PS--Don't forget about our friend, Our 1,131st Edition
October 20th, 2017
If I knew then what I know now, every then would become a now every now and then
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North Korea says Donald Trump has "lit the wick of war" with his insults and threats. Hopefully, he'll take wick ends off.
Kim Jong Un wants to make the site of his missile launches a tourist destination for families. "Hey, kids, get in the car -- we're going to Wack Job Land!"
Miley Cyrus says she was high when she made the video for "Wrecking Ball." And in other breaking news, water is wet.
Wild animals from the Chernobyl region are migrating to Northern Europe and bringing their radiation with them. Wild boar have recently been killed in Sweden with ten times the safe radiation level. We may have a new theory about Rudolph and that nose of his.
These days, when Peter Frampton sings "Do you feel like we do?" to a bunch of boomers, it has such a completely different meaning than it did in the 70s.
Hillary Clinton is talking with Columbia University about becoming a professor there. I can see her next book: "Why you failed my class."
Wildfires have destroyed the home of Peanuts creator Charles Schulz. Apparently, every time firefighters kept trying to turn a hose on it, Lucy kept turning it off.
Monday was National Bosses Day. I continue to say I'll start observing that the year they match it with National Employee's Day.
Hillary Clinton was in a hurry, fell and broke a toe. She's putting the blame on the rushin'.
GM is going to be the first car company to test out driverless cars in New York City. Hey, if they can make it there, they'll make it anywhere.
An Ohio man with "I'm a pornstar" tattooed on his forehead is behind bars after police say he groped a woman. Who could have seen that coming?
Porn star Mia Khalifa was kicked out of Saturday's baseball playoff game at Dodger stadium when a guy tried to take a selfie with her without her permission. She punched him and was ushered out of the game. OK, you could say there wasn't a happy ending.
IKEA is teaming up with Amazon to sell its furniture online. So what's that? -- two days for delivery and four days to figure out how to put it together. You could have new furniture in less than a week!
A new study finds that parents DO actually have a favorite child... which makes me feel bad for my two sisters.
Jeff Fong reminds me that the Seattle Rain Festival has begun. It runs through July 4th.
A new study claims that too much exercise can actually kill you. I'm so glad that I've been playing it really, REALLY safe.
A group in Colorado says childhood obesity is threatening the military. For example, see that platoon over there? That's actually just one guy.
A Miami politician running for Congress says she was once abducted by aliens. Aliens have come forward and said they would never have anything to do with anyone in congress. Remember, they're highly intelligent.
Alex Rodriguez says PEDs cost him $40 Million and a chance at the Hall of Fame. He then crushed a refrigerator out of anger.
74% of young people would rather communicate digitally. Or, so my daughter texted me.
It’s obvious by now that the one thing that could most help President Trump is laryngitis.
Billy Joel is going to be a dad again at age 68. Good to know the pianist is still working.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE A LOUSY VAMPIRE
TOP FIVE WORST HALLOWEEN MOVIES EVER MADE
- That time you spaced out and bought a sunlamp
- Only vampire I know who needs to sleep in a Tempur-pedic coffin
- You're a little too much into necks and attacked a giraffe
- You think bats are icky
- The site of blood makes you sick
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR FINANCIAL ADVISOR HAS BAD NEWS ABOUT YOUR RETIREMENT FUND
- "Cold Sores from Mars"
- "It came from the bathroom"
- "Vegan Zombie Nuns"
- "Hell's Puppies"
- "Night of the Kitten"
- He'd like to Skype with you from an unidentified off-shore location
- You ask about them and he says, "What funds?"
- He informs you that you'll enjoy a wonderful retirement if you work until you're 126.
- He says he'll tell you some news, but only in a public place near a police station
- When you identify yourself, he always says, "Oh-oh, it's you"
Laugh a little, would ya?