I'm told President Trump ordered a laundry shoot installed in the White House so he can easily put his shirts in the wash. Yeah, it's a real shirt hole.
Yeah, the president may be in hot water for those sh@thole comments, but the people who make the poop emoji's are sending him a thank-you bouquet.
President Trump is getting a lot of flack for referring to Haiti as a sh*thole. Apparently, it's actually quite a vacation paradise. You should go.
A Democratic congressman is introducing a bill that would force presidential candidates to take a mental health exam. Of course, the biggest question is, "Where the hell were you two years ago?"
President Trump underwent his first physical since becoming president on Friday. The doctor checked everywhere. Yes, even his Haiti.
The biggest surprise from President Trump's physical: the doctor confirmed he is from the human species.
We're beginning a week that could contain a government shut-down. Remember when that used to concern us? Now, the first thing we ask is, "Does that include government cell phones?"
Matt Case says his wife told him she has "anal glaucoma." Yep, she couldn't see her ass going into work today.
I'm quite disturbed by the president's remarks. What if he were to take advantage of his political powers and actually allow in more Norwegians?
A 20-year-old Tampa man won the $451-million Mega Millions lottery jackpot and has announced that he is now retired. He had a spectacular career, whatever it was.
First lady Melania Trump has added three new people to her personal White House staff. Their official job titles are See No Evil, Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil.
Norway has announced a total ban on farming animals for their fur. In a related story, whales have announced they're going to start growing fur.
Seattle's soda tax is just insane. $10 on a $15 case of Coke? This means I just might to get to realize one of my personal life goals: becoming a root beer smuggler!
I went to use the restroom last night and the sign outside said, "All gender bathroom." I only had one gender, but I used it anyway... .
Based on that one, I always like to say, "Well, the sign said Gentlemen, but I used it anyway... ."
Down in Brazil, it looks like they're getting ready to elect a Brazilian TV star as their next president. Should we warn them or just let them learn themselves?
Lindsay Lohan is trying to rebrand herself. She's already gone through the brands, "Washed Up", "Burned Out" and "Waste-o." I wonder what's next?
Who knew the Dow Jones and my VISA card would both set a record and pass 26,000 on the same day?
They're saying that President Trump aced his cognitive test. Which means he's been doing all this on purpose!
A study says having sex weekly as a person ages improves brain function. See if that helps your cause.
There's talk of breaking California into two states: California and New California. I think while they're going for it, they should make it "New and Improved California."
President Trump scored a perfect 30 for 30 on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment. So, the fact that he remains our president-now we can blame Canada!
More actors are stepping forward and expressing regret about working with Woody Allen, although Adam Sandler still has a commanding lead.
Dennis Rodman was arrested for DUI on Saturday night. I'm just going to assume that he was on his way to North Korea.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m against a government shut-down unless it includes presidential cell phones.
A public broadcaster in Japan issued a false alarm of a North Korean missile launch on Tuesday. North Korea’s Kim Jong-un said, “Sorry. I’ll owe you one.”
A new report says that California has the nation’s highest poverty rate at around 1 in 5. So, whenever you see a basketball team, one of those guys is really underpaid.
Here’s one I’ve been waiting to see: A study says saunas may be as good for the heart as moderate exercise. So, I’m going to count morning-after hangover sweats as a work out!
So, attendance at movie theaters has hit a 24-year low and the number of people filing for unemployment is the lowest it’s been since 1973. Apparently, all those out-of-work people were going to a lot of movies.
TOP FIVE SIGNS THIS IS GOING TO BE A REAL LONG WEEK
- You've been identified as Trump's official Tweet writer
- Company email announces a quarantine: Haz-mat team on the way
- You came home and not only was your family gone, but also the house
- You're the lead story on TMZ
- Your boss just invited to you a "boxing lunch"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE ORDERING WAY TOO MUCH FROM AMAZON
- You were just adopted by Jeff Bezos
- You click on the Amazon app and it snaps, "Now what?"
- You get a daily call from your credit card company, as they're sure the card was stolen
- Alexa has given you the nickname of Spendy
- Your total purchases have just passed the country of Ireland
Laugh a little, would ya?
