims duped her into selling her shares in a promising drug company at a fraction of the stock's value. In Cher's words: "If I could turn back time..."

A poll says Americans blame Facebook for fake news reports. Ha! We made that up!

Now there's a study that says standing too much at work may be worse than sitting. Someday, they're going to do a study that shows worrying too much about the results of studies is our biggest problem.

Monty Hall, former host of "Let's Make A Deal" has dies at age 96. I can hear St. Peter now -- "Would you like what's behind gate number one or gate number two?"

From Conan: San Diego has started building a border wall. Not to keep out immigrants, but to keep the LA Chargers from coming back.

A new NASA-sponsored study shows that global methane emissions produced by livestock are 11 percent higher than estimates made last decade. The next time you see a cow, don't pull its hoof. You're only encouraging them.

I'm reminded of the words of the late weather guy Ray Ramsey: "Don't sweat the petty things. Pet the sweaty things."

Amazon flew a plane loaded with relief supplies into Puerto Rico yesterday. Now, to find the Prime members...

Holiday spending is expected to increase 6% this year. Wow, so what are you getting me?

Facebook says that 10-million people saw ads purchased by Russian "troll farms." How do you get to a Russian troll farm? Just take the troll bridge.

Attendance for Major League Baseball fell below the 73-million mark for the first time since 2000. That explains the popularity of that new song, "Take me out to the... oh, wait! Let's stay home and watch Netflix."

Happy Octoberfest! As I like to say, "What's the wurst that can happen?"

News outlets are posting the five inappropriate things President Trump said at the Puerto Rico disaster briefings. I know, I'm shocked, too. There were only five?

Dunkin Donuts says they're going to drop up to a dozen different types of donuts in the near future, to streamline their selection. I'm not positive, but I do believe this qualifies as a terrorist act.

ALTERNATE LINE-As foretold in Revelations.

68-year-old George Foreman says he wants to fight 65-year-old Steven Seagal. I’m assuming the words, “for the last dinner roll” were left out of that sentence.
 
I’m still seeing those pictures of President Trump throwing rolls of paper towels to people in Puerto Rico. When did he become the Quicker-Picker-Upper-In-Chief?
 
Wednesday was National Kale Day. We’re telling you now because we figured you wouldn’t mind missing it.

I finally got myself to simply let go. I probably shouldn’t have been carrying that vase at the time.

They now saw that 43% of the things you read on Facebook are fake news. Kidding. Just made that up.

TOP FIVE MOST WORTHLESS THINGS ABOUT TUESDAY

1. It's not Friday
2. It's only halfway to Wine Down Wednesday
3. After three day weekends, it becomes a Monday
4. People complain that I didn't get anything done on Monday
5. No pro football

TOP FIVE FORMER NICKNAMES YOU'D RATHER NOT BE CALLED AGAIN

1. Grand Imperial Wizard
2. Fluffer
3. High Miles
4. Contagious
5. Boogers

Laugh a little, would ya?