They say once you go WACK, you never go back

A Pennsylvania woman turning 112 says the secret of her longevity is not drinking any coffee. Blasphemy!

Puerto Rico is going through a cash crisis, with 35% of banks still closed. On the positive side, there's nothing to buy anyway.

Oprah continues to say she will not be running for any public office. Isn't that how Hillary got started?

An author is predicting that Apple, Google and Facebook will all be gone in another 50 years. To which Apple, Google and Facebook replied, "Back at ya!"

I don't know why, but I just have this feeling that, one day, people are going to tear down my statue.

The Taco Bell's in Wisconsin are selling a "Kit Kat Chocoladilla"--basically, melted chocolate and Kit Kat pieces folded in a flour tortilla, which is then grilled. It sells for $1. It's the new food that asks the question, "Exactly how high are you?"

A study says fasting could lead to a longer life. I do daily fasts, sometimes for as long as 3 hours.

The Senate is talking of capping 401(k) contributions to $2,400 a year. Apparently, they won't mind us moving in with them.

United Airlines will increase its economy seating to ten seats in each row. You know, you get more passengers in the jets when you stack 'em.

My friend Jason asks, "If there's a dispute between two vegetarians, is it still called a beef?"

You know, if you procrastinate long enough, you can end up being early.

Bill O'Reilly says he's "mad at God" for not giving him more protection. A short time later, a voice from above said, "Hey, don't drag me into this."

Actually, we should have known Donald Trump would be this kind of president. We knew what we signed up for.

A report says the environmental disaster movie "Geostorm" could lose $100-million. If a disaster movie is a disaster, isn't that redundant?

A report says more professionals are getting stoned on pot while at work. When asked for a comment, their boss said, "Oh, wow, man. Bummer."

Steph Curry has been fined $50,000 for throwing a mouthpiece during a game. It wasn't the NBA, it was his dentist. He was really proud of that one and those are tricky to make!

Ventriloquist Mark Merchant points out that the World Series is between Los Angeles and Houston: One city that was ravaged by Harvey and the other one that was ravaged by a hurricane.

Target says they’ve had complaints about them starting up the Christmas season early. So they’re promising to wait until at least this afternoon.
 
Arizona’s Senator Flake says he’ll not run for re-election and doesn’t want to be part of Donald Trump’s Republican Party. President Trump thanked Senator Flake for not having to make up a nickname for him.
 
The president Tweeted that it was the kind of announcement he would expected from a Senator Flake, as well as a Senator Untrustworthy and Congressmen Wishy-Washy.
 
I can hear the conversation at the White House. “Senator Flake wants out.” “Isn’t that a corker!” “No, sir, different Senator.”
 
A couple in Orlando ordered plastic storage bins on Amazon and got a delivery filled with 65 pounds of weed. They say they’ll re-count all 50-pounds very carefully and return the 35-pounds of weed as soon as possible.
 
Last Friday, Dr. Phil hit a skateboarder with his car. He’s OK, but there was that awkward moment when Phil yelled out, “Hey, is anyone nearby a doctor?”

When you think about it, it’s a shame that bone spurs don’t prevent you from tweeting. And surprising they have no effect on golfing.

Kellogg’s is replacing several characters on their boxes of Corn Pops because people were claiming they’re “racially insensitive.”  Hey Rice Crispies, Snap and Pop are fine, but Krackle sounds too much like Kracker and that offends me!
 
A California elementary school is under fire for putting up a Donald Trump scarecrow. Most of the complaints were from animal lovers. I mean, it’s one thing to just scare crows, but why terrorize them?
 
Just a reminder: an “instant baseball classic” is only a classic if your team wins.
 
A study says daydreamers are smarter than other people. If you were ignoring what I just said, thanks a lot, genius!
 
Kent State University is considering whether saying “You need Jesus” is hate speech. Well, if nothing else, they’re cross words.
 
Support for legalizing pot is up to 51% of Republicans and expected to go higher, as are they.

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER IS A ROBOT

1. Siri and Alexa keeps asking him questions
2. Keeps promoting take your Vacuum to Work Day
3. Doesn't need a laser-point. Built in to his finger
4. Considers battle-bots 'sick and twisted'
5. While you're on a coffee break, he goes on an oil break

TOP FIVE WAYS TODAY'S TRICK OR TREATERS HAVE IT WAY TOO EASY

1. They're just ordering their candy on Amazon
2. They've got an app that tells about the full-size candy bar houses
3. They're taking Alexa along to say "Trick or Treat" for them
4. They don't have to dress up. Just show a sign that says they're non-costume specific
5. Seriously, saying you're going as a drone is just wrong

Laugh a little, would ya?