They say once you go WACK, you never go back

Elena Berkova, a Russian porn star, says she's going to run against Putin in the next election there. Of course, with the assumption she's still alive by then.

Surgeons in India removed 639 nails from a patient's intestines... despite his mother's endless warnings about chewing his nails.

A study says assaults go up when Daylight Saving Time ends. Most of the attacks come when you tell someone to stop complaining about falling back.

I thought of this: Our Annual Twice-a-Year Sale! Can you imagine? If nothing else, the sign would get noticed.

A poll says 58% of Americans are afraid to discuss their political views. I'd be glad to share my views with you if you provide the safe word.

What a sexist world in which we live. There's herpes. Why isn't there a himpes?

Seen on Twitter: Congratulations to the LA Dodgers for successfully avoiding having to meet the president!

In an interview, "Jeopardy" host Alex Trebek revealed that he once tripped hard on hash brownies. I'm sorry. I meant, "What did Alex Trebek once do with a batch of brownies?"

President Trump says the Texas shootings are a mental health issue, not a gun issue. The rest of the world should be grateful that mentally ill people only live in the United States.

Now in stores -- Mystery Flavored Oreo Cookies. They say limited edition. My guess is Pumpkin Spice. Then again, that wouldn't be much of a mystery.

P-Diddy... aka Puff Daddy... aka Sean Combs... has changed his name again, this time to Brother Love. Funny how the only time we ever bring up his name is when he changes it.

Man, I’m running behind. When is it that I need to have my ballot in the mail?
 
A man in Russian claims that he actually originated from Mars. So far, no women from Venus have stepped forward…
 
Now, Diddy says he is NOT changing his name to Brother Love. I suppose this means the Traveling Salvation Show is being canceled.
 
A new study says that people who lie a lot have one thing in common. OK, you got me. They have two things in common. Alright, yeah, I’m making this all up.

A new study claims that sleep deprivation actually causes your brain cells to not fire properly. Broccoli!

Comcast users experienced Internet shutdowns on Monday, due to a "network configuration" error. If it makes you feel any better, they had to put themselves on hold and listen to warbly music for 45 minutes before it was fixed.

I'm done complimenting co-workers. The other day, I said, "Nice beard" to a co-worker and she got really mad.

Starbucks has opened its first bakery in Seattle. Can the $10 Grande No-Gluten Double frosting cinnamon roll be far behind? (I speak Starbuckian)

The smog in New Delhi, India, is so bad, they've even closed the schools. Several kids reported the pollution was so bad, while flying kites they got stuck in the sky.

Its so smoggy, the flashers are just describing themselves.

Wrestler Ric Flair is claiming that he has slept with over 10,000. We don't know how many of those he pinned.

California has now banned the use of pesticides near schools. Seems kind of odd that you'd need a law to prevent that.

A Cambridge University study claims that sheep are able to recognize human faces. Which sheep, we're not sure, since they all look alike.

President Trump's visit to China is going fairly well. Except he keeps calling their President Xi, "Ten Eye!"

I'm just now realizing that I've been doing it wrong all these years. I've been crossing my eyes and dotting my t's. No wonder it's always blurry.

TOP FIVE PUMPKIN SPICE PRODUCTS THAT HAVE GONE TOO FAR

1. Pumpkin Spice Colonoscopies
2. Pumpkin Spice Deodorant
3. Pumpkin Spice Tattoos
4. Pumpkin Spice Quaker State Oil
5. Pumpkin Spice Mace

TOP FIVE THINGS YOUR PET TURKEY DOES EVERY NOVEMBER

1. Announces that he actually identifies as a cow
2. Buys you a Omaha gift card and tells you it expires on Thanksgiving
3. Posts articles on Facebook about the dangers of tryptophan
4. Constantly coughs and sniffles
5. Hides all your axes

TOP FIVE MOST POPULAR SAYINGS AMONG THE PILGRIMS

1. "I hateth the time change."
2. "What doest thou mean, gluten-free?"
3. "That is SO 1693"
4. "Any plans for thine pet turkey?"
5. "Don't getteth thy layers of undergarments in a bundle"

Laugh a little, would ya?