The two turkeys pardoned last week by President Trump were named "Drumstick" and "Wishbone?" Isn't that like naming a boat, "Sinker?"
Yes, we celebrated Thanksgiving even though all the Christmas decorations were already up. Apparently, we're trans-holiday.
Someone asked me, "How do you prepare your turkey?" Well, first I open with a joke and then say, "I'm afraid I have some bad news..."
You know who had it easy on Thanksgiving? Orange juice. It's only job was to dilute the champagne.
A 10-year study indicates that male dolphins attempt charming females by giving them gifts. Apparently, they do it on porpoise. Nyuk. Nyuk.
If it weren't for memories, what else would we remember?
I'm waiting for the headline: "Mommy claims Santa assaulted her underneath the mistletoe last night."
A report says a growing number of young people are leaving desk jobs to farm. I settle for just getting plowed on the weekends.
The character Morgan in "The Walking Dead" is actually going to move over to "Fear the Walking Dead" in 2018. I can't keep 'em straight. They're all dead to me.
Really, the question is, "How long will POTUS haunt us?"
Police in Washington State say a man wrecked his car while driving drunk, naked and was having sex while driving. On the positive side---he wasn't texting.
The average life of the average person is, frankly, very average.
A guy goes to the doctor, who says he has OCD and Dyslexia. So, now he's running around telling everyone that he was diagnosed with COD.
I'm assuming that even though I missed the Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales, the stores will still sell me stuff, right?
A new study claims that as your intelligence goes up, your happiness goes down. So why does that make me happy? I guess I don't understand. Perfect!
Marvel Studios president Ken Feige says the next 20 Marvel films will be "completely different" than any before. I wonder if he's including "less crowded theaters?"
Prince Harry and his fiance Meghan Markle are getting married at Windsor Castle next May. We're almost certain that they're not registered at Target.
From my radio brother, Skip Tucker: When one door closes, another one opens. When one door closes, another one opens. When one door closes, another one opens. Me, eating through an Advent Calendar.
North Korea is trying to spin their latest missile test. They're saying that they were actually going for Matt Lauer.
It's time for a new feature on the show, called "What you need to know to start your day." Today's headline -- go back to bed! Quickly!
I'm curious about this phrase, 'inappropriate sexual behavior at work.' There's appropriate sexual behavior at work?
From Facebook: I hate when people ask me where I’ll be in three years. It’s not like I have 2020 vision.
Some psychologists are claiming that “love at first sight” is not possible. Then again, they’ve never met me.
Garrison Keillor was fired this week by Minnesota Public Radio. Apparently, when they heard the allegations, their first reaction was, “Whoa! Be gone!”
One thing’s for sure—we no longer care where in the world Matt Lauer is.
A new study says that airlines nickel’d and dimed passengers for a record $82-billion in fees in 2017. What I hate about the snacks is that they charge you by the peanut.
Jim Beam is now offering a “smart decanter” which pours whiskey named Jim. Wonder if he’ll try to get Alexa drunk?
A new study claims that dogs ARE smarter than cats. That they have twice as many brain cells linked to intelligence. No, it’s true. My dog showed me the study on his phone.
TOP FIVE LEAST POPULAR CHILDREN'S CHRISTMAS STORIES
- "Charlie and the Christmas Pimple"
- "How the Grinch Went For Hanukah This Time"
- "Twas the Night Before Cyber Monday"
- "Rudolph the Nose-Bleed Reindeer"
- "Frosty the Windshield"
TOP FIVE THINGS THAT DO NOT MAKE THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS GIFT
- That Cork Collection you've been working on the past year
- A Preparation H Gift Set
- The neighbor's dog
- Those shoes you were thinking of throwing out
- 50% Off Thanksgiving Decorations
Laugh a little, would ya?
